I WILL NOT BE SILENCED, YOU NEED ELITE PLAY FROM THE QUARTERBACK POSITION TO WIN IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

By Geoff Trant, Super Bowl Champion Backup Quarterback

You might have noticed a lot of layoffs from The Mothership as on-air personalities have gotten fired in droves. They blame falling subscriptions and revenue losses, but let’s face the facts on what is going on: the powers that be do not want you to know that it takes elite play from the quarterback position to win games in the National Football League, and no amount of layoffs and NDAs will stop me from saying so. I will not be silenced.

Let me be clear: this goes straight to the top. For years, highlight packages, announcers, and anchors covered up the basic truths about elite quarterback play in the National Football League. Yes, other football players can make football plays and win the battles in the trenches, but you need to know that whenever one of these square-jawed tie knots told you that a guy at the quarterback position in the national football league just knew how to win games, they were preventing you from knowing the truth. And that is this: you need elite play, at the quarterback position, if you want to win games (in the National Football League).

I know that they’re going to come after me. They’ve already laid me off from the pregame show — those bastards came right in and took away my football right as I was playfully tossing it in shirtsleeves in order to demonstrate how passing windows can close that fast in the National Football League. Bob Warkleigh will not return my calls, even though I’ve already shot the part of the Warkleigh Dodge and Pontiac commercial where I say “that’s right, Bob” while leaning on a Ram truck but not the part yet where I say that Warkleigh Dodge and Pontiac stiff-arms the competition with championship service in unison with dozens of children. Do they think I don’t see that unmarked van that’s always a few blocks away in case I meet up with other analysts and start talking earnestly and for the first time about yardage?

I live in a deserted warehouse surrounded by VHS taps and corkboards filled with cutouts of quarterbacks in the National Football League, and every day it becomes increasingly clear that it takes elite play from the quarterback position to win games in the National Football League. Soon, I believe I will have found enough parts from scavenged headsets and those phones that the quarterback uses to call up to the offensive coordinator after he throws an interception and cradles while nodding and being showered with abuse from the crowd to build my own pirate radio station and finally reveal to the American people the importance of quarterback play in the National Football League and the terrifying truth surrounding the process of a catch.

It won’t be long before television viewers are broken from the shackles of misinformation controlled by sports television. I will never stop broadcasting my secret radio station, distributing literature at Buffalo Wild Wings, disguising myself as Stephen A. Smith and breaking into the studio only to rip off my mask in the middle of a screaming jeremiad against James Dolan to reveal to everyone the message that the media do not want you to know and that is this: you need elite quarterback play to win games in the National Football League, and they’ll have to kill me to make me shut up.