IS JAY CUTLER A WINNER?

By Stan from Glen Ellyn

Long-time, first-time here. I think you raised some great points about Cutler, but let’s just get to brass tacks here: Jay Cutler is not a winner. He is not tough. He turns the ball over. He doesn’t care where the ball is going. That is not Bear football.

Rule one of Bear football is you knock ’em on the ass. OK? Rule two is you don’t turn the, ok I know we’re on the radio here, the DARN football over. And the third rule for Bear football is is you hibernate in cocoon of meat casings until you rise up, your face now just a hideous mess of meat slabs and your gigantic, grotesque exoskeleton formed by a hide of chitinous mustaches. That’s what Ditka did. That’s what Payton did. And that’s what Butkus did and he also had stingers on his elbows that could go under facemasks.

I knew this Cutler guy was a bum the first time he went out there against the Packers and looked like some cocky yacht-club frat boy instead of an enormous insectoid debilitating their sideline with a poisonous spray of mustards and pickle relish. And I gotta tell you, Johnnie, you knew it too. But what could we do? We were stuck with Grossman and Orton, both of whom could turn into unsightly moth men AT BEST. How many times did we see that Grossman throw it away because he had half a thorax made of Polish sausage? AND THEY DRAFTED HIM, JOHNNIE.

I know people say Cutler is the best option the Bears have at quarterback, but you can’t win a Super Bowl with this guy. He’ll pout and he’ll quit and he won’t retreat into the murkiest depths of Lake Michigan after feeding on tourists waiting in line for Uno’s or even Due’s. If he gets in trouble in the pocket, he’ll panic because he doesn’t have a set of snapping mandibles that can keep a linebacker at bay or at least draw them offsides. This is Football 101, Johnnie.

So all you other callers out there defending Cutler, yeah, especially you, Bob from Tinley Park, go ahead and buy your number six jerseys. Go ahead and cut holes in them for the venomous burrs and the hardened, armored bone shell he’ll never grow. Meanwhile, I don’t know, this Clausen kid from Notre Dame? He’s got the look of a guy who knows he might need to grow some eye stalks.