By Laser

Every once in awhile, one of my buddies from the monkey bars will stop me and ask me I’ve seen this latest baseball controversy and once again they’ll ask me how to stop it. Look, no one cares more about ankle joint and ligament health than me, the face of the American Ankle Ligament Safety Council from 1992–1998, so when I see some baseball guy flying in there whipping his legs around like a karate commando, I want to zipline into there and give him some pamphlets because you know I learned that so many people are misinformed about basic preventive ankle protection, it’s kind of my passion. They’re all yelling about changing the rules and whether they’ve gone too far when the solution is far simpler: simply allow baserunners and fielders to move in the speed, comfort, and safety of an Atlasphere.

Studies have shown time and again that an Atlasphere reduces the likelihood of injury significantly, as I’ve demonstrated in this pamphlet where I’m crushing an actuarial pie chart of ankle injuries into a tiny wad and then firing it from an air-powered cannon. Imagine if, instead of baserunners flying feet-first into a bone-crushing collision with a shortstop, the two bounce harmlessly around the infield or roll gently into foul territory, or into the path of an umpire who is secure in his own Atlasphere?

Atlaspheres could instantly eradicate dangerous outfield collisions, manager-umpire confrontations, and bench-clearing donnybrooks. I want you to think for a minute about a world where those two jabronis jumped onto the field, but instead of pummeling the first base coach, he scoots harmlessly away in his Atlasphere before security comes in to whale on the intruders with padded jousting sticks. That’s my vision. A safer sport, where the Atlasphere and its tough but flexible carbon fiber construction protects the players and thrills the fans who all love Atlaspheres as you can see from this VHS filled with testimonials.

It’s time to be smart. It’s time to be sensible. It’s time to Sphere Up Baseball, with the original Atlasphere.


By Turbo

I am shocked to see this in print from Laser, nakedly shilling for his Atlasphere in baseball. Anyone can see how dumb that is. Baseball players don’t need protection in Atlaspheres. No, baseball players — elite professional athletes who have spent years honing their skills — should demand only the protection of America’s most trusted cage-wheel rolling apparatus, the Globodome.

The Atlasphere, with its shoddy construction and imperfect geometric symmetry, would be a disaster for baseball. Instead of the sort of harmless bouncing that Laser promises, an Atlasphere is almost certain to burst into hundreds of shards and stakes, turning a ballplayer in peak condition into a carbon fiber pincushion. No, they could call it the Anklesphere for all the tendons and bones it would obliterate, in much the same way that Laser destroyed the American Ankle Ligament Safety Council by turning its safety information into commercials for his Sphere Police VHS movies that you had to send away for.

The Globodome serves all of the safety needs that baseball deserves from its essential adoption of cage-wheel rolling apparatus. The hand-designed, one hundred percent American-made Globodome provides the smooth, safe rolling experience that ballplayers from Major Leaguers to T-Ballers need from a company that hasn’t had its board of directors stacked with a bunch of Laser’s cronies and yes-men like Gemini, Nitro, Lace, and Diamond who will turn on a company’s co-founder and see him escorted from the building and up several reverse-direction treadmills under a hail of nerf weaponry.

There is no doubt that baseball faces a profound crisis that can only be resolved by cage wheels, but do not allow Laser to once again swindle people into buying his Atlasphere, his reversible singlets, his protein powders, or his groin muscle liniments. You, like me, will definitely regret it.