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Ellie Rose
Aug 31, 2018 · 2 min read

we, are a fascinating faction,
a fragment of a person,
a fraction of a whole.

unafraid
to make the unexpected arrangement
that somehow fills the gaping hole
after life caught up with us
gave us the bill
for the bits of fulfillment that we stole

because the love, to whom
we first vowed eternity
dissolved to dust
and lust tore those realities away

actions, the final nails in the coffins
of relationships that succumbed
to a million paper cuts

before we even found each other

does it bother you when i linger close to your chest
inhaling your scent as you lie across my bed?
am i actually the one you’re holding in your arms
as you fall asleep in mine?

i wonder why my default setting is affection
when i know, no other woman will escape the shadow
of your first wife
and i will never have your heart
because it belongs to your child

i’ve noticed, i’m the hand you reach out to
when you go dark
the eyes you avert from
when you stifle the tears you cry
i know how much it must hurt inside

lost in thought, you’ve learned my tell
when i go dark from thinking of him
i don’t understand how you’re able to
articulate what’s in my mind
before i’ve even started to cry —
your mere presence deflecting pain
without any effort to try.

then there’s this dynamic,
a mandate from you
that since we’re both in the same situation
we’re not allowed to catch feelings

there’s no future for us — i say it to your face
you say “ouch” like i’ve made an offense
and i continue my observation that i’m nothing to you
you assure me i’m something,
but i can’t bring myself to pry.

in my defense, you’ve said multiple times
“i’ll never be in a serious relationship again”
yet at your new job, i’m your emergency contact
so in fact, i think it’s better left unsaid
that we might just see a future

i know the moment i say those words
confess what’s in my head
my heart’s out in the open, ready for your attack
and i’m fully bracing for the possibility,
you turn your back
and i lose you altogether

so, maybe right now i deflect —
omit what my heart knows is true
shit, do i fucking i love you?

before i get attached, i pause
you’re not my heart,
but you understand my flaws

remind me how we’re both inherently selfish
and how that does not diminish our connection
as a placeholder for each other.