Do people deserve sex?

When a friend on Facebook shared The Price Of Intimacy, a fascinating and vulnerable story of a disabled man hiring a sex worker, it reminded me of a thought that had gone through my head during the #YesAllWomen aftermath of the Santa Barbara shooting. Do people deserve sex?

The point came up because of often ugly “discussions” about the murderer’s feelings that he wasn’t getting the sex he deserved, and so decided to punish women for it. It’s not surprising that the idea that no man deserves sex came up repeatedly.

But I think it’s actually a trickier concept. The problem is, human beings crave most than just food and water. We need exercise, and entertainment. And most of us experience some level of desire for sex, which can be very strong in some individuals, especially men.

We talk about basic human rights, and the idea that people deserve access to things like food, running water, shelter, even education. But on the Maslowian hierarchy, sex is another of the fundamental needs, right there on the bottom of the pyramid.

The reason it gets confusing is that it’s really two things, a general and a specific, and people get really confused between the two.

Sex is one of the basic human needs that most people experience, and we should recognize people as deserving physical intimacy. Even the infirm, the ugly, and the shy; even people who are sometimes assholes.

But that’s in the general case.

In the specific, no human being ever owes anyone else sex. That’s where it’s confusing. There’s never a point where you can say, “gosh, I’m horny, so SOMEONE out there needs to give me sex.”

We can validate a person’s real and present need for physical intimacy without ever suggesting that they have a right to the use of anyone else’s body to meet their needs.

That’s why prisons have long had the practice of conjugal visits. Society admits that human beings, even criminals, have the right to sex. But those needs must be met by willing partners. Obviously.

As humans, we deserve sex, but we have to earn the consent to intimacy with any specific person.

What does that mean?

• It means that in some cases, sex work is very much a therapeutic profession, equivalent to feeding or dressing someone who can’t do those things without help.
• It means that you can be sensitive to the pain and frustration of an awkward young man who craves physical intimacy he doesn’t know how to get, while emphatically denying his perceived right to coerce, assault or harass someone because of it.
• It means that when we transcend thinking of sex as dirty, or as an optional thing, we start realizing that the world is a better place the more people get to enjoy the sex they crave.