Two real Americans (Source: YouTube)

Hulkamania runs wild on Gawker, entire Internets rejoice

Hulk Hogan: 2; Gawker: 0

A few years ago, Gawker posted an edited video of Hulk Hogan banging Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, along with a description of what happens in the video and some thoughts on celebrity sex tapes and what have you.

The exposition and the pontificating were just there to make it look like useful information, for SEO purposes. Obviously the main draw was the video of Hulk Hogan getting his fuck on — with Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, no less.

I think I read somewhere, in the 15 minutes I spent researching this post, that Bubba and his wife had an open relationship. But I’m assuming that wouldn’t extend to banging Hulk Hogan, both because he’s Hulk Hogan and because Hogan and the Love Sponge were supposedly once best friends.

Hogan is rumored to have a 10-inch schlong, and that actually became a point of contention during the trial. Hogan tried to explain to the jury that he’s actually two people, Hulk Hogan and Terry Bollea (his government), and only the former has a 10-inch schlong.

Terry Bollea’s schlong is respectable, but within the normal range. Towards the high end of said range, to be sure, but nothing you’d brag about on the Stern Show. And Terry Bollea wouldn’t be on the Stern Show anyway, because he’s not a professional wrestler; he’s just a gigantic redneck with a weird mustache (his clit-tickler) and a formal doo-rag, for when he has to go to court.

Because the trial took place down in Florida, that clarification may have actually helped his cause. That may have been the thing that got him the $115 million. If he’d worked the size of his balls into it, maybe the jury would have returned a verdict of six gozillion dollars, or some amount that’s not an actual denomination.

I’m not sure if it would have been possible in this case, but did Gawker’s lawyers consider trying to have the trial moved to Manhattan? How was a group of fags supposed to get a fair trial in St. Petersburg, FL? They’re lucky they weren’t chased into a swamp and eaten by alligators.

This past Friday, the jury ruled in favor of Hogan/Bollea, awarding him (them?) $115 million — $55 million in damages, plus another $60 million for the emotional distress the Hulkster suffered from having his business out there in the street like that.

Suppodedly, they might award him some more money this week, possibly for having to admit under oath that he doesn’t have a 10-inch schlong, which could be destructive for his brand image.

It was always kinda assumed that Hulk Hogan had a ginormous hog, and he used it to make sweet, passionate love to classy women with ginormous cans after he got done kicking people’s asses in the ring. In fact, that was Gawker’s main argument for why they should have been able to post the video: everyone already knows how the Hulk gets down.

My old man sorta kinda knows the Hulk, from when the Hulk and a few other WWF guys would use the sauna at the gym he used to go to, when they were in town for events. I just saw him a few hours ago, as I’m writing this, but I didn’t think to ask him about Hulk Hogan’s schlong. Because that’s not the kind of shit that’s usually on my mind, natch.

Immediately following the verdict, Gawker founder Nick Denton released a statement via a screencap of some text. That ought to be your first sign that Gawker isn’t confident they can come through this. No one uses the screencap-of-some-text method unless they have to be very careful of what they say, because they aren’t completely on the up and up.

It’s the high tech, 2K16 equivalent of using “what had happnened was” to explain why you don’t have someone’s money.

Denton says he’s confident they can win this on appeal. But supposedly, they’ve gotta put up a bond for $50 million, which they don’t have, before they’re allowed to appeal. According to someone from the Law Offices of Facebook and Twitter, there might be a way they can borrow the money, but even that would cost several million dollaes upfront.

They can’t be that confident they’re gonna win on appeal, because how did they lose the $115 million in the first place? Somehow, the jury ended up award Hogan more money than he asked for. I don’t even think Hogan thought he could win. He just sued because he doesn’t have shit else better to do during the day now that he’s not wrestling anymore.

If the video was already on the Internets, why should Gawker have to pay $115 million just for posting it on their site? The damage had already been done. Might as well have a look! And what difference does it make if they describe what happens in the video, when people could just look and see for themselves? I thought this was America.

If Johnny Cochran were still alive, and if Gawker believed in hiring black people (real dreaded n-words from the street, not their usual cornball brothers), this trial would have been over a week ago, and Hulk Hogan would have been reimbursing Nick Denton for whatever it cost to fly down there, plus a room with two double beds and a cot at La Quinta Inn, but alas.


Originally published at www.byroncrawford.com on March 21, 2016.