Ke$ha Lied

The “Tik Tok” singer made up allegations against Dr. Luke to get out of a bad record deal

It’s tragic that a judge recently ruled that Ke$ha can’t get out of her contract with Dr. Luke just because she claims that the producer pulled a Bill Cosby on her. It would have been even more tragic if Dr. Luke really had pulled a Bill Cosby on her. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure that he didn’t. I’m just as certain that he didn’t as Twitter is that he did — but for better reasons.

Ke$ha is contractually obligated to record six more albums with Dr. Luke’s label Kemosabe and Sony Music, but she’s argued that she shouldn’t have to, because Dr. Luke raped her when she was 18.

She says that Dr. Luke got her drunk and then gave her what he told her were “sober pills.” Later, she says, she realized that this was GHB, known on some college campuses as the date rape drug. She says she woke up the next day in Dr. Luke’s bed naked and sore.

It doesn’t specify where she was sore, in the article and a half I read on this, but I’m assuming she meant “down there.” Otherwise, it could have been a charley horse from the dehydration. Used to happen to me all the time back when I had time to get wasted on the reg.

Referring to GHB as “sober pills” of course calls to mind Michael Jackson giving his young CAC sleepover pals red wine in a Coke can and calling it “Jesus juice,” and it’s interesting to think that Jacko himself once called Sony Music the devil.

Ke$ha’s video for the song “Die Young” is filled with Illuminati symbolism. She famously claimed that she’d been “forced” to sing the song, after it was pulled from radio in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, thus raising the following questions:

1) Forced by whom?

2) Did they somehow know Sandy Hook would happen?

3) Did Sandy Hook really happen, or were those just “crisis actors?”

Anyway, Ke$ha says she called her mom at the time of the alleged sexual assault, but otherwise she didn’t report it until it was time to get out of her deal with Sony Music. She doesn’t have any physical evidence to prove that it happened, and she’s been inconsistent about basic facts like the date it supposedly happened.

I guess there wouldn’t be any stained clothes, like Monica Lewinsky’s dress from the GAP. Her mom didn’t have the sense, or the foresight, to record the phone conversation, like Linda Tripp, in case it could be used for business purposes at a later date.

Nor did she prevent Ke$ha from continuing to work with Dr. Luke for upwards of 10 years. Tha fuck?

I could almost see if it were a son. If any son of mine calls me claiming to have been sexually assaulted by his boss, he better be calling from a jail or a hospital. Otherwise, that means he kinda wanted it. If my son called me claiming to have been assaulted by a woman, I’d kick his ass and then drop him off at her house to be “abused” further.

One of the reasons Ke$ha is arguing that she she shouldn’t have to hold up her end of the contract is because Dr. Luke drove her to develop an eating disorder by calling her an FN refrigerator. She ended up having to check into a special rehab for people with eating disorders, in Illinois.

This is disturbing to me, because what if it really was a crime to suggest that a girl might could do something about her weight?

*shudders at the thought*

I consulted the Google, an article in the Daily Mail (known for turning up unflattering pics of female celebrities) and two music videos, and I couldn’t find an image of Ke$ha in which she was especially bad-looking.

The main thing you notice about Ke$ha is that she always looks different. In court the other day, she looked like a long-time stripper who’d married a member of the Greatest Generation, only to find out that he didn’t really have any money. At various points in her career, she’s cultivated either a white-trash look or more of a Calabasas celbutante look, I guess depending on what demographic she was trying to target.

In full body shots, you notice that she has freakishly strong legs, like a female wrestler. You’d have to roofie her in order to make sweet, passionate love to her without her consent, or else she could hold you there in a vise-like grip until the cops showed up. It would suck, because you got caught, but it would also be kinda awesome. I can think of few better ways to get arrested.

She also has hands that are roughly twice the size of Kendrick Lamar’s hands. Most girls’ hands are larger than Kendrick Lamar’s hands, but not that much larger. If I didn’t know for a fact that she was born a woman, I’d have to perform a physical examination on her (I’d have someone else do this), lest I Mister Cee myself, but then I’d ride that hard and put it away wet. Really, there’s nothing wrong with how she looks.

Therefore, I don’t think you can argue that it’s Dr. Luke’s fault that she ended up in a rehab for people with eating disorders. She was in that rehab because, like all girls with eating disorders, she’s mental — by definition. She wouldn’t even know if she was fat if she really was fat. The image she sees in the mirror is a distortion of reality. She thinks her problem is her weight, when it’s really the fact that she has the bone structure of a guy.

If she’s wrong about something as fundamental as how she looks, who knows what else she might be wrong about?

Basic logic would dictate that Ke$ha lied at some point in time or another. Either she lied when she said that Dr. Luke pulled a Bill Cosby on her, or she lied when she swore under oath that he didn’t.

I guess both things could be true emotionally, but emotions are only relevant in Lifetime movies and Drake albums; certainly not in a court of law.

In 2011, Ke$ha swore under oath in a deposition that she’d never been sexually assaulted by Dr. Luke, in a lawsuit with her former managers. The deposition had been sealed, but Dr. Luke’s lawyer (a woman) requested that it be unsealed and entered as evidence in this current lawsuit.

They asked her specifically if she’d ever been roofied and woke up naked and sore in Dr. Luke’s bed, and she said she couldn’t remember . . . which sounds to me like the kind of thing you say when you’ve been going around claiming that for the past few years, but now you’re in court, and if they catch you in a lie you could wind up in jail.

They asked her mom if she’d been told that anything like that happened, and she said that she was unaware that anything sexual had transpired between Ke$ha and Dr. Luke. Keep in mind that the incident supposedly took place in 2005, and she’d continued to work with him ever since.

Ke$ha’s lawyer tried to argue that she had no choice but to lie, because Dr. Luke said he’d destroy her career if she didn’t. If that’s true, it means that Ke$ha might need to be thrown in jail for having lied in court, and she might owe money to her former managers, if she prevailed in that lawsuit.

When Lil Kim lied in court to protect her weed carriers, who’d been involved in a shootout outside Hot 97, they threw her ass in prison. Part of the reason they did so was to send out a message to black people who don’t know how to act in corporate office buildings. As discussed in No Country for Black Men, the building where Hot 97 was located had two separate elevators: one for white people, and one for black people.

Also, this makes me wonder what kind of lawyer would advise his client to lie in court about the fact that she’d been raped, to protect her singing career. It would seem to me that that’s precisely the kind of thing you’d want to bring up in court, even if it’s hardly relevant to the matter at hand, but what do I know? I was pre-med.

If nothing else good comes from this, every girl reading this should write down the name of Ke$ha’s lawyer and add it to a list of lawyers not to hire, along with the names of any black or otherwise non-Jewish lawyers, if it’s a situation where your freedom is hanging in the balance and hence not the time to be trying to make a point.

This Ke$ha-Dr. Luke lawsuit was never about anything other than money.

Ke$ha’s mom let Dr. Luke talk her into letting Ke$ha drop out of high school at 18, probably a mere matter of months before she was set to graduate (unless she was “held back” in elementary school), because she wanted that $$$. Now Ke$ha’s damn near 30, on the downward slope of what should have been a successful career, without much to show for it.

The fact that she still owes six albums to Dr. Luke and Sony Music suggests to me that she didn’t have a very good contract. It may have been worse than the typical bad record deal. But arguably, she didn’t deserve to make that much money from her music, because she didn’t bring much to the table in the first place.

As John Seabrook breaks down in the Song Machine, all of that corporate, mass-produced pop music is written by the same small handful of furrin guys, including Dr. Luke, who, along with Ke$ha, is discussed at length in the book. Dr. Luke was the one who did all the heavy lifting. Without him, we wouldn’t know who Ke$ha was, unless she got into wrestling.

Dr. Luke put a lot of time and effort into developing Ke$ha’s career that could have been spent developing some other girl’s career. According to the lawsuit, he claims to have $60 million invested in her. If you spend $60 million on a building, they don’t just hand it off to another developer because one of the secretaries has a case of the Mondays.

If she wants to run things, she can get her own building. Otherwise, she needs to suck it up and get back to work. No Boutros.

Originally published at on February 22, 2016.