The to-do lifestyle and why it sucks

Today I got home from work. I put down my yoga mat to stretch and just fell asleep. My brain had went into overwhelm mode and shut down. Two hours later I woke up. Fuck I am two hours behind now on the eight things I had planned to do tonight. I open up the note sheet on my laptop where I write my to-dos. I look at it. Tonight I have eight things left. Tomorrow I have fifteen and the day after I have twenty-two. I was going to Europe in four days and had a lot to get done before that trip. Fun trip planning was now anxious overwhelm. What am I forgetting I kept thinking. My boss had also just given me a big work project that had to get done before I left.

I started tackling tonight's to-dos. But suddenly as I rose off my yoga mat an overwhelming feeling of anxiety came upon me again. I tried to stand up but I couldn’t. I had hit rock bottom. I literally felt crippled. My brain didn’t work anymore. It just felt completely empty. It’s way of coping with the perceived busyness was to shut down.

I am constantly doing — but internally I feel like I am doing less and less every day. And so I pile on more to do to try and capture a brief moment of meaning. But every time I pile something on meaning just gets farther and farther from my grasp.

I was so wrapped up in scheduling that I would literally schedule out blocks of time labeled, ‘fun’. Quick word to you: if you have to schedule times to have fun in your life that should be a red flag. I did this all the time. And thus as I struggled to stand on my little blue yoga mat…

I had a serious, life changing moment.

I realized my life had lost its flare that had turned into one big fucking to-do list. Wake up. Start on task one, go till task fifteen, sleep. And I would get slight spikes of positive emotion when I could cross one out. All spontaneity had disappeared. I would just wake up, go to work and knock out my work to-dos. Then come home and knock out my life to-dos. Cash flows, email responses, drive home in traffic, weight lift, followed by a shitty 5-minute journal entry. I never stopped to actually live. I used to love to cook. Tonight I made salmon, shiitake mushrooms, and this amazing tomato soup. For most people this would have been an elaborate meal. For me it was another cross off on my to-do. I ate the food and didn’t even taste it. Because I was focused on my next to-do.

About thirty minutes ago I opened up my to-do list. I hit command-A and backspace. I then turned off my computer. I walked outside and forced myself to look at trees. I then walked inside and started writing. Something that I just spontaneously started doing.

I’ve never felt happier.