Avenging Tom Cowboy

Cameron Bradford
Sep 5, 2018 · 10 min read

Chapter Two

The next morning, I woke up early so that I could begin my hunt for Roy Evil. The first thing I did was go to the general store to stock up on supplies and bend my ear to a couple bounty hunters who had tried to kill Roy in the past.
“He’s a tough son of bitch,” one of them said, “If he sees that you’re shooting at him, he’ll duck for cover and shoot right back, I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Yep, I almost had him,” the other chimed in, “If I had horse as fast as his, he wouldn’t have gotten away, of course, I could only manage a donkey at the time.”
“Do either of you rough necks know how many men he has in his squad?” I asked.
“Ooh, it looks like we got an over-achiever over here,” the first one said, “you only get paid to kill him, pal. No need to create extra work for yourself.”
“But don’t they shoot at you?” I asked.
“Well sure, pal. But you have to understand, the bounty hunter business model is very fragile. If you kill a guy before he has a bounty on his head then what good does that do? It’s like a farmer harvesting crops two months early.”
“Yes sir, if you see a low-level bad guy shooting at you, it’s best to spare him and let him rake up some more notoriety and then go back and kill him,” the second one said.
“Thanks for the insight into your industry. Can either of you recommend a good gun to use?”
Pulling out his gun to show it off, the first said, “Any cowboy who takes himself seriously buys the Bainbridge six-shooter. You can shoot six people once, three people twice or two people thrice. Of course, if you want to buy one of those, you’ll have to act fast because Bainbridge is currently recalling them for some manufacturing error.”
“Bainbridge, huh?”
“Yep, that’s a heck of a gun. I used one to kill my pa as an infant. I don’t remember that of course, but I am told the Bainbridge dropped him like a fly. Terribly tragic day.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, partner,” I said.
“It’s okay, friend. It turned out my father had a bounty on his head so I became very rich for an infant.”
“What did you do with the money?”
“Oh I wish I had access to the money. It’s locked away in a trust with the stipulation that I must use it on a university education.”
“Why haven’t you used it?”
“None of the universities would accept me.”
“How come.”
“Cause I killed my father.”

After I packed up my supplies entirely into the left side saddle bags of my horse and then propped it up with a piece of wood so it wouldn’t tip over, I realized that I had grown very thirsty from my conversation with the two bounty hunters. In the saloon I was greeted by the disgusting riff raff of the town, to distract myself from those repulsive lowlifes and perverts, I ogled the prostitutes and drank whiskey until I was belligerent. After I sobered up a bit I noticed a young girl sitting at the bar.
“Aren’t you a little young to be in a place like this?”
“You don’t know who I am? Have you had your head up your ass?”
“No,” I lied.
“I’m Shirley Daniels!”
“…”
“Shirley Daniels, the rootin’ tootin’ Cowgirl from Texarkana, Oklabraska.”
“I’m sorry, that just doesn’t ring a bell. I don’t’ really follow showbiz.”
“Well, long story, I’m the quickest, most accurate gun in all the West therefore by extension the East.”
“Huh, now that you mention it, I have wondered a couple times who the quickest gun in the West actually was because that’s a very valued skill.”
“Well now you know. It’s me, Shirley Daniels.”
“Say, I could use someone like you. My friend was killed yesterday and I want to kill the guy who killed him.”
“Do you know who did it?”
“None other than Roy Evil.”
“Who’s that?”
“You don’t know who Roy Evil is?”
“No.”
“He’s the most notorious, murderous bandit in all the West and therefore by extension, the East.”
“I haven’t heard of him.”
“Well, that’s hard to believe.”
“How come? You hadn’t heard of me and I’m also very famous.”
“Okay so we both have huge gaps in our knowledge of famous people. Will you still help me?”
“What’s in it for me?”
“Glory, adventure…”
“I mean cashwise.”
“Well I assume there will be great spoils that we’ll split.”
“Yeah, that’s if we succeed, but I still require a retainer of $25 a day.”
“$25 a day?! Who the hell could afford that?”
“Anyone who wants to hire me.”
“Well it’s gonna take me a while to scrounge up that much dough.”
“Let me know when you do.”

I left in a bit a sour mood. I needed a stiff drink but I just walked out of the only bar in town and I couldn’t just go back, it would really make me look like a loser. The town was closing up for the night. Back at Tom’s Ranch, I couldn’t find any whiskey. I ultimately decided to eat all the snacks I had in my cargo pants and this helped me stave off my ravenous need for alcohol which is what usually gets me through boring, dark, lonely nights in the current West.

In the morning, I felt chipper, energized and full of purpose. I can’t remember the last time I woke up and felt like anything but garbage. I had a road map in my head of everything I needed to do. So I dumped a bottle of ketchup on my horse’s ass and rode out to Silverglass Ranch. Approaching the ranch was like entering the gates of heaven, the yard had grass in it, first time I had ever seen the stuff, and a fountain that featured some cherubim spitting and others peeing — all of them drawing from the same water supply which I found very disgusting. The yard was also filled with rare birds; I spotted a flamingo, a peacock, even a black swan. There was also a vulture that was sort of just walking around, luxuriating, seemingly trying to fit in with the other birds but really not fooling anyone. In the corral area there contained ten pure white horse, ten pure black horses and ten pure brown horses. At one point, one of the brown horses had a heart attack and died. In mere seconds, several servants promptly came over and killed a black one and white one so that there were now nine of each. I had to admire such close attention to symmetry. As I made my way closer to the house I noticed the gardener was trimming a shrubbery to look like me which I was very flattered to see. The house was a beautiful Spanish hacienda style. The front entrance was guarded by French doors. Each door had a dozen knockers, but the knockers were hung over panes of glass so I decided to just knock with my hand because I didn’t want to break the glass, unfortunately, my class ring still caught the glass in just the right way and it broke anyway.

A very tall man wearing a tuxedo answered the door. “May I be of assistance?” he asked.
“Yes, sir, I’d like to speak to Victoria Silverglass.”
“She’s currently enjoying her afternoon swim, I can lead you to wait by the pool if you’d like. Also, what’s your business with Miss Silverglass?”
“She has damaged my horse, and I seek to recupe the damages.”
“Ah yes, you don’t need to speak with her on this matter. You can just have one of the horses from our stables, or you could even take 3 if you like, same difference.”
“I don’t want another horse. I want to fix my current horse.”
“May I inquire what is wrong with your current horse?”
“One of its butt cheeks is bleeding all over.”
“Have you tried dabbing it with a towel?”
“No, I only have one towel and it’s my good towel.”
“How can you only have one towel?”
I don’t know. I’m a cowboy.”
“Do you have a house?”
“I have a ranch I just inherited.”
“And there’s only one towel on this ranch?”
“Well, no. But I don’t really feel comfortable using my dead friend’s towel on my horse’s bleeding ass.”
“Why not?”
“It seems disrespectful. He pretty much just died”
“Well doesn’t he have any bad towels that can be converted to rags?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want a towel?”
“I want money for a horse doctor.”
“For that, you’d have to speak to Miss Silverglass.”
“Very well then.”
“Do you mind speaking to her as she changes behind a privacy partition?”
“Uh no, I can wait though, it’s not a problem.”
“She usually likes to speak with people as she’s finishing up her swim and changing behind a partition.”
“I mean, if that’s what she wants.”

The butler led me to the pool where Victoria Silverglass was finishing up the last few laps of a backstroke. “Hello, you must be the cowboy whose horse I injured,” she said as she walked behind the partition and slung her swimming suit over the top.
“Yep, those are the very wrongs I came here to right.”
“So you want money, I presume.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
She grabbed a big sunhat that was hanging on the partition, put it on, and then tried to pull a shirt on over it but wasn’t able to. She continued putting clothes on in the wrong order and having to redo it. All the while, she was grilling me on my horse’s injury and struggling to maintain continuity in the conversation because getting dressed was obviously taking up a lot of her focus. Finally, she asked if I wanted to ride the trails with her. I said yes.

As we were gearing up to go out on the trail, I asked Victoria if I could borrow one of her horses to keep up my little injury lie. She told me that horses are the quadrupeds of the poor and offered an elephant for me to ride.

“Victoria,” I said, “I’ve never ridden an elephant before. I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable.”
“Very well then, your elephant can be carried on a zebra-drawn wagon.”
“That seems very complicated.”
“Would you prefer an ostrich?”
“I’d prefer a horse.”
“Very well, but don’t complain to me when others think you’re broke.”
“I mean, I did come here to ask you for money.”
“Oh darling, you have a lot to learn about garish ostentation.”

As we approached a clearing in the trail, Victoria, sitting high upon her Indian elephant, spotted a rabbit nibbling on some plant. It occurred to both of us simultaneously that this would be a fun thing to kill. Just as I was drawing my rifle, hoping to impress her with my marksmanship, she blew a special whistle and a heavily camouflaged man sitting behind the rabbit reached out and broke its neck. I had never seen anything like it.

“What just happened?”
“That was one of my assassins. I have them stationed everywhere.”

The man who had wrung the rabbit’s necked tossed it up to her.

“Thanks, Bruce.”
“Anytime, Vic.”

We continued to ride along. And I wasn’t getting anywhere with my money-grubbing. So I decided to put it to her more pointedly.

“So, can I rely on you to help me fix my horse?”
“Why do you want the money?”
“To fix my horse.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Of course not.”
“And yet you smeared ketchup on your horse’s ass and expected me to believe I injured it.”
“Ok, so I was trying to get some money for another reason.”
“Which is?”
“I want to fund a search-and-kill group to find a guy who killed my friend.”
“You don’t know much about me do you, darling?”
“I know you’re very damn rich.”
“I come from a family of real estate magnates. Our land holdings total an area the size of Azerbaijan.”
“What’s Azerbaijan?”
“It’s a country in the Caucasus.”
“You obviously know a lot more geography than I do. How big is Azerbaijan?”
“It’s about the size of Maine.”
“Why don’t you just tell people that.”
“Because, it’s closer in size to Azerbaijan.”
“Okay, I’ll try to learn more about that country. Do you know anything about Budapest? I learned about that one recently.”
“Yes, I know about Budapest.”
“We should talk about it sometime.”
“Sure. Anyway, my family owns a lot of real estate in the current West and we’re trying to get people to move here. Part of that goal is to get rid of all the bad guys, people like Roy Evil. So one thing we’ve started to do is finance operations just like the one you’re describing.”
“So, you’d give me money to kill Roy Evil?”
“Well, I’m not sure if I can trust you.”
“Oh, you can. Don’t worry, I’m good.”
“That’s not enough for me. I want to be a part of it. I want to help kill Roy Evil.”

I was struck by this. Surely, bringing this spoiled heiress along would slow me down and ultimately prevent me from squeezing the life out of the famously bad Roy Evil.

“Look,” I said, “you’ve never been on the trail before. You don’t know how rough it can get. Maybe you should leave this to real cowfolk.”
“I can be tough.”
“Have you killed before?”
“I assume a lot of people have died as a result of my extravagant lifestyle.”
“That’s different. I’m talking about the type of killing where you murder someone.”
“Oh, then I guess not. But I want to. I want to kill. I want to get my hands dirty before the current West is tamed and there’s not one left to murder lawfully.”
“Fine, you can come but only because I remember what it was like to not have killed someone and how no one takes you seriously. The first person to take me seriously, in fact, was Tom Cowboy. He was my mentor. He stood behind me and held my gun steady when I killed my first man — a fleeing bank robber I shot in the back. What’s the point of avenging him if I don’t live by the lessons he imparted to me? Also you sort of me in a stranglehold financially.”
“I look forward to helping you find justice for your friend.”

The trail we were on sloped gently out of a pine forest and into a valley containing a secluded lake.

“This is my favorite place that I own,” Victoria said.
“Do you have a favorite place you don’t own?”
“Paris, I suppose. Though I’m trying to buy that.”

When we reached the lake, the elephant drew water up in its trunk and deposited it in its mouth as elephants do. My borrowed horse looked at the elephant enviously and the elephant reached it trunk to the horse and sprayed water in into the horse’s mouth as well. I found the whole thing extremely beautiful.

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