𝕭𝖊𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖆𝖌𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖜𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖞 𝖙𝖜𝖔

It is never easy being at the age of 22 stuck, stuck in situations, stuck with others’ opinions, stuck in the pandemic, and so on. I don’t know am I stuck or am I just pretending. I know very well that I never imagined how I would live my life in the age of 22 till my twenties, but in my twenties after choosing a path to start my life, my career I had plans, especially many joyful moments. But thinking of them now is a heartbreak. I love dreaming a lot, about people, places, and even conversations. But now recalling that they all ended in my dreams only, makes me feel awful. Sometimes it feels like I am not going to dream anymore, anyhow it’s not going to happen. I don’t know are those dreams are much worthy of my sorrow but it hurts.

I can’t really blame pandemic, maybe it’s me who decided to be who I am now. I see differences in myself from before to now. I nurtured myself and I am happy about it now of the way I choose to grow. I am finding myself as a writer which I never imagined in my past and presently making it a hobby for my own peace feels happy and enthusiastic to me. I loved writing because it accomplished my wishes, I always imagine the fictional character as a person who loves to work on their dreams and a partner who eagerly helps to achieve their wishes even the little ones. At least that fictional character is happy now.

I had days where I strived to survive. Those days changed me a lot. I am stronger than before and now I get to know things better and precisely than before. Sometimes it feels like a scam to know everything. So I decided to change my perspective. And when I saw things from a different point of view I realized that I have a lot more to learn. Talking to people made me of thinking of the burns they have inside. I always believe that maturity comes with experiences but not age. Seeing people who never spoke of what they came across made me decide to never judge people based on what we see and what we hear. We all go through hells we never speak of. So, let’s respect all of them and I decided to create from the hells I have been through and the stories of the journeys of my peoples’ hell. Sometimes I feel like it is not correct god to give these burns to people and sometimes I tell myself that this is how the law of living works.

I know the situation I am facing now is out of my hands, I am not the one who decided to stay and study in the home, in the zoom and being too much dependent at the age of 22. I wished to go to university in person, stay there in a room alone, wake up early in the morning without an alarm, having my self prepared coffee and have my coffee on the balcony seeing the cloudy colorful morning sky of sunrise enjoying the breeze, going to university, and enjoying my time alone in the library reading my favorite book, going to explore the town in weekends, creating poems in the beaches, having my favorite meal, suddenly waking up at 2’o clock and having the best view of the night sky full of stars, having a long walk when things don’t work as planned, crying with the rain, missing my home and my mother, her delicious food, calling mom to gossip my whole day, managing my money, having a short of money and calling home for a backup. This is why I wanted to go there and live, to explore and learn. I always needed a lifestyle far more different from now. I never knew why but I always think that there lies my peace, as that life gives me peace. But now here I am stuck in my home. These are the words from part of my self.

My other part has other things to say. One day when I am randomly writing in my diary I addressed myself as a 22-year-old kid and suddenly I thought am I a kid anymore. It is not about calling myself a kid can I be a kid anymore. Can I also make silly mistakes, can I be careless, am I mature enough to handle a family, take responsibilities. I know I am some what behind in my path of career due to pandemics which is not my fault I suppose, but I am now 22, ages never waited until all get settled fine. I thought I would be a responsible daughter in my 25 but now it’s going to get one or two years late. So anyhow now it feels like I am a burden here. Seeing my hard-working father makes me feel sick sometimes. I don’t know if I could manage the responsibilities but I’d love to be part, at least not even a burden anymore.

Now I decided to work on me. No matter what I can’t change how nature works, but I can literally adopt to them. I am going to learn. Few years later when looking back I’ll be with my degree in my hands, with that I need to see myself as a strong, independent women who is an inspiration to many behind, a writer who finds peace in her writing and always a learner who is eager to learn something new. With all those emotions with in me I am continuing my age of 22 and the far more years. I will live not just survive, I am going to live as a imperfectly perfect girl. I promise…

~𝓥𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮_𝓸𝓯_𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 💚