Gaslighting in the Workplace

Gaslighting is hard to spot, but can have an outsized impact on you, your team, and your organization. The following is a guide to gaslighting, its impact on the organization, how to identify if it’s happening to you or happening on your team, as well as steps to mitigate its effects.

“Gaslighting is by definition extremely hard to recognise, especially when it’s happening to you, which is what makes it so insidious.” — Isiah McKimmie, psychotherapist

On a team and within a company we have expectations for how we treat each other, and we’re usually able to quickly identify and resolve situations that deviate from those expectations. The phenomenon known as “Gaslighting” merits special attention because it is difficult to identify (and therefore likely to be missed or misunderstood), and often resistant to normal conflict resolution techniques. Gaslighting, when left unchecked, can be destructive to employees, teams, and the organization at large, and also undermine efforts towards diversity and inclusion.

What is gaslighting?

To gaslight is “to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation.” The term originates from the 1938 play “Gas Light” (adapted into the 1944 movie “Gaslight”) where a husband tries to convince his otherwise sane wife that she has gone crazy in an attempt to get her committed to a mental hospital and steal her jewelry. The husband causes the gas lights in the house to flicker, but claims not to see it when confronted by his wife, thereby causing her to believe she’s going crazy.

What does gaslighting look like in a work environment?

While there isn’t one answer, broadly, it is when one person manipulates another person into questioning their own ability and self-worth. While this most commonly happens in boss-employee relationships, it can happen anywhere regardless of hierarchical structure. Consider the following example:

It’s Jim’s first day in a new position. He’s excited and looking forward to diving into his new role. Jim meets with his new boss, Kevin, who gives Jim his first project: researching mission statements at the top five tech companies. Jim gets straight to work, and comes back to Kevin the next day to deliver the results. Kevin is incensed. “I clearly told you to write a mission statement for this company, not research mission statements for other companies.” Jim is confused, but presumes that in the excitement of his new job he must have misheard or misremembered the instructions. This goes on for months, where Kevin changes his ask while pretending his new ask was his original ask all along, and Jim begins to question his listening skills and ability to do his job.

One or two misunderstands are normal in the course of business, but in this example, the misunderstandings are constant and sustained. Given this, why doesn’t Jim see it and why doesn’t he speak up? First, most people aren’t aware of gaslighting (hence this article), and second, gaslighting is extremely difficult to recognize. People tend to look for the best in others and are very willing to look for fault in themselves. In the case of Jim, he has a much easier time believing that he has trouble listening rather than that his boss is deliberately lying to him.

Effects of gaslighting on the employee

Gaslighting can take an otherwise high-functioning individual and turn them into a low performer who eventually leaves the team, company, and even industry. This is because, over time, the target or targets of gaslighting experience:

• Loss of motivation
• Loss of self-esteem
• Stagnation of career progression
• Loss of ability to make decisions
• Anxiety and/or depression, which can eventually lead to physical illness and/or PTSD

Gaslighting and diversity and inclusion

While gaslighting can impact anyone, it is more likely to impact people from underrepresented groups, and the adverse effects on these individuals are often more severe. Gaslighting is particularly effective when there’s an imbalance in power, and underrepresented/overrepresented groups create an implicit power dynamic. We’ll circle back later to see how a gaslighter can use a target’s minority status to their advantage, and to see how gaslighting can be disproportionately destructive to a person who is a member of a minority group.

The gaslighter

To understand and spot gaslighting, we first have to understand the gaslighter and their motivation and techniques. A gaslighter is singularly focused on achieving their goals and gaining or maintaining a position of power and control. In this pursuit, a gaslighter will relentlessly seek to remove any obstacles that stand in the way of their goal. When a gaslighter perceives another person to be an obstacle, they will use a variety of techniques such as guilt, shame, fear, and doubt to entice their perceived adversary into voluntarily stepping aside. A gaslighter will spend a lot of time, effort, and energy making their target believe they are incompetent, as well as making people around the target believe that the target is incompetent, while simultaneously concealing and obfuscating these efforts. This makes gaslighting very hard to spot when it’s happening to you, and even harder to see it happening in the wild. While hard to identify, especially in isolated incidents, there are a standard set of techniques that gaslighters use to manipulate and destabilize their targets and those around them.

Gaslighting techniques

Withholding

A gaslighter can withhold things, including:

• Attention (silent treatment)
• Information, meeting invitations
• Praise
• Access to resources
• Assistance
• Raises/bonuses

The purpose of this behavior is to destabilize the target by causing them to question themselves and what they might be doing to deserve this treatment. The secondary purpose is to make it harder for the target to do their job. This can also be coupled with unnecessary ultimatums — “I won’t help you unless you…” or “I won’t help you because…” to make the target feel like they’re at fault for not getting the help/resources/information they need.

Isolation

A gaslighter will attempt to isolate the target from other coworkers as much as possible. The purpose of this is to limit the number of people who can contradict the gaslighter’s version of events, as well as cause emotional distress to the target. A gaslighter can achieve this by:

• Excluding the target from team/social events
• Spreading rumors or lies about the target to other coworkers
• Badmouthing the target to management
• Creating situations where the target will conflict with other coworkers

Discrediting

A gaslighter is interested in discrediting a target as much as possible, making it so that their ideas and contributions carry little or no weight. The purpose of this is two-fold. Primarily, the gaslighter wants the target to question the validity of their ideas and contributions, thereby making the target believe that they incompetent and have no valuable contributions. Secondarily, the gaslighter is trying to convince people around them that the target is not someone to be trusted or taken seriously, to instill further faith in the gaslighter’s version of events. This can be blatant or subtle:

• Continually shooting down the target’s suggestions
• Ignoring or taking credit for the target’s contributions
• Stating or implying that the target’s work is sub-par
• Micromanagement

Deception

This is a core tactic, and can take many forms including:

• Overt lies
• Distortion of key aspects of an event
• A mostly true narrative or list of facts with key facts omitted
• Creation of alternate narratives and explanations

The purpose of this behavior is to cause the target to be less and less sure of themselves, and also to conceal the gaslighter’s behavior and motives. A gaslighter will often repeat their lie or version of the truth over and over in an attempt to solidify it as fact. The more overt the lie, the more destabilized the target will be if the gaslighter gets away with it.

Intimidation and Leveling

The purpose of these tactics are for the gaslighter to establish dominance and authority, so that their account of events, statements, and contributions are weighted more heavily than those of the target. Specifically, the purpose of intimidation is to establish dominance over other coworkers, and the purpose of leveling is to buck authority and establish that they are at the same level as their superiors. In this pursuit, a gaslighter may:

• Make grand displays of their competence
• Establish themselves as a subject matter expert in one or more areas
• Establish their maturity, emotional or otherwise
• Make it known to their superiors that they do not respect their authority and feel they are on the same level

Enmeshment/Codependency

This is when the gaslighter blurs the lines between themselves and their target with the purpose of removing the target’s autonomy and self-sufficiency. The gaslighter can accomplish this by:

• Making decisions for the target
• Making decisions on behalf of the target based on “what’s best”
• Ignoring personal boundaries
• Oversharing personal information about themselves or the target

When the target loses the distinction between the gaslighter and themselves, they more readily accept the gaslighter’s version of events.

Degrading

Aka “traditional bullying”. This is one of the more overt and easy to recognize tactics, since this is what we’re training to think of when we think of bullying. This can include:

• Yelling
• Insulting
• Name-calling (which includes statements like “you’re acting like a ___” and “some might say you are a ___”)
• Physical violence

The purpose of this, when combined with the above tactics, is to make the target think poorly of themselves. Once the target is in a position to doubt their own judgement and believe the gaslighter, they will start to believe whatever the gaslighter says about them and believe that they are part of the problem.

Temporary suspension of bad behavior

Periodically the gaslighter may stop all bad behaviors and behave completely normally with their target. This serves to make the target question if they’d been imagining the bad behavior all along, and also to lower the target’s defenses for the next round of bad behaviors.

In learning about what motivates a gaslighter and the techniques they use, it is important to recognize that a gaslighters behavior is offensive, not defensive, and deliberate, not accidental.

We’re trained to assume good intentions and that bad behaviors are reactive, not proactive, and so understanding a gaslighter and a gaslighter’s motivations is initially challenging and counter-intuitive.

The target

While anyone can be a target of gaslighting, there are some characteristics that make a person more or less likely to be gaslit. This is not to say that gaslighting is the fault of the target, at all — this is to say that a gaslighter will use (often positive) characteristics of their targets to their advantage. Gaslighters tend to target people who:

• Like to help others
• Have a tendency to see the best in people
• Seek to please others (people pleasing)
• Are prone to self-doubt (imposter syndrome)
• Are willing and eager to take responsibility

Targets from underrepresented groups

A gaslighter can choose to target a person from an underrepresented group because their tactics will often be much more effective. This is for societal reasons, e.g. people tend to believe men more than women, and for personal reasons, e.g. people from underrepresented groups are more prone to imposter syndrome. Gaslighting can also have a disproportionate negative impact on people from underrepresented groups, as they’re more likely to believe the gaslighter’s appraisal of their competence, and they’re less likely to be able to successfully call out the gaslighter’s behaviors.

Spotting a gaslighter

Gaslighters, like gaslighting itself, are incredibly hard to spot, especially when they don’t have an active target. Gaslighters are very focused on managing their reputation and often go out of their way to make sure they’re well-liked and well-regarded (being well-liked makes them more effective at gaslighting). If they have an active target, it’s very possible that no one but that target will see anything but a great boss, teammate, and employee. That said, gaslighters do have some common characteristics and there are some behaviors you can look out for:

• Lack of boundaries (oversharing information about themselves or others)
• Making excuses, blaming others for their issues
• Reacting explosively to feedback or (real or imagined) threats
• Dishonesty in any form
• Mocking people (teammates or others)
• An inclination towards fighting
• Diligent management of their own reputation

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
- Maya Angelou

In addition to the overarching themes above, it is often possible to discern gaslighting from accidental or defensive behavior by examining the person’s reactions when they are called on their behavior. Just as there are standard manipulation techniques, gaslighters have some standard reactions to being called out. The reactions themselves are an extension of the initial tactics, and their purpose is twofold: to conceal the gaslighter’s actions and to instill further double in their target and others. Some common reactions include:

Insistence on ignorance and innocence

A gaslighter is acting offensively, not defensively, and deliberately, not accidentally, so they are well aware of their actions and the effects — but no one else is. This makes insisting on their ignorance and innocence a very effective technique, as it inspires sympathy for the gaslighter and causes the target to further question their judgement. Some common refrains from the gaslighter are:

• “I have no idea what I did wrong.”
• “You misunderstood my intentions.”
• “I had no idea that my actions were a problem.”

Minimization

Sometimes the gaslighter will admit to part or all of their actions, but downplay their importance or significance. This allows the gaslighter to admit to their actions while simultaneously denying their impact. The result is that target can feel like they’re overreacting, misremembering, or making a big deal out of nothing. Common refrains include:

• “It wasn’t that bad, why are you upset?”
• “I was just joking, why are you taking it so seriously?”
• “You’re overreacting.”

Deflection

When called on a particular behavior or incident, a gaslighter can choose to deflect instead of addressing the issue head on. This puts the onus on the target to try and keep the conversation centered on the original point. Some common methods of deflection are:

• Changing the subject
• Bringing up an unrelated issue
• Deflecting blame on the target

Continued dishonesty

The initial dishonesty kicks into overdrive. The gaslighter will use the above techniques of lying, omitting key facts, presenting alternative narratives or explanations, and completely changing their story to conceal their intentions and continue to destabilize their target. This can be:

• Vehement, outright denial of the initial dishonesties
• Shifting blame to the target or others (projecting blame)
• A re-characterization of events
• A new version of events

Playing the victim

When called on their behavior, a gaslighter will sometimes insist that they are in fact the victim in the situation. This is one of the trickiest behaviors to tease apart, as it quickly becomes a “she said, she said” situation. The purpose of this is both to deflect blame, garner sympathy, and cause the target to feel guilty for calling out the gaslighter’s behavior.

Temporary acquiescence

When denial and deflection don’t work, a gaslighter may pretend to back down. This is a temporary measure to get people off their back, and does not indicate actual remorse for their behavior or an intent to change.

Retaliation

When the target calls out the behavior of the gaslighter, the gaslighter is likely to double down on their behavior in retaliation and in an attempt to silence further accusations.

Reflected in all of these reactions is gaslighter’s unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions. This is because the gaslighter is well aware of what they are doing and that it’s inappropriate, but feel justified in their behavior.

This means that they will usually have very well reasoned and readily available explanations for anything that they’re called on, which makes it that much harder to identify their actions as gaslighting. A gaslighter may also see admitting their behaviors or backing down as failure, and are therefore very disinclined to do either. A gaslighter’s aim is to win, and in that pursuit continue their behaviors until they succeed in destabilizing their targets. In this pursuit, they’re motivated obfuscate their behavior, not change it.

Up Next:
Gaslighting in the Workplace & You: Signs you’re experiencing gaslighting, and what to do
Gaslighting in the Workplace & Your Team: Signs there is gaslighting on your team, and what to do

Sources and further reading

“In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005CN6PJ0/

“Gaslighting at work — when you think you are going crazy” https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/gaslighting-work-when-you-think-going-crazy-samantha-young

“Gaslighting in the Workplace Part I: What Is Gaslighting and Who Does It?”
http://blogs.bard.edu/mba/2018/01/02/what-is-gaslighting-and-who-does-it/

“11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

“Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why”
https://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/