2018 Lessons
“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.”
Every year I look back, I see myself grow a little bit more and a little faster. That being super prominent especially after my graduation and stepping foot into the workforce. I think adulthood does teach us some interesting things in one way or another.
In 2015–2016, I was fresh out of university, looking for a job, fearful of the future and my pay, a breakup from a long-term relationship. At the same time, I was excited, learning, exploring what a full-time job means, wanting to earn my own keep, make changes of things that i believe in, do a great job and get acknowledged for my capabilities.
In 2017, I took on a new role to challenge myself — worked as a Digital Marketing Manager in Malaysia, was planning to move though I did not manage to do it fully in the end. However, it was one of the best times of my life to be able to work with a direct team who is constantly so supportive and backs me up.
The Year of 2018 has been nothing short of amazing. Looking back, the growth and breakthroughs that I’ve had through this year were unexpected. Some of my major milestones include:
- Finding a partner that supports and loves me for who I am to his best
- Leaving the career that I loved for 3 years 8 months
- Deepening the understanding and acceptance for myself through life-coaching and many more.
What are you afraid of?
One recurring theme that I have noticed for myself is the lack of appreciation that I thought the environment has failed to give me. But, I’m the one who was not showing myself appreciation. I tend to put thoughts of others in my mind that “That person must think I’m stupid”, “People must have thought that I’m so <fill in the blank here with everything that my emotional body fills my head with>”. Then I learnt that:
Everyone’s too full of their own shit to care about you. (ironically, feeling insecure about themselves and wonder what you think about them)
This thought has led to me letting good times pass me by. Many opportunities to learn, many chances to start a new and fruitful conversation and other budding friendships/relationships into nothingness.
I’ve experienced roller-coaster moods because of my inability to love and accept how awesome I am (along with all my flaws that I can actively work on).
If you are reading this, do remember that you’re your worst critic. What good does it do, if it paralyzes you more than moving you forward?
I’ve been holding myself back for such a long time for all the things that I could be doing. A timely reminder came when I read this a few days ago:
When we are in the present, we are often worrying about the future. When we are in the future, are we enjoying what we were looking forward to? Or looking to another future, letting the present past us by?
It still continues to bug me today on and off but I’m learning how to manage. But beyond all of these, what shocked me was my courage to discover more about myself and facing them.
Finding your Ammunition(s)
What do you go to when you feel like shit? I’ve re-connected with my emotions through music — something that I could easily cry to. My mood gets swayed to the songs I’m most resonant with. When I listen to uplifting music, I get to pick myself back up again. It helps encourage a better perception for the world, for myself. Some of my favourite fall back recently are: Idina Menzel — Defying Gravity and Idina Menzel — My Own Worst Enemy
Find that ammunition for yourself and go back to it again and again. For yourself.
Who am I?
I found bits and pieces of myself that was locked away in my past. I found that I was drifting away from my family because of the boundaries I set for myself due to the traumas of my younger days.
On the intelletual end, I’ve accepted that I’m not as dumb as i thought i was. And that i’m actually this “system” of me quite a lot (more room to grow though). I enjoy putting things into structures, connecting facts and data.
On the emotional end, my emotions are raging because I’ve not been addressing the problems as I should have and constantly feeding them (literally and non-literally). One milestone this Q4 was that I managed to disconnect (for a short 10 days) my emotional needs with my food intake. I never thought that I could ever go for a diet, but the process was surprising. In my first 3 days of apple diet, I did not struggle much because I primed myself to it, telling myself that this is my first ever diet and it better fucking work. I breezed through it. The struggle came when other events starting cluttering my life on the subsequent days, with courses and overseas work trip clashing, I felt like i deserved to reward myself more. I gave in for a few meals but I’ve spotted new patterns for my need of food.
I used to say that, I dislike myself. I dislike my character type (ESFJ if you’re curious). And that it sucks that I do not even have a hobby and that I would like to serve. However, I found and acknowledged my love for people and watching them grow. And that connecting to more people and getting them to break past their barrier through knowledge sharing is something that is important to me.
Love and Relationships
I’ve been working on myself for a very long while, working on my short-temperedness, attributing bad outcomes to external factors, insecurities. Finally, I’m getting back my self-esteem and choosing to believe in myself more and more and that all my effort to work myself was worth it.
Sometimes getting back into a relationship makes other parts of me resurface — the good ones and the not-so-good ones. But what’s important is that you both acknowledge and support that you have your good and bad days. And asking key and cruicial questions are key in helping to establish them. Questions like: “What can I do to better support you?”, “What were you feeling?”, “Why were you feeling that way?” helps to keep our distance to each to other close. And I’m thankful for a partner that can be there with me, no matter when. I’m looking forward to more good times and overcoming more challenges together.
With all of this, I hope 2019 will brings me more clarity in all the things I found and more growth to come. :)
