It’s Better to Give — The Art of Loving Series (2/6)
In my last article discussing Erich Fromm’s The Art of Love, I noted four concepts that must be mastered in order to master the art of love. Before I start on the first element, though, I have to write about a concept that is the foundation of them—giving.
So when we look at Erich Fromm’s take on love, we can see a defining feature of it—it’s a selfless action. According to Fromm, it requires the giving of oneself to another person (something we’ll touch on more when we discuss the element of Knowledge).
But as we start to look at the concept, Fromm would say to wait a moment; and it’s here that he does something interesting.
Like in his explanation on love, he divides the concept into two parts: the modern society definition of it, and what he actually believes it to be.
What Gives?
So. The first part. Society’s view on giving. The widespread definition, or rather, misunderstanding, as Fromm put it, of giving.
According to Fromm, modern society believes that giving is a sacrifice, that we are losing something, especially if we’re not receiving. He says this definition in his book, writing that society
assumes that giving is ‘giving up’ something, being deprived of…sacrificing. — TAL, Pg. 22
We then take this notion and make a virtue out of it, out of this supposed sacrifice; that despite this painful sacrifice, we should still give because it’s the “selfless thing to do.”
Then there’s that saying we hear ‘round the holiday season: “‘tis better to give than to receive.” Thus, with this saying, in tandem with this aspect of unpleasant sacrifice, society is inclined to believe that it’s better to suffer deprivation than to experience joy.
But it’s here that Fromm says that we’re still being selfish, that we haven’t even ascended to the plane of Selflessness just yet. In this definition, our primary goal and orientation is still receiving, which is why we consider giving to be a loss. Fromm calls this the “Marketing Character,” after how consumerism and capitalism have affected the psyche of modern society. He writes that
the person whose character has not developed beyond the stage of the receptive, exploitative, or hoarding orientation, experiences the act of giving in this way. The marketing character is willing to give, but only in exchange for receiving; giving without receiving for him is being cheated. People whose main orientation is a non-productive one feel giving as an impoverishment. — TAL, Pg. 22
So with this character, we’re playing the selfless charade and not actually being selfless in our giving. For Fromm, however, giving is more than just action; it’s an experience of the self.
He uses what he calls the “Productive Character” to explain this. He argues that
[f]or the productive character, giving has an entirely different meaning. Giving is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy. I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness. — TAL, Pg. 23
For Fromm, giving isn’t a sacrifice, but rather an enhancer; the Productive Character doesn’t give in order to receive. He gives because he wants to bring the joy he experiences to another person, and he can’t help but do that when he does give.
And in this giving—in truly giving—we cannot help but receive the love that is given back to us. In short, the action of love begets the action of love.
If we want to have an environment where the action and function of love exists, we have to be able to give. If we cannot give, we cannot love.
Along with this, we have to be able to receive what another person gives to us. I’ll let Fromm explain why in the following.
What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other’s sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness…giving implies to make the other person a giver also and they both share in the joy of what they have brought to life. — TAL, Pg. 24
If we cannot receive, then this sharing and enhancement isn’t possible. Hence, true love cannot unfold between the two.
Now the marketing character’s act of giving, as Fromm puts it, is hard to overcome. It requires the changing of one’s character and self. To attain this type of giving, we have to overcome (the following list is paraphrased) dependency, narcissistic omnipotence, the wish to exploit others, and the wish to hoard.
To this list, I would add fears of vulnerability. All of this prevents us from having faith and confidence in ourselves, lowers our self-worth, and makes us, as Fromm puts it, “afraid of giving himself—hence of loving.”
Say that we’re able to give ourselves—selflessly—to another person, and the person the same to us. Like I wrote in this series’ introduction, there are four basic elements within love that must be mastered if we are to master the art of love and become better, more selfless, loving people:
- Care
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Knowledge
I liken this act of giving to a musician and an audience.
The musician wants to give to the audience their passion for music and love of the arts, and does that through their performances. They want to share the joy they feel when performing music.
The audience, in return, gives the musician their attention, happiness, jubilation, and adoration for the performance.
This giving of both parties creates a feedback loop where the musician puts more effort into their performance, taking it to another level, which leads the audience to getting more hype, and so on and so forth.
The environment created from that loop allows the both the musician and audience to be in a state that…I don’t know if the English language has a word for it. Let me know in the comments if you can think of one.
Take a look at the video below for a wonderful example of this concept. The performance at the 19:00 timestamp is a perfect display of this.
Similarly, this environment created by two people giving to each other enriches then and creates a more meaningful and true state of being and loving.
When we’re able to selflessly give ourselves to another, we create the environment in which the state of loving can grow into something that can stand the test of time, and is something that we’ve longed for endlessly.
If you are interested in reading The Art of Love, click the link below and gain access to the free PDF.
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