Carl Diggler Fired For Blowing the Election; David Milkberg to Take His Place
By CAFE’s New Chief Political Columnist David “The Milk” Milkberg
My name is David Milkberg, and you can call me The Milk. I was hired to be CAFE’s chief politics writer after correctly predicting Donald Trump’s victory, which I will explain shortly.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler, who is my hero and best friend, has been relieved of his duties from CAFE for miscalling the election. I last saw my pal via the webcam I’ve mounted on the fourth floor ledge of the Park Slope Curves across from his studio apartment, where he was drinking a liquid from a bottle and talking to his landlord Mr. Yunioshi, who was waving his hands a lot and talking with his mouth open really wide. Dig was crying and then the landlord pushed Dig out of the building and put a chain around the door of Dig’s apartment. Dig was on the street carrying just a box, which I presume contained fangear for the Essex County Chiptune Music Festival, which I have made plans to attend with the Dig via several messages I left on his voicemail.
A little about my experience: I am a FORMER Vice contributor, one of the leading lights in the community of diesel engine aficionados who play the video game Train Table Simulator 2014 and its recent expansion Subway Scheduler, one of the most highly ranked diesel-emphasis Twitch streamers for the very same game, and a battle-tested veteran of the Thyssenkrupp faction within the elevator community on YouTube and other social media websites. I am also the host of the pick-up artist/diesel train podcast Chocolate Milk, which I record in my basement in Essex County, New Jersey, the lead singer of the punk band Diesel Train In Vain, and a regular letter-writer to CAFE’s former chief political columnist The Dig.
Carl’s assistant Virgil Texas has also been fired from CAFE, likely due to his childish and naive support for Dover Elevators, which, while more noble than Otis Elevators, is of course inferior to Thyssenkrupp Elevators. Felix Biederman, although a SPORPSBALL-liking meathead jock, has always been a supporter of Thyssenkrupp, and thus will retain his role as my assistant.
Truly this is a the dawn of a new era of political journalism where people like me, who have been correct all along, will replace those elitist pundits and GameFAQs admin and Gawker comment section moderators who got it wrong. Most writers, such as the STEAM-HUFFING OTIS-RIDING COWARD ADAM PEPSI, assumed that Trump would lose. Here’s how I predicted Trump’s win:
Why Trump Won (And Why The Pundits Got It Wrong)
2016 will be remembered as the Train Election. Though many tried to articulate it as a referendum on President Obama, the economy, or FEMALE Ghostbusters movies, trains were the driving animus for the voters that put Donald Trump in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
While much hay has been made about Trump transition team official Ken Blackwell alluding to “trains running on time,” this is a distraction. We’re not talking figurative, literary trains. We’re talking the real thing.
When people alluded to the “Trump Train,” they were talking about a real, diesel-powered locomotive with all the sounds, whistles, and reliability that once made America great. This great rail beast stood in opposition what Middle American train enthusiasts saw as the establishment: the Acela Corridor and their snobby, elitist electric trains.
Throughout the year, smug pundits such as Ezra Klein and Maglev_Fan88 on the Train Table Simulator 2014 GameFAQs message board (where, despite bias from the moderators, I am a poster of authority) crowed about the superiority of their new electric technology. How their smooth ride and clean fuel would run roughshod all over the dirty Trump Train and its vulgar ways.
But there was an unmistakable desire for diesel in the heartland. Counties that cheered for electric trains supposedly marshalling in a new era in 2008 and 2012 made their voices known: they were let down by a false promises about rail stability.
FACT: The Rust Belt counties that voted for Obama two times and voted for Trump this year have suffered a reduction in diesel train freight of 711,783.6 metric tons in the past decade. This is not due to racism. These are hardworking Americans who come home with diesel-covered smocks, watch my Twitch stream, and are anxious about the inefficiency of steam and electric trains.
Hillary Clinton ignored trains, possibly because of her well-documented ties to steam train CEOs. She tried to make this election about elevators, hoping that voters would be rightfully frightened by the prevalence of dangerous and inefficient Otis Elevators installed in Trump’s skyscrapers and hotels.
She badly misread the electorate. This was not another Elevator Election like 1992. And the Democratic Party will continue to lose until it realizes that diesel trains are superior to steam and electric in every single way.
David “The Milk” Milkberg is CAFE’s NEW Chief Political Columnist, and the host of the pick-up artist/diesel train podcast Chocolate Milk, which he records in his basement in Essex County, New Jersey