When we think of love, we think of all the beautiful things.
It’s warm, it helps you grow, it protects, yet it gives you an outlet to channel the kindness in your heart and the good intention you hold dear.
I experienced love a little bit differently--we all do, but I want to let myself be honest about how the beautiful things don’t always happen. Love is rooted in the heart, and heart is lit by honesty. When the heart is dimmed, I feel the need to light it up.
I had a tough relationship in the past years — holding onto my foolish faith that it would last and giving it my all until I was exhausted and realized there was nothing more I could give to actually make it last. It was all the walls he built and I was fooling myself thinking I was helping him built the house while he was actually reinforcing obstructions after obstructions. It went on for years until I realized I was so busy building for him that I abandoned what was mine. I was always worried, always sick, always in pain — I literally had to roll slowly to get up from bed while my stomach convulsed and pain pulsed all over my palms and arms every morning — all because I was never enough. And yet I was always convincing myself that seeing him having enough on his plate was enough reason to hold onto this love.
And only when I took a step back, I saw all the landmines he put and I stepped on. I saw how giving it all to this relationship was equivalent to putting all the eggs in one basket where the basket is not even in my possession. And I had to save what was left and decided that staying is harmful for me and him — all those years and I could not figure out why he put all the traps and kept turning his back. I left, believing that leaving him was the best option for both of us even though he did not opted for it, believing it was a selfish and selfless act of love all at once; giving him all the space to let someone who could help rebuild everything into his life and giving me all the space I needed to rest and heal.
Then I met another person who cared for me, the person who called me special and treated me so — until I saw that he was not taking care of himself right.That he was using me as an excuse and simultaneously had excuses held against me. And I knew right away this time; I did not have the intention in helping another person reinforce their own obstructions and think of it as an act of love. And this time it needed no convincing and believing; it was a conviction.
Some lessons in life are learnt by taking a step back and falling. Some things in life are so desirable, it could be the sugar-sprinkled doughnut to your diabetes. Sometimes, love is the courage to take different paths.
I believe love is its own essence; we are the ones who mix it up with everything else and make it what we want. We are the ones who make the definitions and interpretations. We are the ones that labels it with both security and vulnerability.
After all this time, I still go on thinking that love is all the beautiful things. And when it comes to love, I will always come to the crossing where it is either giving it all or giving it up.
