The Times of an Over Zealous Teendult Whose Worries Are The Dreams of Nightmares
[Let me start by saying that I love/hate writing, but please bare with me while I write down everything I am thinking about while I am in this panic attack/intense thought process scenario]
October 10th, 2016:
I feel like I’m always looking for inspiration. In movies. In painting. In friends. In school, work, experiences. I think I spend the majority of my time wondering if I’ll ever feel accomplished. If I’ll ever feel a true relaxed happiness. If I’ll ever feel alive. Every now and again I get glimpses of what that is, but it’s maddening. To think that people can just binge drink and smoke their whole lives without ever having truly lived life or lived up to their potential. It’s absolutely maddening. Most of the time I can control this madness, this incessant need to question myself and worry about the future, but then on nights where my anxiety consumes my brain and I can’t even swim in the sea of my worries is when I feel like death would be sweeter. Life is nothing but the yo-yo-ing of spiritual energy. In any one moment, one can feel good, even great, but all it takes is a small fraction of an experience to overturn those feelings and then BAM, you’re on the other side of the emotion spectrum. But I’ve learned that if I just let my mind become consumed with these thoughts and fear these changes than I will eventually die or just go bat shit crazy. I mean don’t we all go bat shit crazy eventually? And I’m not scared of death, but I want to be gone from this world knowing that I’ve given my all trying to live this life. My definition of “living my life” varies, but I guess for the sake of this post it can be interpreted as success or helping people in need, but essentially I just want to live my life knowing that I can achieve more than just those glimpses of true transcendental glory.
A few things come to mind when I take myself out of my current situation and reflect: 1) Mental health is one of those things people take for granted and regardless of where you come from you, or even who you are, the mind can only take so much. 2) I am truly fucking stronger than I let myself believe. I don’t like to talk about my past and where I’ve come from, but when I reflect and actually give myself credit, I am strong. I might not always seem like it or feel like it in the short-term, but in the long-term I am. 100%. 3) Just like the lengths of these panic attacks, happiness is truly fleeting, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth attaining. At the same time, happiness shouldn’t be the only goal. Self growth and understanding should be the goal. 4) Whoever started the mentality that mental illness and mental health are not real obviously has the most problems because I’m pretty sure every fucking person has had an inner battle. 5) I’m not afraid to admit that I hate myself sometimes and I am hypercritical, but I find it healthy for me to feel this way sometimes.
Now I’m going to describe to you what I’m feeling (I’m going to make it sound more f:
My breathing gets faster, and my heart beat increases so much that I can hear the blood moving through the valves. And my eyes become hyperfocused on a spot in the corner of the room. The walls give off a really disgusting vibe and the lighting feels like it’s starting to eat at the barrier of my mind. The bed I am lying on is slowly consuming me and the room starts to get smaller. I attempt to think of happy thoughts, but they instantly become horrified versions of reality. I can feel the hairs on my skin rise and I instantly become aware of every pixel in my eyesight. I am anxious and I tell myself “anxiety is not as scary as I think, it’s just a gift that has yet to be understood or unlocked.” I feel scared. I feel scared of tomorrow, right now, and the future. I question everything, food tastes horrible. I am utterly disgusted by everything and everyone. I want to cry. I do cry. My brain feels like it’s on fire and I can’t do anything to stop it. Sometimes I run water under my hair just because I like the feeling of the little drops and the speed of the water as it hits my head. But that feeling only feels temporary and eventually I feel ugly and scared. The worst feeling I have ever felt is one time I felt like my skin was crawling away and I wanted to die. I wanted it to end, but I ended up getting dressed and going to the gym to play volleyball and eventually I was fine.
It is times like this where I stop, assess, and ask myself “Do I need to be worrying about this? Why am I worrying? Can I control it?”
I think the one thing that really plagues me in my current life is how people communicate with one another. I am really keen on social cues and body language and really intuitive to reading how people express themselves when they don’t want to express themselves. Or when people try and hide what they are feeling. Because in those instances, I think you get a real picture of what and how people truly are. For the longest time, I never thought I had anxiety, but I recall having insomnia and feeling really scared to sleep as a child. I’ve always had this insane pressure on myself to do as well as the others, to be as good if not better, to do great, but I never pat myself on the back, give credit to my hard work, and hustle. I just critique and critique. END
