Not a Real Girl

I don’t know how to start. I don’t have any words. I want to cry but I can’t feel my body. Vocal crying noises are the closest I can get. I’m telling myself to stop being so dramatic- if I can’t feel any pain then what’s the big deal? How was it wrong if it didn’t hurt? It’s not abuse because I should have jumped up and fought back instead of leaving my body. 

Fuck, I abandoned my body again, I left it there defenseless, just as everybody’s always done to me. I didn’t want to feel what was about to happen so I consciously chose to leave. To stop feeling anything and be just a lifeless body, an object, to be used as a fleshlight.

And it was right after I'd opened up and was vulnerable! Right after I specifically talked about being treated like an object while I was growing up, instead of as a person. 

That's me, the human fleshlight. Pour on the lube and you won't even notice I'm not a real girl.