Are These People About To Get In A Car Accident? An Exploration

You know the feeling well. Our protagonist is speeding through a dusty country road filled with twists and turns, the wind is blowing through his hair, not a care in the world. You start to think, “man, we’ve been in this car with him for a while. Where could this scene be leading?” And it hits you. Aw, no, man. He’s gonna get in an accident. Suddenly — the sound of a terrible crash explodes off the screen at an ear-shattering decibel (because it’s one of those horribly-mixed movies where all the dialogue is whisper-level and the sound effects are IMAX-showing-of-Dunkirk-level). Yep. He crashed. And you knew it, didn’t you?
Sucks. I liked him. And now he’s dead. “I hope I don’t see more car crashes in movies in the future,” you think. But you know you will. How can we prepare for all the mangled car wrecks ahead of us, you may wonder? Well, friends, I’ve done you a solid and compiled a list of things that will happen right before an accident. Stay vigilant.
- How loud is the music playing in the car?
Too loud and you’re toast. Damn teens. Didn’t momma ever tell you about the dangers of grooving while driving?

2. Exactly how long have we been watching this scene?
Any longer than 30 seconds and it’s lights out. The longer the scene, the more devastating the crash.

3. Do they keep cutting to a shot from behind the driver out the front windshield?
Yeah, that super disconcerting one? The one that makes you want to look away even though nothing’s technically happening? They want you to see this carnage in all its disgusting glory. Brace yourself.
4. Is someone distractedly on the phone?
Just when you think the biggest drama on your screen is Miles Teller’s passion for jazz, you’re watching him scream to some poor nerd on the phone and thinking — this could get worse very very soon. And it does.

Bonus points if its a call with Mom.

5. Was there a very tender moment with a loved one just before they got in the car?
You see, it’s the last time we’re seeing him/her alive. Usually it’ll be a very sweet but otherwise unprofound moment… maybe a gentle ribbing about buying smooth peanut butter at the store, please, not chunky like last time, it gets stuck in my teeth.. then she’s off to the grocery.. and boom.

But at least this means we get Barbra slaying grief-music scene.
6. Is this a Quentin Tarantino movie?
Sorry. Y’all are goners. Kurt Russell is pissed.

7. Did it totally take you by surprise and did you embarrassingly scream in the theater? It’s probably because they did none of the above.
Filmmakers, take a page from the Paul Thomas Anderson Guide of Unexpected Crashes, chapter one of which is Punch Drunk Love. On a silent early morning in the San Fernando valley, a car inexplicably, almost miraculously, flips itself in front of our hero Adam Sandler and in turn further cements my own hatred of loud noises mixed with surprises.
Or who could have seen Magnolia’s cause-of-crash coming, which was thousands of frogs falling from the sky? I didn’t read the bible! How am I supposed to predict this? You got me again PTA. But again, you always had me.

