Jan.23.2014 was a day that changed my perspective on the value of relationships. my world became engulfed in hues of blue and everything appeared a bit hazier. It was an apocalypse I was anything but prepared for. The demise of our 5-year relationship came in the form of an email with a word count just shy of 1000. I must have read it a million times, analyzing and over analyzing every word until I was able to make sense of the world that was caving in around me. Most people would agree that this is a cowards approach to ending a relationship. You would think that after that long of a commitment he would have enough respect to allow me a two way conversation. This is the reason why I usually stay away from creating close bonds with people, no matter how close you think you are to someone there always comes a time when they walk out of your life. It seems to have become a routine in my life that grows more profound as the years pass. Sometimes you have to save your own heart, because the people you cannot imagine living without, can actually live without you.

In the last few months I had felt quite uneasy, I knew it was just a matter of time. I fell for the constant reassurance that I wasn’t just a college girlfriend, or that we would actually stay together after he moved. Just to find out it was his escape. Surely I had to know that it wouldn’t last forever. But I was young, naive, and so in love. I guess the Universe decided it was time for my wake up call. Part of the reason why I was so blindsided and devastated by the way things fell apart was because I was deeply entrenched in all of my expectations. I had a picture of my future and I wasn’t open to any other outcome. My inability to let go of this picture kept me closed off to more promising possibilities. I’ve had a difficult time building new relationships. I guess I was foolish enough to believe I was one of the lucky few that found the person I wanted to spend my life with the first time around. But it’s true what they say, ya know; NOTHING lasts forever.

The first thing he taught me was how to love, and the actual meaning of it. The idea of love has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. We usually confuse the act of falling in love with being something that you find in another person. Whether it is through the ability to share intimate conversations, a mutual respect in terms of spirituality, or stemming from pure sexual gratification. We usually give credit to the other person for “giving” us love because they make you feel special, make you happy, make you feel complete. I finally understand that love comes from within myself; it is something that resides within us all. What we are really seeking is a catalyst that allows us to see that those emotions are already within us. Pain happens when we attribute love as being “to” this other person. Someone once told me I was a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that is why I was in so much pain.

The last thing he taught me was maturity, because maturity comes when you stop trying to find ways to get the person back, and start trying to understand their situation. I guess you know you truly love someone when you can’t hate them for breaking your heart. Over time relationships will either strengthen or grow apart. Now, just because we grew apart doesn’t mean that either of us were wrong or did anything bad, but rather that we’ve learned everything we could from the other person. Even though we are no longer together I have found that my love for him has not subsided. I still strive for his happiness, which is why my absence is the greatest gift I could give him. I guess my point here is you know you have matured when you are able to let the person you love go without animosity.

I could have stayed and fought, but that was a battle I was tried of losing. Now I am left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and worst of all a bruised ego. But my heart is broken in the most beautiful way possible, because somewhere along this journey I have changed. I have become stronger, wiser, and more mature. I have grown closer to God, closer then I have ever been. Today, I live my life according to His plan.

He will always be apart of my story, he wont be my happy ending, but somewhere in between. He will always be the one that got away. The heartbreak kid.
Lesson learned.