There Is No One Way To Get Off
Lessons on self-pleasure.
Some of the most invaluable lessons I have learned through my work as an adult retail worker, sex educator, and sex blogger have come from glimpses into the usually heavily guarded realm of others’ sexual lives. In a society that often jealously hides sexuality as private and shameful, it’s a rare opportunity indeed. Today, I’d like to highlight some of these lessons, particularly the ones on self-pleasure.
When we do not receive pleasure inclusive sex education, it is fairly easy to assume that there isn’t much to masturbation.
For example, I spent the longest time assuming that masturbation was how I experienced it: focused on the clitoris, with a specific kind of movement, and mostly for the relief of stress and anxiety more than for the purpose of pleasure. Without other examples, the idea that there were other ways was hardly intuitive.
It didn’t help that the shame and lack of pleasure-focused sex education I received in my younger years meant I was somewhat scared of my body. I had found a way to squeeze out some sort of pleasure — why look farther? Why explore?
Now not everyone has this experience. My manager at the first adult retail store I worked at had explored her body and sexuality from a young age, in spite — and almost in defiance — of a lack of sex education. But I have also met women older than myself who don’t know what or where the clitoris is.
Though some of these individuals definitely land on the more asexual spectrum — they may not like or feel interest in sexual pleasure, which is entirely normal despite what we may be told — in many cases it’s been a matter of not knowing, and therefore not considering, that there may be more.
The first time I heard people talking about their own pleasure was on the floor of an adult retail store. People would come and tell their vulnerable desires and anxieties to me, a complete stranger. These conversations encompassed everything from finding a vibrator to giving in-depth anatomy lessons to de-stigmatizing specific cravings to even providing relationship advice. I learned as much from them as they did from me. It was hard work that inspired me and eventually lead me to the sex bloggers and reviewers community that I have become a part of.
As a part of this community, I’ve been privy to many friends’ journeys as they explore their gender and sexuality. I’ve seen friends discover their A-Spot, learn how to squirt, and work their way up to penetrative toys. I’ve also been able to have casual conversations around self pleasure, something I’ve never experienced outside of teenaged jokes.
These casual conversations have caused some of my own shame around masturbation to loosen it’s grip on my consciousness.
As a result, I have become more comfortable with the concept of exploration and allowed myself to examine my body and methods. I’ve learned to communicate my pleasure, not only to myself but to others. Finding these additional ways to describe how my body feels has even made it easier to dictate to a partner what I do and don’t like.
Going forward, I ask you to do one thing: communicate. Start with your own body — believe me, it has a lot to say — and move from there. Speak with partners and friends, casually, about pleasure. The more you speak, the more you know — from your own words, and the words of others.
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Caitlin Murphy is a sexuality professional, writer, consultant and occasional visual artist currently residing in Philadelphia, PA, when they’re not traveling. Among other honors, they were once referred to as a Level 5 Glitter Elemental. When they’re not writing or teaching about sex toys, Caitlin can generally be found with their plants — #PlantParenthood — as well as at www.sex-ational.com and @sex_ational.
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