What’s a Squish?
Hint: It will completely change how you talk about its cousin, the “crush.”
A squish is kind of like a crush, but platonic. Non-sexual, non-romantic, yet you get those butterflies and excitement when you’re talking to that person.
You look forward to seeing them and seek them out. You glow when you think about them, but as ‘just a friend.’
I explained to my partner, “It’s like New Relationship Energy, NRE, but without the sexual and romantic connotations.” My partner’s eyes lit up, an expression of excitement and understanding washing over his face.
“That is such a good word!”
Although my partner and I have a lot of conversations like these — English is not his first language, and we often talk about linguistics and quirky vocabulary — this word goes beyond linguistic nerdery. It’s a powerful relationship tool.
Being able to boil down a feeling or thought to one or two words rather than a sentence or even paragraph allows people to understand what we mean more efficiently. It’s why Inuits have many words for snow: because different kinds of snow impact their daily life in different ways.
“Squish” allows me and others who use it to more easily express their feelings about a person. I no longer have to clumsily try to explain that despite the butterflies said person may evoke, I’m not interested in them sexually or romantically. It provides a quick shorthand to what is, for me, a very complex feeling. For example, having it allows me to open a conversation with my partner about how I feel about a friend without the potential of making him feel anxious that I’m romantically interested in someone else — we don’t see other people romantically or sexually — before I can fully explain that.
Personally, I find it important to have close, emotionally supportive bonds with people who are “just” friends. I enjoy being able to put non-sexual, non-romantic relationships with people of a variety of genders, ages, and sexualities — even people I may find attractive — on a similar level as my romantic relationships.
But this can be difficult. Our current social prioritization of romantic relationships and partnerships, especially those that lead to marriage and reproduction, doesn’t leave a lot of space for relationships outside of the escalator. This means that if someone you like is not compatible with you for a “serious relationship” that leads to marriage or some other form of “serious commitment,” they get discarded. Though we shouldn’t pressure ourselves to keep every person that doesn’t work out in some way or another in our lives, there should be more room for friendships and non-sexual, non-romantic intimacy.
Conceptualizing squishes allows me the space to not pressure it to be something more — a common symptom of the relationship escalator. If you like someone and like being around them, it means you should be together, right?
Personally I believe no, not necessarily. This is why having space for squishes — which are exhilarating and fun, just like their cousin, the crush —ends up being really healthy and positive for both me and my relationship. It allows them to be light, and can alleviate the common anxiety that can arise in response to being excited about someone that is not your romantic partner. I, in turn, have the space to feel comfortable with my excitement for a person within my consciously chosen monogamous relationship structure. And having those doses of NRE without it being a “threat” to my relationship can give a much-welcomed boost.
Ultimately, squishes are fun, and fun is something we could all use some more of in our lives and our relationships, romantic or not.
Caitlin Murphy is a sexuality professional, writer, consultant and occasional visual artist currently residing in Philadelphia, PA, when they’re not traveling. Among other honors, they were once referred to as a Level 5 Glitter Elemental. When they’re not writing or teaching about sex toys, Caitlin can generally be found with their plants — #PlantParenthood — as well as at www.sex-ational.com and @sex_ational.
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