What It’s Like to be Trapped in Your Own Brain
I have learned to love again, sort of. I have learned to speak out and seek what is necessary for survival. I have learned to find emotion and passion in the things I do; but I’m not there yet.
You may be wondering where there is. To be honest with you, I’m not even sure.
I was hurt as a child; a young adult really. By someone who I trusted with my deepest and darkest secrets. However- ironically enough, he became my deepest, darkest secret. My life seems to be a cliche, but aren’t all of our lives?
I’ve come far enough to see what was wrong. I’ve escaped him and realized that nothing that happened was okay. But I can’t escape the memories; I can’t escape the pain. I run and run until I’m out of breath, crying on the floor, begging the lord for strength to be able to pick myself up. Three years later I find myself lying in my now-boyfriends bed shaking uncontrollably, tears pooling in my eyes. He knows I’ve been hurt, that I’ve been used, taken advantage of, harassed, manipulated- but there is nothing he can do.
I sit in his bed staring blankly at the wall. I can feel myself screaming on the inside. My brain is crying out; asking for help. Pleading guilty to all its crimes and wishing justice would prevail for the one that was committed against it. I can feel the weight on my shoulders, pushing down and it wouldn’t matter how many times I went to the gym, I couldn’t pull it off.
When I close my eyes I can picture myself laying on the bed, tears in my eyes, wanting nothing more than to go home and confess my sins. I was not safe there. I thought I was safe with him, I thought I could trust him; but man, was I wrong.
And now, now I’m not even safe inside my own head.
You want to know where there is don’t you? Well it’s probably different for you, but there is where I am at peace with my mind.
I lie in the field, in the evening when the sun is just setting. It begins to get cold, but my body lies upon a blanket. I’m surrounded by wheat, and peace. I’m at home, and he’s not there, the memories aren’t there, I am alone. I close my eyes and I can see there is no longer a cage around my brain. I am free like a bird to do as I wish. And I am no longer concealed to feel or act a certain way. The concrete has been lifted off my shoulders, I can love the people worthy of my love, I can breathe and I no longer have to run. I am safe, I am at home.
But unfortunately, I am not there. I am not safe, none of us are. Not when our biggest fear is fear itself. Contained in an organ living within you.
That’s what it’s like to be trapped in your own brain.