2015 in Retrospect: Healing

Over the past year I managed to graduate from Colorado Mountain College with an associates in Professional Photography, turn 22 years old, experience Burning Man for the second time, orchestrate my own radio show, and hold down a decent job for a year. I started to feel slightly accomplished, as if being an adult was manageable at last, but it has been a rollercoaster. In 2015 I also lost and regained my inspiration towards my art several times, lost most of my close friends, became suffocatingly dependent on my significant other, totaled my car and completely destroyed my own self esteem causing several major mental breaks. Thats the short hand, anyways.

I have discovered, in my 20/20 hindsight, that the decisions I made this last year were based mainly on residual fear from my past experiences rather than rational forethought. What this means is that instead of learning my lessons and carrying the acquired knowledge into the next stage of my life, I have been storing up memories of past experiences and using traumas as my moral compass. The lessons often got thrown out entirely. This has allowed me to manifest many of the same emotional scenarios I experienced in previous years, with so many moments of deja vu this year that it is hard to say for sure if I grew much as a person between being 21 and 22 years old.

The decisions I made that were not based on the past were based largely on the perceived needs of others, who I felt I should care for. Sometimes these decisions were beneficial for both myself and another person and at times they were incredibly draining and seemed to serve no one at all. Needless to say, I need to work endlessly on my own emotional and mental stability this year and focus a little less on trying to fix things for people around me because the result is that I neglect my own needs.

I have been researching being an empath and begun to identify with this trait. I am told I have an ENFP (Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception) personality, though I try not to fully indulge these archetypes. I feel the emotional pains of other people and take them on as my own at times. I am also very easily manipulated to believe that my efforts are selfish when they were intended to be selfless. This has started to drain me and caused me to stray from past friendships and isolate myself in order to hold my own space.

I am straddling the line between introvert and extrovert so well that I can never decide whether I am making healthy decisions for myself, or if I am basing them on what I think others will enjoy. This trick has diluted many experiences I have had this year and is a habit among many that I don’t plan to perpetuate into 2016.

Along the way I found that in order to self motivate, to move my life forward, I must be incredibly self aware and find a way to control my emotions. I am still in the process of that and think I will be for a long time to come, but I have decided that this healing process is no one’s responsibility but my own.

I will no longer accept the idea that my emotional sensitivity is my biggest flaw and should be sheltered and protected in order to make others comfortable. I won’t let myself be fooled into letting my flaws destroy my strengths anymore. It is time I decided what I want out of this life and find my avenues to go and get it. Now I will make my decisions based on my own comfort and need rather than that of others who do not appreciate my sacrifices. I am tired of being weak and feeling worthless. I am wasting my time and my talents believing that I can not adequately provide for myself and create a beautiful reality around me.

In a more concrete manor, this looks like entirely being sober in order to utilize my brain function and repair damage done to my body and mind. It also looks like quitting smoking, exercising, finding a new place to live and a new job that fulfills my aspirations. It means going back to school and seeking the things that inspire me to create beautiful photographs and videos. It means putting myself out there and seeking a community of artists and writers for support. I have big plans to get myself back on track, enjoy being alone, and make more art in order to keep what is left of my sanity and improve my damaged self esteem.

This is not meant to be an ego stroking piece of writing nor is it a cry for help. I needed to verbalize this process in order to fully take it in and can only hope it resonated with at least one other person. Now it is time that I get to work and rediscover what I love this year.

At the end, I have no one to blame for the state that I am in but myself, nor do I have any desire to pass the blame. I am back on the rise, licking my self inflicted wounds and allowing time to heal.

“I’m no longer accepting the things I can not change, I’m changing the things I can not accept” -Angela Davis