This morning was my first cry before work after having Layla. That doesn’t count the moment I realized it was time to go back to work from maternity leave, but it’s the first time I cried on my way to the office in my car. I’ve only been back a week and I’m surprised I lasted this long…
I could tell that I was feeling “off” as soon as I woke up today, but I thought I had just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Layla had slept 7 hours straight and 8 hours straight the night before so I knew I was caught up on some needed sleep. I got in the shower and stood under the water to wake up just as I do every morning. I fixed my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee as soon as I got out (it’s my favorite) and added my French vanilla creamer that always puts me in the best mood. I made Layla’s bottle because she was due to wake up at anytime to eat and I wanted it to be ready once she got up.
She slept all the way until my mom arrived to keep her for the day so she was able to feed her once I left. I kissed Layla goodbye, I got in the car and turned on the music. Most mornings I listen to today’s hits or 104.7 but this morning I kept it on whatever station it was on from the night before. About half way to work, I felt the wave of emotion just hit me. My eyes filled with tears and I just knew I was going to ruin my mascara and look like a raccoon. It was at that moment that I took a second to realize that I missed my baby SO MUCH. I knew she was in good hands and I was not feeling worried, I just wanted to hold her so badly.
Almost to the office, I turned my car around and let my so wonderfully understanding boss know that I would be working from the house today. Luckily, I have the best boss who knows how life can be. I am always so thankful that I have a job flexible enough to take home with me, especially when life doesn’t care that it’s a work day.
I walked in the door and there Layla was, laying on my mom’s chest, enjoying her morning like I knew she would be. My mom just smiled because she knew I needed Layla and that I was having a rough morning. I asked her to stay because I was sure that I would hold Layla all day long and not get anything done if she left. Of course, she agreed to stay and listened to me vent about my emotions getting the best of me on my ride to work.
I’ve never been one to hide my emotions and having a baby hasn’t made that any different. I’m more emotional than ever. I know… poor Joey. I guess you could say that I’m battling some “baby blues”. Since Layla was born, I don’t really feel like I’ve had much time to just look around and appreciate each moment. Between sleepless nights, her tummy issues, 10 days at children’s hospital, and anticipating going back to work, I didn’t get to put as much focus on the sweet moments. Now that things with her are more “normal” and we are all resting better, I’m really sad I don’t get to see her all day, every day.
I guess that’s part of it though. It’s just another phase of life and you have to hold on to each moment while you can. I’m not complaining that I have to work, because I enjoy my job. Of course there are parts that aren’t always easy but I feel like I do a good job and that really matters to me. Besides, I take pride in being an ambitious woman that Layla and Joey can be proud of. I also like to know that us having a second income helps to save for the dance classes or piano lessons Layla may be interested in one day. But that’s not to say that I don’t envy stay at home moms, because I am jealous of the extra time they get with their babies.
These emotions hit me like waves and can feel like they are going to knock me down at times, but I certainly will not let them. I have such a great support system and such a strong faith in God that I know I’ll be just fine.
I kissed Layla a little more than usual and played with her in the bath (that she loves so much) longer than I normally do tonight. I snuggled her while I wrote this just so I didn’t have to put her to bed just yet. I’m making a promise to myself that I won’t let the little moments slide by me because I’ve already seen in the last twelve weeks that they can without you noticing. And I’m not going to be afraid to “hold her too much” because one day she won’t want me to anymore.
So here’s to the “baby blues” that are making this whole mom adventure a little more interesting. We’ll try again tomorrow. 😘
