Breaking News — Assad Now Sporting Tiny Mustache, Wants To Invade Poland

The New York Times, which recently reported that the Assad government is using incinerators and death camps in a way that has caused officials to “draw parallels to Nazi Germany,” is now reporting that the Syrian leader has adopted a toothbrush mustache and is planning to invade the nation of Poland.

“War is scary and Assad keeps screaming at us in German,” reports senior Syrian war correspondent, seven year-old Bana Alabed. “Please to regime change now, goo goo, ga ga.”

The Trump administration has indicated that the time is hastily approaching for a full-scale humanitarian invasion of Syria to stop the tyrant Assad from directing an aggressive expansionist military campaign fueled by anti-Semitic demagoguery and white supremacy.

“These new developments indicate that action is urgently needed to rescue the Syrian people from this despotic regime and bring them the gift of a robust fossil fuel resource policy with the western world,” said American ambassador to the United Nations Nikki R. Haley, adding that “these people are in desperate need of food, clothing and cluster munitions.”

“This new development is highly disturbing,” wrote Arizona Senator John McCain in a statement released this morning on today’s revelations. “Now is unquestionably the time to take direct, aggressive action against Syria, Russia, North Korea, Brazil, New Zealand, all those other countries, Mars, Andromeda, and wherever it is the Smurfs live.”

“I would like to second whatever Senator McCain said today,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “By the way, has he mentioned me lately do you know?”

Sources are also now reporting that the entire surface area of the nation of Syria is completely covered in dead babies. We will continue to bring you more breaking updates on this important story as quickly as we can make them up.

— — —

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, please consider helping me out by sharing it around, liking me on Facebook, following me on Twitter, or even tossing me some money on Patreon so I can keep this gig up.

Like what you read? Give Caitlin Johnstone a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.