If Every Debate About US Interventionism Was About Godzilla Instead
Person A: Wow, things are looking really bad in Venezuela right now.
Person B: Yeah.
Person A: All that poverty and unrest!
Person B: I know, it’s terrible.
Person A: You know what we should do?
Person B: Please don’t say send in Godzilla.
Person A: What? Why not??
Person B: Because he always makes things worse! You know that! Every time we send in Godzilla to try and solve problems in the world, he just ends up trampling all over the city, knocking down buildings and killing thousands of people with his atomic heat beam.
Person A: Maybe this time would be different though!
Person B: Why in God’s name would this time be different?? You said it would be different in Iraq, in Libya, in Syria. What happened there?
Person A: He trampled all over the cities, knocked down the buildings and killed people with his atomic heat beam.
Person B: Exactly! So what makes you think sending in Godzilla would be any different this time?
Person A: Well we can’t just do nothing!
Person B: Dude, doing nothing would be infinitely better than sending in Godzilla to do the thing he literally always does.
Person A: Hey, inaction has consequences too you know! You probably don’t even talk to Venezuelans. My brother’s co-worker’s dentist is Venezuelan, and he says a Godzilla rampage is just what they need. You should listen to Venezuelans.
Person B: No matter how many Venezuelans I talk to, it will still be an indisputable fact that Godzilla rampages are always disastrous and always make things worse.
Person A: Why are you such a Maduro apologist?
Person B: What?!? I’m not a Maduro apologist! This has nothing to do with Maduro. I just remember what Godzilla is and the things he always does when we summon him up from the bottom of the sea to try and solve problems.
Person A: Look, I understand that Godzilla has made a mess of things in the past, that doesn’t mean you have to go around supporting Maduro.
Person B: I don’t support Maduro! Why do you always do this?? With Iraq you called me a Saddam apologist, with Libya you called me a Gaddafi supporter, with Syria I was an Assadist, and all I’m saying is that Godzilla is a giant nuclear monster that destroys everything in its path!
Person A: So I guess you just don’t care about the people of Venezuela then.
Person B: Of course I care about the people of Venezuela! That’s why I don’t want them to be trampled to death beneath the feet of a destructive nuclear behemoth!
Person A: Yeah but Venezuela is in dire straits right now. It’s not like sending in Godzilla could make things any worse.
Person B: Sending in Godzilla can definitely make things worse! Are you kidding me?? Have you seen Libya lately?
Person A: Oh, right, everything was so perfect in Libya before we sent in Godzilla to kill Gaddafi, I forgot. It was a perfect utopian paradise!
Person B: Nobody’s saying Libya was perfect under Gaddafi, but it was a hell of a lot better before Godzilla went on a chaotic rampage trampling and burning everything in sight. Now it’s a lawless humanitarian disaster!
Person A: You’re just a Godzilla-hating, Maduro-loving socialist.
Person B: This isn’t about socialism. It’s an established fact that sending in Godzilla literally always makes things worse and literally never makes things better. The only reason you keep shifting between straw man arguments and ad hominem attacks is because you know you’ve got no case. All you can do is keep calling me a Maduro supporter, saying I don’t care about the Venezuelan people, and saying it’s because I love socialism, when you know damn well I’m telling it like it is. Honestly, what do you think happens when we send in Godzilla again? Do you think he’s just going to be a cuddly wuddly nice guy all of a sudden and start solving problems with surgical precision?
Person A: Uhh… maybe?
Person B: He won’t! He never will! You keep hoping it will be different and it never, ever is! How do you keep making this same stupid mistake over and over again??
Person A: Well the TV told me this time it’s different.
Person B: They tell you that every time! It’s a narrative advanced by Godzilla rampage profiteers!
Person A: Hey, maybe it won’t even come to that. Maybe Mothra can sort of gently blow Maduro out?
Person B: Mothra hurts civilians too!
Person A: Nuh-uh. Her wind gusts are laser-targeted to solely affect Maduro and Venezuelan oligarchs.
Person B: That’s not even true! Anyway what happens when Mothra starts killing civilians?
Person A: Nothing a bit of Godzilla couldn’t fix.
Person B: Of course. Awesome. Excuse me, I need to go slam my head in the car door.
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