SoloRogo: a few comments about doing shit by yourself.
I try pretty hard not to force my beliefs and priorities onto others, but if there’s ONE thing I wish I COULD force people to do it would be do something alone.
Anything. Pick a thing. Do it alone. Better yet, do alone stuff kind of often, too, not just once! Whether it’s solo dinner with a book, solo travel, solo movie-going, solo hiking, taking a craft class alone, etc. There’s irreplaceable value in feeling self-empowered to do what you want, when you want without being dependent upon others or limited by external perceptions.
This article says a lot about how our culture breeds the necessity of finding some alone time after being overly sensitized by external motivators and stimuli.
“Being alone with your mind, however, is one of the best things for your soul.”
When I’ve tried to explain the whole aloneness thing to people lately, I’ve been met with comments like “but I thought you were an extrovert!” or “are you an introvert?” and “why do you hate people!” All of that is irrelevant, possibly true, and just exhausting to have to counter time and time again. If we were all to continue barreling through life, trying to collect metaphorical Pokeman or Monopoly dollars at every possible juncture, we’d turn into a gigantic community of savages chasing an externally determined and pre-defined image of happiness and success. And we all know that’s just WRONG.
I can’t tell you how much happier I am when I find time to do the alone things, and how important those memories are to me. Would I go as far as to say that I am my own best friend? Yeah dawg, I might. You go, Rogo.
That mid-week, evening hike on Billy Goat to break in my boots: awesome. Did I get lost (twice) on a trail I’ve done multiple times? Absolutely. Was it hysterical but semi frightening at the same time? 100%. Driving through Ireland for 8 days on the opposite side of the road through fierce winds with a broken GPS? Fucking fantastic. Telling a waitress to politely shove off when she tries to fill a second glass of water when you have zero intentions of allowing anyone else to sit at your table? Powerful. Going to a movie on Saturday night and maybe crying (a lot) at Blake Lively’s rendition of Adaline? Not even a little weird.
I don’t think people realize how you close yourself off when you’re with other people. It’s probably inadvertently happening, but if you take those same situations and add in other people they become totally different experiences. At the movie, I’d be trying to hold back tears so a friend or a date wouldn’t get freaked out. At dinner, I’d be focused on the other people at the table and responding to the flow of conversation at a pace that requires immediate thought and opinion instead of deep, quiet thinking. In Ireland, I might have given up the reigns when the going got tough, instead of earning a badge of self-reliant honor while trying not 1 but 3 bars in town before stumbling upon a corner flower shop who did, in fact, have Wifi that I could use to find my next route (bless). And the hike? I definitely wouldn’t have gotten lost like a total dweeb, but then it would have been pretty monotonous and predictable, when instead I was able to discover a few poison-ivy free areas of *wild* forest. Yippee.
A funny thing too that I’ve noticed is the inability to sit in silence in a public or group setting. The other day I was in a waiting room before an appointment and didn’t feel like zombie-scrolling through my phone or reading a magazine. So I just sat there and thought about some stuff (having some “stuff” to think about, I welcome these moments any chance I get). How often do you just sit around and think without the TV playing, Spotify on, the fire alarm going off while you’re trying to sautee some fish, answering emails and texts, or all of that combined? Well, I could tell that having some weird girl sitting and staring dead pan out into the room was a little odd for the receptionist, because he tried a few times to make conversation. Every time he did, it would interrupt some grand master plan I was trying to construct from thin air using just my brainwaves like a little frail spiderweb trying to catch the bugs of the future. Without time alone, both at home but also out and about with the opportunity to be inspired and embraced by my surroundings, I fear the kind of Rogobot clone I’d become.
It’s alone time. It’s quiet time. It’s moments and experiences that push your boundaries that almost beg you to ask yourself questions about what you’ve done, who you’re becoming, and where you want to go. The same questions my colleagues and I try to instill in our projects in order to make sure we’re doing the best work and the right work for our clients can be applied when you take moments of pause in your every day.
Is this right? Why am I doing this? Why do I want to do that? What happens if I follow through with it? What happens if I don’t? If I had free reign, what would I do? What’s holding me back? Do I have to ask for permission or approval?
If you’re trying to answer these questions in the middle of rush hour while holding that overdue library book and blasting your Discover Weekly playlist in your ear, you’re not allowing yourself the opportunity to really get the bottom of the answers.
All of this to say, at the end of the day you’re always going to be alone. No matter how robust your friend group is, and even if you fall asleep and wake up next to the same person every night. You have to give yourself space to find you and be you before you forget who the you is. Wasn’t that sentence fun?
And you might be scoffing right now saying “I don’t know Caity, I have plenty of things going on, I’m not dependent on just one person.” You’re missing the point. It’s JUST YOU that I’m talking about! If you can’t know yourself, describe yourself, love yourself, get to know yourself, laugh at yourself, judge yourself, scold yourself, trust yourself (thanks Aleena), and praise yourself ALL BY YOURSELF without anyone else weighing in on the matter then run — don’t walk — to the nearest Alone By Myself 101 bootcamp. This is kind of a joke because a bootcamp probably involves other people…which is again…beside the point.
One time I had to answer the question “who inspires you?” for a work bio. At the time, I said “people who do creative things.” That’s actually still 100% true, but I’m now finding that I’m also watching for and inspired by the aloners. Not the loners. The aloners. I’m not impressed by the ones with the full social calendars, the long nights but impressive career track, or the double digit relationship anniversaries. All of those are great things — said with no sarcasm, I’m serious! But for me, for right now, they’re just not relateable. It’s the quirky ones, who might be doing something irrational by someone else’s standards, but who seem pretty damn happy about it in the process. Those are my people.
A moment to express how much I love and would die without the people in my life who are now, more than ever, always there for me anytime I need something or am spewing some weird ideas around about this and that. But what I think is pretty cool is the relationship between the more I find time to do things alone and the better I am becoming at creating deeper, impactful relationships with people around me. I feel like I’m more authentic in relationships and friendships as a result because I’m more comfortable with and confident in who I am. I feel like I have more to offer. I feel like I can own my opinions, my ideas, my priorities, and my path in a way that makes it easier to define clear connection points with others who have done the same on their side. It’s easier for me to be open and to show my deck of cards for what they are, instead of thinking that I need to cover up until I can trade off for something better. And when that happens, and when someone responds positively to what I’ve put out there, it’s so much more rewarding and fulfilling for me.
Getting a positive response because you did something you were supposed to do is easy. It’s not even that exciting. The feeling of satisfaction isn’t very long-lasting for me in that kind of scenario. But getting the same positive response after you’ve done something or become someone that you truly believe in — that’s when you know you’re building something authentic that you’ll be able to stand on when other things and people around you are crumbling.
I know a lot of people who do the alone thing in their own way, and I’m proud of my friends and family who put this line of thinking into practice, despite the initial discomfort and unknowns that come along with it. As some might say: do it, and do it often. Just be safe and don’t die in the process. Like solo free camping next to a creepy old man with a cat on a leash and a head lamp.
Heed the signs, people.
Listening: “Show Me Love” — Hundred Waters, Chance the Rapper
Reading: “The Opposite of Loneliness — Essays and Stories” by Marina Keegan
Watching: Jiro Dreams of Sushi (finally, I know.)
