“We don’t believe what’s on TV”
People have a lot of opinions.
Specifically, people have a lot of opinions about “work life balance,” and “having it all.” And in true Gemini fashion, I understand a lot of what people are saying about these topics. I do.
Yet, I’ll dive right in and say, as expected, that I disagree with most people.
A few years ago I read a seemingly fair summary of the two: “you can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once.” For a short period of time after that initial reading, I believed this statement and lived this truth. As a goal-oriented, sometimes competitive, go-getter, I lined up my wants, needs, and nice-to-haves, and neatly compartmentalized how I wanted to approach each item. Throughout this process I came to terms with the idea that I’d eventually get everything checked off, but that timing and sacrifice would be key players along the way.
Yet, sitting now on the ship of change, looking off the bow toward the horizons of the future, leaving behind me a discarded shell of disillusion, as one does, I’m willing to bet some people out there do have it all *at once*.
It’s really a game of labels and priorities. I’ve always said that if you really wanted to do or be something you would find everything in your power (and your friends’ powers, and your mom’s power, and your college professor’s power, etc.) to make it happen. I still believe this, which I’ve realized in turn means:
If you want to have it all at once, you simply can and shall with the right amount of oomf. Which is a very technical term for “effort and dedication.”
Put some elbow grease into it, damnit!
It’s not that there is some hidden wisdom you have to unlock to make this happen. IT’S NOT A SECRET. It’s just hard, for heaven’s sake!
First thing’s first: you have to boil your wants down to some simple shit. Brace yourselves: I’m not saying you should have a personal mission statement that sounds something like “I just want to be happy.” Get it together. It has to be a defined, actionable thing that you can take steps to achieve.
Take “I want to be proud of the work I do,” for example. Great! You can answer that question for yourself right now. Are you done? Awesome. It’s fine if your answer was no. Do not panic. You’re in the majority, especially if you’re under 38. That was an arbitrary age, but it feels right. Also, consider a cynicism check. Maybe you’re not proud of the bigger picture or the ultimate outcome, but are you proud of what you learned? Of a skill you developed? Answering questions about your own life is all about self-negotiation and bargaining. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.
Let’s talk about my favorite one: “I want to find love.” Also great! Surely everyone wants this to some degree. But this is a good example of making your wants specific. It’s easy to find love. What’s not easy is keeping it, growing it, defining it, learning to let it go, living after you’ve found it and lost it, etc. Be careful of what you wish for, and be conscious of your word choice, because you may get something or become something and then very quickly find out you were not prepared to receive or become it. Eight months later you’ll be all like “but I’m not married and now I’m single again and this sucks!” To which I’d say “yeah but you FOUND it, didn’t you?” And the you’ll tell me to shut up. Because I’m right. I’m always right.
It’s not really worth bombarding you with any more rules or steps or lists to help you figure this out. Perhaps that’s leaving you empty inside or unfulfilled because you thought checking off 7 empty boxes on a to-do list would make this easier. Sorry y’all! Sometimes you have to do less to be more.
But I will say this: just take a moment and write out your wants, your needs, your nice-to-haves. Seriously write them down! Text them to yourself, email that person who ignores the weird shit you say but loves you anyway, buy a composition notebook at CVS, paint a chalkboard wall in that apartment you’re paying too much rent for. THEN WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN. You have literally no excuse not to. Or scratch that, I’ll give you some so we can mutually agree that they’re not legit:
You don’t know what you want. Sweet, you might have some ideas. Remember seventh grade science? Trial and error? Hypotheses? Sure you do. Take a few educated guesses.
You’re afraid of what you want. Well hot damn if I had a dollar for every “if it doesn’t scare you it’s not big enough” quote I could pull right now. But you knew that already, so let’s move on.
What if it doesn’t happen and then I’m left disappointed. This we’ll have to come back to in a few years. I don’t have an answer for you just yet. And you know what? Sue me. I’m not a paid life guru and I have no contractual obligations stating that I know everything.
You probably have at least four and a half other easy excuses you’re rattling off right now. Something about costs, time, friends, family. Let it out! Maybe your first *step* is to write out your excuses. Whatever you do, write the stuff down, please. If you keep your thoughts in your own head, you aren’t owning them. If you say them out loud to anyone within a physical or virtual radius, you aren’t owning them. If this stuff doesn’t have a paper trail, if it’s not in a place where you can go back and revisit it, you aren’t owning it. It’s not yours. And if your wants, your needs, your nice-to-haves, and even your excuses aren’t truly *yours* then no, you won’t ever get them. Or get rid of them in some cases.
So it sounds like you’ve got some writing to do.
Cheers to having it all at once, or having whatever you want whenever you want it. Just decide, and own it.
Listening: “Dusty Trails” by Lucius on Spotify — the end though. The harmony.
Reading: “How to progress from a half to a full marathon.” via Runner’s World. Missed opportunity to add “without dying” to the end of the title, but what do I know.
Watching: Years behind (of course), I just finally watched the last 3 seasons of HIMYM. And with that, saw this lovely ukulele cover.
