“Where is my mind…”
Everyone talks about and prides themselves on that moment when they found themselves. When they stumbled upon a sense of familiarity with where they are going, and a validation of who they are. When the external and internal acceptances are aligned. But what I realized would be a little cooler, is if we talked about the moments and places where you lost yourself. And how often does that happen. How often should it happen. How often do you want it to happen? In fact, that’s what happened to me 52 weeks ago, but I didn’t understand it until I struggled over the past few days while trying to explain why this particularly trip a year ago won the label of “most important adventure of all [Caity Rogo] time.”
In a literal sense, it’s quite clear where I’ve found myself now. But mentally, and even existentially, I’d have to say I haven’t exactly landed yet, nor am I close to doing so. Nor am I even worried about it. The feeling of being untethered to things, places, people, even moments is what created the impetus to explore and to question. Despite not feeling 100% happy about everything over the past year, I’ve surprisingly and graciously felt confident and able to go completely all in regardless.
How I’ve been as a person and what I’ve done since November of 2015 is attributable to finding comfort and drive in a challenge, and being curious enough to find the opportunities to work hard. I’ve managed to either seek out or somehow magically acquire work that has been hard for my mind and my heart, as well as my body. Which has been a vital, balanced trifecta that’s helped me learn that mental challenges and emotional growth ultimately drive our physical limitations beyond their current barriers — something that I’m currently getting ready to test out in a whole new way. Believing in your own will to do something that you aren’t sure is going to turn out according to your plans or in your best interest is a leap of utter faith that we should all challenge ourselves to take, and support one another as we do so.
It’s with that idea that I’ve adopted an amateur anthem: go big or go bigger.
Sometimes I still go small. We all do. But I can affirm every time after doing so that it’s not me. It’s not who I want to be. And any time I allow myself to do a minimum, to take an easy path, to shirk accountability, I’m doing myself a disservice, and cashing in a little bit at the self-pride bank. And the thing about the self-pride bank is you don’t want to walk in with quarters and walk out with pennies, if you know what I mean. You do. You know. I can feel your eye rolls, guys! This makes sense.
All of this to say, a simple #TBT photo or two (or 20) of a random moment in Ireland that lacks context wouldn’t actually convey the true value of the experience. So now you have context with a bonus side of gibberish, which I threw in for free. Lucky you.
And because life is weird, I just found this random quote in my notes from a trip this summer up in Boston that also feels relevant:
“The thing was, as soon as I said I was ready, it was within a week’s time that it had all worked out.” — some random ass person on the street whom I was eavesdropping on. Naturally.
Listening: “Runaway Rogo Roadtrip” via lots of friend collaborations + Spotify
Reading: The Alchemist
Watching: I’m watching Scrubs for the very first time. I’m not going to lie to you or pretend like I’m doing something more important with my free time than I really am. 😐
