Listening to storm last night
The ceiling above adorned by a lattice of grey between two light sources in my little bedroom in South London, I leant back into the cloud of white pillows and duvet, head titled to the left.
I sobbed my heart out twenty minutes ago. I wanted to release the tension and stress I was holding. I kept on repeating ‘I am sorry that I let you down.’
Outside a northerly storm raged on, clutching a hot water bottle to my stomach, exhaustion and warmth to my middle soothed away the last bit of anxiety and shame. I smiled calmly, closing my eyes.
I don’t see why the act itself is something to be fearful of or to be ashamed of. It is extremely effective to manage anxiety it turns out.
Patience and forgiveness, two things I am learning to adopt into my life. I am not very nice to myself often. It is hard to pace my imagination against my goals. Not everything has to be achieved in one breathe. I have too high expectations of myself and it is often not beneficial to anyone or to any purpose.
As many of young people I mistook exhaustion as effort.
Slowly and if you are lucky, you came to the realisation that life should be effortless. When you encounter anxiety, often I found if I work on calming myself down, then when you return to the world and often you shall found your problems are not there.
You must spend quality time to observe and reflect well on yourself when you are experiencing seemingly tidal emotions. You always have a choice, no matter how counter intuitive it feels. It is true. The key is to figure out how to manage your response to the world around you. Whenever I fail to create that space of tranquility, I risk complete chaos.
I am a soft emotional thing with the will of steel. I survived tremendous pain over long years. However, life is not always a battle, one can not live on a diet of adrenaline and cortisol. I promise you I tried and I nearly died. Like many soldier who spent too long away from home, you do not simply return to a past tense dynamic, you nature a new person.
My feet is rubbing against the cold wooden frame of my large bed. I did a good day training the beast within. I need to learn to approach her with more respect.
Good night, my beast within, elegant, fierce, and powerful. Tomorrow, we shall try again.
