10 Commandments of Texting

Learn them. Love them. Follow Them Religiously.

1. Dudes: Don’t Overdo it with the Smileys, Emojis, and “Lols”

Look, guys. It’s just not cool. Am I sometimes so happy about something (or someone) that I want to type a colon followed by a closed parentheses, or enter into the emoji section of my text options? Or I’m actually laughing out loud in response to a funny text, so I want to turn my physical response into a written acronym? Sure. But I never have. And I never will. Why? Because it’s just not okay. Leave it for the ladies. Go with a simple exclamation point to express happiness, or a “haha” to show you found something amusing.

2. Don’t Follow Up a Phone Call With a Text

You just called me. So why are you texting me to tell me you called, or relay whatever message you were trying to impart with the call? I have a missed call alert on my phone, and when I’m free, I’ll call you back. If I’m not busy and simply avoiding you, please realize that it’s much easier to ignore a text, so next time, start with that, then follow up with a call.

3. If You Initiated the Conversation, Don’t Take 4 Hours to Respond

But don’t respond too soon either. No one likes an Anxious Andy. Give it a few minutes, not a few hours. I guess if you’re trying to hint to someone that you’re not interested in talking, the long gap is slightly more acceptable, but it’s still not okay. If you’re not interested, either tell them, or don’t respond at all. Responding four hours later is just infuriating. I know. I’ve been there.

4. Don’t EVER Respond to ANYTHING with just “K”

Unless you’re pissed and trying to communicate that, “K” is simply not okay, okay? If you’re agreeing with someone, say “Sure,” “Sounds good,” or spell out “Okay.” Even “OK” is okay, just not the letter “K” on its own. In a lot of cases, no text is even necessary.

I remember back in the day when I paid for a certain number of text messages on my flip phone, and it was always a stretch to stay under the limit at the end of the month. God forbid you texted me “K” in response to something in those days. If so, you probably only recently got yourself off my shit list. Congrats. It only took six fucking years.

5. Don’t Send Each Sentence as a Separate Message

This isn’t AIM, people. You’re blowing up my phone while I’m at work, at a movie, or worse, in a meeting. Send your thoughts as a fucking paragraph. Seriously. I’m not even asking you to use punctuation, although, I’m tempted to. But for now, I’ll determine where your sentences start and end, so long as you don’t send me each one as a separate text.

6. Respect the Group Message

If you’re starting a group message, remember that us iPhone owners have no choice but to go along for the ride. You’re making a decision to include us without our consent. This is a serious commitment you’re making for us on our behalf. Do not take that lightly. If you include me on some stupid group message with 9 other people while I’m at work, I’m going to ream you out. Same goes for a Saturday morning at 8am. Just because you like to get up early on the weekends, does not mean that I do.

7. Careful With Mom & Dad

Starting a conversation with mom or dad through text? Okay, fine. But you better have a couple hours to finish it. Moms and dads (from my generation, at least) don’t get texting. At least they don’t get how we do it. They’ll send novels if you let them. Keep that in mind. Also, be careful when you’re simultaneously texting your parents and a friend (or love interest) at the same time. You don’t want the wrong message going to mom or dad…I’ve done that. It’s mortifying. See the example below for further cautionary consideration:

8. Don’t Do It Drunk

Look, I know almost everyone has done it. But do we not learn from our mistakes? I mean, every time I have one too many, I have a little pep talk with myself before things get out of hand. It goes something like this: Alright, Caleb. I know you’re getting loose, feeling good, lubricating your emotions, and so forth. And, yes, they may come out sounding smooth and poetic, but they’re not. They’re just dumb. And you’re dumb if you send them. You will regret this in the morning. I repeat, you WILL regret this in the morning. If you’re texting your bestie, it’s probably okay. Just don’t send one to the guy or gal you’re interested in at the moment. It won’t end well.

Also, although this listicle isn’t ranked in order of priority or importance, I do realize that this should probably be higher on the list, regardless. That’s how important it is.

9. Don’t Do it in a Meeting

When I see people texting during a meeting, I want to swat their phone right out of their hands. And I’m all for leaving your phone on the table, as it seems like standard meeting protocol, but if it rings or buzzes once with a message, move it to your lap or pocket. We’re meeting to talk to each other - with our mouths. Your fingers can hold the fuck up for an hour.

10. Don’t Do It While You’re Driving

This isn’t a PSA, and I am not your mother. I still occasionally text when I drive, but I am starting to do it less and less and at more opportune moments - like a red light, for instance. Part of that increase in maturity has come from the horrific videos my mom forwards me through email, but also, a personal experience…

I was once coming home from work. I live in Buffalo, and I was taking this highway we call the Skyway home. It sits over Lake Erie and the Buffalo River, and it’s a long way down. So, I was merging onto the Skyway from another highway, while texting a friend, and I felt my car hit something on the right, and I swerved left to compensate.

I had hit the barrier on the right, and thank God no one was in the left lane when I swerved, or I would have seriously injured myself and someone else (possibly a lot of other people). I was lucky. A lot of people aren’t. Whatever you’re texting about, I’m guessing it can wait. Try to remember that.