Advanced Advanced Analytics II: The Second One

Caleb Pitts
Jul 10, 2017 · 10 min read

Advanced Advanced Advanced Analytics

The Offseason. The four-month long period in which every basketball fan crams in an entire year’s worth of existential crisis, binge drinking, and masturbation. It’s the time when we are forced to take stock of our shit lives and pretend that watching baseball is fun in any way, and I’m here to make it all just a tiny bit worse.

Today we’re talkin’ numbers baby, ever heard of ‘em? Haha, you probably have. If you haven’t read part one of Advanced Advanced Analytics, please click this link. This week, we’ll be busting out the ol’ Cool Math™ to tackle some more facts and figures that are accurate and good. See if you can keep up.

STPETER% — Likelihood that a player will enter the Christian Heaven

If we can agree on any one thing, it’s that Jesus Christ is the one true lord and savior of the world. Personally, I can’t wait for Christian Heaven, where the rims are made of gold (and so are the sexy ladies, thanks God!). But what good is eternal bliss if I can’t also get an Alex Abrines autograph while I’m there? For this reason I have come up with a groundbreaking new statistic to calculate an NBA player’s likelihood of being accepted into the Christian Heaven.

Methodology: Based on the rules of the Abrahamic God, I personally determine the percentage chance that you will one day meet a specific NBA player in Christian Heaven. The formula is too long and not real to write here, so just trust me on this one.

Player Results:

Michael Jordan — 0%

You guys probably could have guessed this one, but the question is: why? Was it the psychopathic way he treated his teammates? Was it his destructive gambling habit? Was it drafting Frank Kaminsky? Nope! Turns out the Bible is cool with most of that shit (sorry Frank). THIS is the real problem. You see that? If there’s one verse from the Bible that we all recognize, it’s the golden rule; Leviticus 19:19. The verse clearly states ”Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material“ , and here comes Mr. Hollywood (MJ’s most well known nickname) poopoo-ing in God’s face on national TV. Enjoy eternal damnation with the guy you stole that mustache from! It’s Hitler! I am talking about Hitler.

Lebron James — 0%

Oh, you thought Lebron was a lock? Well sorry dumbass. Philanthropy, activism, showing shaft on national TV; he’s played by God’s rules. But, as you have probably figured out by now, I am a true investigative journalist who never gives up on a lead. Via an anonymous tip, I have received information about Lebron James that changes everything, everything that there is to know about Lebron. ‘Bron is always talking about God, like they’re BFFs (Best Friends Forever), and oh, they’re BFFs alright, but more like BFFs (Barely Friends For now). My anonymous source let me know about a little-read interview given by a close associate of Lebron James that puts things into a new light. Here’s an excerpt:

“He wakes up and eats two owls for breakfast, four for lunch, and one really fat owl for dinner. His house is littered with full owl nests, where baby owls are nurtured until they’re old enough to leave the nest, flying from their mother’s care into Lebron’s open mouth. It’s a god damned massacre .”

  • Brian Windhorst, Famous Fatties Monthly

You might be saying “Hey, nothing wrong with eating owls right? Owls think they’re so fucking smart, let’s show them who’s who by just using our mouths to eat them”. Now, you’re right, Owls are know-it-alls, and I’m not a big fan, but the Lord God© states in Deuteronomy 14:15 that we can’t eat owls and expect to be hangin’ in heaven. Since I broke this story, Lebron has gone on record to try and save face, but he’s not fooling anyone:

“no i dont eat owls”

  • Lebron James, Real Quotes Magazine

Likely story buddy, hope you have fun taking your talents to HELL! Haha, I came up with that.

Meyers Leonard — 100%

Fuck. I’m not happy about this either, by the way. This dude sucks. He has a first name for a last name and a last name for a first name. Mike D’antoni thinks this guy takes too many threes. He’s just the worst. Look what this sicko had to say about dogs:

“I hate all of the dogs. I would personally like to spit on every dogs.”

  • Meyers Leonard, This Joke is Getting Old Quarterly

What a monster who really said that sentence! He looks like your cousin who got fired from Subway. He looks like if Captain America had Marfan Syndrome. He’s the white Macklemore. Despite all of that, he followed the most important rule in the Bible: put a bible verse in your twitter bio. Yep. That’s all it takes.

But hey, maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe one day, you’ll be playing pickup ball in heaven, and you need one more guy. But not just any guy, you need a guy to come in off the bench and brick threes off back-iron fifteen times in a row. You need a guy who is seven feet tall but somehow can’t post up a chair. You need a guy who is blessed and has the ink to prove it. You need a guy with a Jeep.

You need Leonard, Meyers.

IHS score (Is He Sweaty?)

With this groundbreaking new statistic, we finally have a way to know if players are generally pretty sweaty hombres. This is important work, so I contacted the folks over at Basketball Reference to see if they’d be interested in including this on their site. Expect to see it expanded soon.

Methodology: I google “(player) sweaty” and look at the first result, rating how sweaty they are in said picture. Yeah that’s about it.

Results:

Kevin Garnett — 10.0

Bonafide sweaty legend, right here. All you young sweaters out there, pay attention. KG lookin’ like a damn human Bikram Yoga class. My guy’s forehead convinced Marco Rubio that climate change is real. May just be the sweatiest to ever do it. Salute to a damp icon.

Blake Griffin — 0.4

Why is this the first result? Who is responsible for this? Is he eating something? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this picture? Did a baby take this picture? Did bigfoot take this picture? I can’t rate this shit. Fuck dude.

Wait hold on.

Steve Balmer — ∞

Yes. Fuck yes. Hell yes. This is my guy. This is my absolute dog. This I can work with. This counts right? He’s not a player but I think this counts right? Wait maybe he is a player. This counts. Fuck yes.

Kyle Singler — 6.3

Ok, so Singler looks sweaty, but honestly I don’t give a shit about that, let’s talk about where this image is hosted. I’m not sure if you guys are aware but Kyle Singler has his own website in which he posts news articles about himself in the 3rd person, and it’s one of the greatest things that there is. Let’s quickly break down some of these headlines about Kyle Singler, written by Kyle Singler. Life is absurd.

Pistons sign “Great Addition” Kyle Singler

Haha I love this guy. He put “Great Addition” in quotes, but not the kind of quotes like when someone says something, the kind of quotes like when the words in quotes are a huge lie. Like “fresh” or “I love you Caleb”. We all know this.

Singler comes back stronger

How is that possible? He is already so strong. I refuse to believe he somehow got stronger.

Block of the Week

Surprisingly, this is in fact Kyle Singler blocking an actual NBA player, whereas I expected it to be Kyle Singler being blocked by a baby, or maybe a very old cat. Really blew away my expectations here, Kyle.

Singler Sizzles

When was the last time anyone sizzled? Who sizzles? Nobody has sizzled since George Mikan. Kyle, you need an editor (hmu: Calebarmpits@gmail.com)

Kyle Singler Scores 22 Points, Wants More

It’s like he forgot to finish this headline and specify what exactly he wants more of. We know it’s not points, so that leaves us to guess what Kyle Singler desires a larger quantity of. Is it Sum-41 CDs? John Green novels? Kombucha? We may never know for sure, but I would bet that it’s one of those.

Win a Wii!

“I take pride in giving back to my community and to those who need help, so I am giving away my Nintendo Wii console to the fan with the biggest heart. Find out how to win here!”

Wow, what a guy. Kyle really gives back, y’know? This guy really knows what it’s like to fall on hard times, and here he is giving away the one thing every struggling family should have: Kyle Singler’s used Wii. Thicc hearts only please.

He’s a Winner

I’m with you Kyle, this deserved it’s own headline.

VORP (Value Over Ronnie Price)

We all know VORP, right? It stands for Value Over Replacement Player, and serves as a wonderful player-comparison tool. Well this is sorta like that, but instead of VORP, it’s VORP. I’m glad you follow.

Methodology: According to Spotrac.com, NBA player Ronnie Price, whom we all know as a basketball player, is currently being paid $438,115 per year by the Phoenix Suns, a professional basketball organization. With VORP, we calculate how much a player makes each year, and then subtract Ronnie Price’s current salary to determine their monetary Value Over Ronnie Price, or VORP.

Results:

Luol Deng — 17.5M VORP

Hahaha, the Lakers are paying Luol Deng EIGHTEEN MILLION DOLLARS every year to pretend he’s still good and also to have one hundred teeth. Between this contract and their young core of Lonzo Ball, Rob Pelinka, and Jack Nicholson, the future is looking bright for the Laker’s.

Chandler Parsons — 21.5M VORP

I don’t appreciate all the Chandler Parson’s hate. What’s everyone’s problem? Remember this? Or this? Yes, he looks like he’s in Linkin Park but he also did this. What is there to dislike?

I see a lot of people hate on his Instagram account, but I don’t get the big deal. He’s a regular guy just like you and me. He goes to starbucks. He hoops in jeans. He hangs out with Yao Ming. He get’s frozen alive. He hoops in jeans again. He punches kids, but he also holds them. He sits in infinity pools and hangs out with Santa Claus. Then he plays basketball in jeans. He paints over the ceiling of the sistine chapel, who needs that shit. He dabs on black history month. He watermarks his images and the man only plays ball in his favorite pair of jeans. This is what the average American lifestyle looks like, you’re just jealous that Memphis is paying him twenty two million dollars to live it.

Timofey Mozgov — 15.5M VORP

Okay I just had to bring up that the Nets are paying Timofey Mozgov SIXTEEN MILLION dollars per year to have a bowl cut and look like a baby that just woke up. In today’s NBA, Timofey Mozgov is worth over 30 Ronnie Prices. At least he’s not on the Lakers anymore. That 34 million dollar Deng-Mozgov pick-and-roll was just plain unfair.

Quick Questions: Here’s the part where I get fake questions from real people like you, and then use them to talk about nonsense. Ok let’s do that now.

Hey caleb, how do we make the All-Star game better?

I’ve actually put a lot of thought into this, and I think I found the answer: Animals.

Hear me out, because it only gets worse. The All-Star game is never going to be the competitive showing that we wish it would be, so let’s just fuck that shit up big time. With the addition of animals, you could do funny nicknames, call the animals funny names, and have nicknames for the animals that are funny. Yes! Nicknames are the only good reason to do this! But listen ladies and gentlemen, the proof is in the pudding:

“Shaquille O’SQUEAL”

“Steph FURRY”

”Charles BARKley”

“Lebron James BUT A COW”

A goat named “Michael Jordan”

I’m just asking that you think about it.

Um, excuse me Caleb, who is your nemesis?

You are excused, and thanks for asking. I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while, but my only true nemesis in this world is Kevin O’Connor aka /u/KevinOConnorNBA [+1] aka discount Zach Lowe. The reason? Oh, I’ll tell you the reason. Here is the reason: He completely jacked my writing style. The numbers, the eloquent writing, the use of logic and historical context, it’s all there, except not as cool as when I do it.

Not only has he taken my general writing voice, but he also COINCIDENTALLY covers all the same subjects that I do. Basketball? He’s covered it. Dwight Howard? He’s done it. Fathers? He wrote about that too. Where does it end, Kevin? Can you ever be happy with yourself when you steal and steal from less talented, less paid, less successful, less handsome, less good, less well-endowed (just a guess) writers than you? That’s pitiful dude. Absolutely pitiful.

But Kevin, I’m an easy-going guy, I really am. I’m willing to put this whole thing behind us if you will kindly mail me the Daytime Emmy you received for your work on “This Old House”. And don’t come back and tell me that that’s “not you” and that you never “hosted the PBS renovation show ‘This Old House’”, because we both know that’s a bald-faced lie. You have the same name.

Caleb, Lebron keeps beating my shitty Eastern Conference team, what am I to do?

Yeah, that’s tough. The only real advice I can give is consider moving to the Bay Area for the next three-ish years. If you end up doing it, congratulations! You finally get to be a Warriors fan. You get to cheer for the most unfair team in basketball like every ten-year-old white kid in America. The biggest danger in moving to San Francisco is to be seen as a bandwagoner, so let me give you a couple of excuses so you can avoid that completely accurate label:

“I got lost at an E-40 concert in Petaluma and I haven’t made my way back home.”

“I’m just a huge David West fan, where he goes, I go.”

“Google hired me to help gentrify Oakland”

“I work for the Westboro Baptist Church”

“Boba Tea”

All of these would be better than admitting that you’re a new Warriors fan.

Well, that does it for me. Hopefully I’ll be back next week. Until then, I’ll leave you with these words: Basketball good.

Caleb Pitts

Written by

Not dead. I write about Basketball. Email me whatever: Calebarmpits@gmail.com

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