The Faggot Proclamation: A Bunch of Extra Rights We Want ASAP

In his confirmation hearing for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson once again let his disdain for LGBT people be known. In response to a question regarding his willingness to promote equal access to housing for LGBT individuals, Dr. Carson — a neurosurgeon with absolutely zero political, community organizing or urban development experience — remarked that, “no one gets extra rights.”

In much the same way that Nixon-era politicians stopped using the 
“N-word” publicly and started saying “forced busing” or “states’ rights” — Carson employs a form of dog-whistle politics in his rhetoric. What he says is “nobody gets extra rights” but what he means to communicate is “gay people have been getting extra rights and, unlike a Democrat, I won’t stand for it.” His vagueness and refusal to simply answer “yes” communicates a circumvention of support for LGBT rights, an addendum that cannot (he hopes) be outright disagreed with.

And yet, I disagree. One could certainly argue that protection from being fired or kicked out of your home for who you are or who you love is just “rights” rather than “extra rights.” But I’m over that.

In 2017 and beyond, gay people want what’s due to us — everything, right now and without regard for others.

Because we do, in fact, deserve extra rights. For every bullshit sermon about “unnatural desires” that we had to sit through growing up. For every heteronormative assumption we’ve had placed on us. And for every annoying conservative like Ben Carson whose not-even-slyly-done “love the sinner, hate the sin” routine we’ve had to endure.

For those reasons and many others, I present the definitive list of extra rights that myself and every other queer person should be immediately afforded:

1. Extra traffic lane: like a carpool lane but for queers. Only cars with HRC equal sign stickers can use it. Exception: drivers of a Subaru don’t need a sticker because — obvious lesbians.

2. We don’t pay for drinks at restaurants: $3 for a soda or sweet tea is ridiculous and we’re over it.

3. At least 10 retweets on our content: this one is mostly personal but still please consider.

4. Bigger seats on planes: they’re too small.

5. One of those signs on public transportation that says you have to give your seat up to us: if you’re straight, what are you sitting down for? Stand up and smile. Your right to marry is super protected.

6. Ability to use expired coupons: if I give you a coupon that expired 5 days ago, nothing has changed. This button down has not changed. Just let me use the coupon. I’m gay — you have to.

7. Repayment of our student loans: people get their loans paid back for educating rural areas. If you’re gay and don’t live in a major city, you’ve been educating in rural areas your whole life. Pay our loans off for us, now?

8. Good jobs with, like, a smart casual dress code and catered lunch: I’m talking about full benefits and full stomachs. It’s 2017. And in return we’ll do some super gay stuff around the office. Consider it a diversity initiative.

9. People who work in retail don’t ask us if they can help with anything as soon as we walk in: we’re literally just looking around. Thank you, though. PS — you deserve $15/hour, fight for it!

1o. Recognition of, and a solution for, the fact that you can legally: be kicked out of your home for your gender identity or sexual orientation in 28 states, be fired from your job for your sexual orientation in 27 states and lose your job for your gender identity in 28 states: we’re firm on this one. It’s like a super big deal to us.