Going above and beyond the standard “I’m here if you need to talk”
When a person speaks up about their struggles with depression, it seems the most common response these days is some variation of, “I’m here if ever you need to talk.”
As a person who has heard that many times, my honest opinion on it is this: While it is a nice thing to say and I appreciate hearing it, it’s not particularly helpful.
The problem is that one of the symptoms of depression is self-imposed social isolation. When you’re in that state, your world shrinks to the point where it wouldn’t even occur to you to reach out to most people in your wider friend circle. You would hesitate to tell even your loved ones about it, for fear of burdening them with a problem they’re not equipped to help you with.
If someone you care about suffers from depression, here are a few things you can do beyond offering to listen.
1. Check in.
If you haven’t heard from them in a while, reach out. If they don’t respond, try a different medium. For example, if they don’t respond to social media DMs, try texting or calling them. Show up at their door and ring the bell if that’s what it takes.
Try asking a specific question about something they’re interested in. For example, if you ask for my opinion on a certain Zelda game, I’ll give you a detailed answer no matter how depressed I am in that moment. 🙂
If they’re the friend that usually initiates contact, don’t wait for them to initiate. They may need you to take the lead this time.
2. Invite them out.
A walk in the park. Dinner at a cozy diner. A hangout at your place. The simpler the outing, the better. A depressed brain will immediately shut down any proposition that is not well within the person’s comfort zone.
3. Make sure they’re getting professional help.
When was the last time they saw a psychotherapist? Are they taking their medication? If their medication isn’t working, have they considered going back to their doctor and asking for a different one?
If they don’t have these things that they need, offer to advocate for them. Dealing with the health care system and finding an available (and affordable) psychotherapist is hard enough for even a healthy person, let alone someone who is depressed and operating on less than 10% of their usual energy.
4. Offer encouragement over advice.
Because depressed people are often demotivated and unsure of themselves, it can be tempting to tell them what to do. This is often unhelpful. Though your suggested course of action may seem straightforward to you, the depressed person may not have the energy to do what you suggest.
Don’t tell them what their goals should be. Instead, help them reach the goals they already have. If you don’t know what they are, try to tease them out. If they say they don’t have any, they may just be in the subconscious. Or, perhaps the person is painfully aware of their goals and how far away they are from attaining them. That may be why they’re depressed in the first place.
One way you can help a depressed person achieve their goals is by getting them to focus on the next step and only the next step, not the four or five steps after it. My therapist did this for me once. It was the one and only time that psychotherapy has ever clicked for me (so far).
At the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic I was staying over at my dad’s in Ottawa. At the time my primary residence was a basement suite in Vancouver. I knew I had to move my stuff out of that basement suite. At the time it felt like an insurmountable task.
Here’s what my therapist said: “Well, you don’t have to move everything today right? All you have to do today is buy the plane ticket back to Vancouver. Get the ball rolling.”
Click!
“Oh,” I thought to myself. “Get the ball rolling. Yeah, I can do that.”
And so the “right” advice is the advice that, however slightly, nudges their ball in the direction that’s right for them. Don’t presume to know what that direction is. Ask questions and help them figure it out for themselves.
5. Keep trying.
This goes without saying, but don’t ever give up on someone you care about. Is there anything more important in life than caring for others and being cared for?
In the words of Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.”
