Pretentious Food Blog

This evening’s review comes to you from Le Restau Faux, a quaint new steak house beneath the ownership and direction of the esteemed Chris Sorbert — a chef I’ve had mixed reviews of in the past despite his local fame, as my faithful readers will remember.

Getting right to it, Le Restau Faux promises an a uniquely francoise atmosphere, which I found half-delivered, should my time in the great eateries of Paris have informed me in the slightest. The red wall paint is much too red. A more umberly tint would have been less harsh on the senses, and we all know if there’s one thing that is vital to the French atmosphere, it is the certain je ne sais quoi that the proper decor provides the patron. I’d rate the overall aesthetic authenticity at two stars of ten, and I feel I’m being kind. I wouldn’t even think I was in Quebec. Hell, not even the French Quarters of New Orleans. Honestly, the table cloth was not even properly steamed.

For an appetizer I was brought a cheese soup that was a delightful homage to fromage, if I might make a pun. On jesting, surely that’s what I mean to be doing, because the only way I might describe that soup as “delightful” ever again would be if the word, in fact, meant “terrific,” and then, only if I was referring to the word “terrific” before its connotation shifted to indicate something good. Terr-ible, then, is a more appropriate way to describe the Restau Faux cheese soup experience.

When asked the age of the Gruyere fromage used, the servant, “Robert” couldn’t even give me a straight answer. The bumbling fool seemed to know nothing of the business he is in and I’d firmly recommend that Chef Sorbert put him out before the contrary occurs. Honestly, I couldn’t even give the soup a fair review because my mind was so preoccupied with Robert’s pathetic etiquette. He couldn’t even pronounce the 4 cheeses used correctly when listing ingredients. So the appetizer gets a 4 of ten. Lay off the basil two shakes and I’d fancy it a 4.5. Fire Robert and we’re looking at maybe even a 5.

The entree was a Ribeye over roasted potatoes and a squash purée. The chef recommended a 13' Cabernet by Vignoble Imaginerie, which I promptly refused, for obvious reasons. As my fine audience would know, such a wine would do nothing but dampen the experience of a dish like this. Much too robust and wooden. I told Robert — and I think you’ll agree with me here — that I’d have a 12' Cabernet by the wine masters at Merde Prétentieux vineyards and if he didn’t have it, I’d be leaving promptly. Thankfully for him, he did.

When the steak arrived, it was a noticeable 4.23 degrees cooler than desirable, as my thermometer verified. Other than that, the quality was really no different than my ribeye experience at Sorbert’s debut restaurant, which I spoke of in detail last April. You’ll have to read that review if you want more illuminating picture of the cow in question, but just know that, as far as the beefery goes, I stand by my same opinions firmly. Nothing has changed, meaning either Sorbert is stubborn, or he just doesn’t care what critics say of his food. Either way, he’s walking a dangerous tightrope.

As for the roasted potatoes, I’d say they were a sprig arduous in nature. The cut of beef provided already brought a sense of ground to the table. One really must take care not to over-earth the dish, a popular rookie mistake. In that department, there was room for improvement, though I applaud the chef’s sufflation of the squash drizzle, a technique I’ve often found brothen and underfastiated. It quite literally left a positive taste in my mouth, in spite of it being, perhaps, a risqué choice. For that I say, bravo. I would also commend the Ne parle pas français margarine shmeer that he used to top the Ribeye. It helped to tie back the dish and improve the overall Coriolis effect, as my fellow food aficionados might expect it would have. I’d give the whole entree a three of ten.

For desert, I was given creme brûlée. Let me just say, it was burnt cream. The mere sight of it was pathetic. Plating of the strawberries was atrocious, and I couldn’t even eat it. I demanded it be taken from my presence, no sooner than Robert brought it out. One of ten.

Overall I’d say that Chef Sorbert’s new restaurant will be a hit. The total score after I factored in my entire check list was a 2.66 of ten, among the highest scores received from me in the past year. I do wish he wouldn’t be such an arrogant snot rag and would actually listen to what great food experts like myself are saying about things like his steak choices. Beyond that, though I find his cooking blasé at best, he’ll probably be kept in business by the uncultured swine that frequent his pathetic culinary attempts.

Be sure not to miss my review of La Próxima Víctima, a new Spanish fusion café that I’ll be visiting this weekend. Stay beautiful, and demand excellent dining!

Like what you read? Give Caleb Wilemon a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.