April 12, 2017
I am starting this blog.
I have a story. I am not sure what is yet, but I know it is here and it is powerful. If not powerful for you, then at least powerful for me.
Today, it was, and is raining. There were moments where the sun peeked out, and the day reflected my mood.
I took a nap after going to the doctor’s office. I have been sick for over two weeks, wheezing through lectures and seeing spots as I drive from lack of oxygen.
I know that it was stupid and I should have seen a doctor earlier, but it is easier to teach while sick than it is to write sub plans and worry that the students are going to behave and that the sub actually does what you have asked.
So I powered through, not even realizing that I was as sick as was. (Ok, I think I knew, but I ignored it, hoping that I would magically get better over spring break.)
So here I am, writing. Wondering where I go from here.
That is the problem. Always more questions than answers. Always analyzing my feelings and actions. Always trying to find my place, never quite able to figure it out.
So what is my place?
That is what I aim to find out as I write this. Oh, and I really don’t care if you read it. It not for you. It’s for me.
More rain. More outdoor plans deferred to a day when the sun is shining. More struggle within myself. What does it take to pull oneself out and stand up to the tide of defeatism?
One must stand up. I spent an hour of watching a man build his dream home with little help, experience, or cooperation from the weather. I, too, can stand. I, too, must stand and find the strength that resides inside me. For the sake of my family. For my sanity.
I spent a good part of last night (couldn’t sleep) planning for the future here. I look for self-sufficiency in the workings of my home, to become less dependent on the structures that society has given me. Solar power is more than an economic motivator. It is a way for me to regain a part of myself and my core identity. A fence is a protective barrier that will only be penetrated when my family wants it to be. It is freedom for our animals, so they can be free to graze, yet still be confined.
These projects sit on the back burner, but they can’t be held back much longer. It is the same with my soul. I must make this happen. Find my happiness in my surroundings. Mold them to remold my mind.
The sun was out today. A truly beautiful day. My mood was definitely elevated by this and the attempt at productivity. I am feeling physically better and I think that mentally, that made things more workable.
Today was a day of dreams. We looked at other properties, made plans for our garden and I realized that we are at a sort of crossroads, such that I have never imagined, and I not sure that I thought was possible. We could continue to live the life that we live with some minor changes, develop our property the way we want to, make this a much more productive farm and continue our jobs as planned. And be completely happy doing so.
Or we could make improvements to our property here and buy a different property and build on that piece of land, keeping our current property as well. Having our cake and eating it too.
Or we could… There are other possibilities that exist, but you don’t need them all.
What it made me realize is that hope is the driving force behind life. If there is the possibility that life can get better, then you have to go and try to figure out how. Otherwise, where no hope exists, all is despair. And despair has led me to places that I’m not happy that I have been. The cycle of despair that I have been on has changed how I react to everything. It has made me impatient, petulant, and frustrated beyond measure, because if you truly believe that there is no way that life will improve, then you are stuck. And if you are stuck in place, then what is the point? But with hope, with hope, one can push through the moment to a different one.
My wife got a horse a few months ago, which is a dream come true for her, but for the last few days, the horse has not been very happy. She has bucked both me and my wife off and has reared on my wife as well. The horse shows signs of impatience and seems like she is not happy with her current situation. She is not free to run where she pleases, nor eat whenever she wants. She is restless and wants a life that is better than what she currently has. I look forward to that day, when we can provide her with that. I know how she feels.
Today is Easter. A day for grace and mercy. And for me, that means patience. I need patience for those who drive me crazy.
The first day back to school after spring break always leaves you feeling a little… discombobulated. The kids are tired, you are tired, and today that was made worse by the intermittent rain, which always runs from the corner of my classroom in a torrent to the wooden walkway in front of it. This creates a disgusting shower that just seems to draw kids in.
Today was, however, what I was expecting, and most of the kids were pleasant, except the usuals who real don’t understand the gift that a free education is.
And yet, I am hopeful for the future despite the lack of willpower that many of my kids possess. They just don’t want to expend the extra effort to learn anything. But I know that they will grow to become members of society. Productive, hopefully.
Exhausted. Allergic. That about sums it up.
Forward. Ever forward. Decisions are being made, both by us and for us. Are we ready to move forward on buying property and moving up the hill? Am I ready to move on? Do we buy a thousand dollars worth of panels with which to build an arena? Is it time to eat the turkeys? What do I do with this writing bug that I have? That sure is a lot of questions, but they don’t feel quite as overwhelming as they did even a week ago.
What has been decided? I am teaching summer school. I am not applying for one job while I am for The One. The truck shall be painted.
So many really mundane details of life pass us by every day. So many days are ordinary. Then it piles on. Or so it seems. How to weather the deluge? Patience. Clear mind. Sleep. Removing stressors…
Yeah right. Maybe I’ll get some sleep.
I thought for sure that there would be some 4/20 related activity at school. Thankfully I was wrong.
Today was a day of action. Applications, moving forward with realtors, and finishing up grading before the progress reports go out.
Learning how to weld. Metal combining with metal to create one bond. Heat, combine, cool. Together.
Stress is a new horse who has escaped and run off. Thank goodness she likes our mini horse, because she came back to see him. And that is the sum total of what one can handle during a day.
Wow, what a marvelous data dump that was. Sometimes, you just need to get it out there, on paper, so to speak.