Thank you for your courage in writing this. In echo of a few who have commented, I too have lost my younger brother 3 years ago this May, only 2 days shy of my birthday. Every once in a while, especially when it comes close to the anniversary, that day just plays in my head over and over. You’re right, it seems it is always a nice day when these terrible things happen and even when that day returns each year. Everything was hard to put into words later on. For one, some of his “friends” on Facebook when they heard the news thought it was a suicide, which it wasn’t. He had complications with the many different pain killers doctors prescribed to him since his injury he sustained in the military. All of that was extremely infuriating when even family members asked that! There are many things I had a hard time doing after he died. When I went back to my apartment, since he and I were bomb in the kitchen, I had an extremely hard time cooking for myself. I felt a strange feeling, a more empty one, really. Holidays are severely challenging and my birthday isn’t something to celebrate, for me at least. My thoughts of him walking me down the isle in his uniform, having a play date with our children or taking care for our mother when she gets older make me feel sad mostly.

After he passed, while in the middle of my masters program, even though not being the best idea, I went back to my internship, studying, and finishing a thesis, ultimately graduating on time. Most people were shocked I was able to given the circumstances, but it’s like how you mentioned about moving on with things and people still being there. Two years ago, I had found my partner, who knew my brother when we originally met almost 5 years ago. These 2 years with my partner have been wonderful and challenging. Recently, I think of my brother more than ever because the concept of getting married has been put out there. I can’t call my brother, but maybe I can tell him in my thoughts before I sleep at night. Some times I found myself messaging his memorialized Facebook account. Does this help? Fuck if I know.

This is the New Normal for sure! It’s a beautiful day every time I visit him and our grandparents. My mother and I are planting a tree for him in the backyard of her new house next month with a little memorial ceremony. I wake up with our family dog, Marty, who lived with him before he passed, and I take him to the park a ton. As I am always anxious for what the future holds, I know he might not be there physically, but he might be around somewhere to see some of it — hopefully most of it.

Grief is never over. We can remember those we have lost and…maybe its the spiritual Jew in me in saying this…their souls never truly leave us.