inside i am still the kid putting on shoes and getting left behind.
in order to protect myself from hurt i learned to leave. it’s not always in my best interest, but i also don’t always know this. it took me some growing up to fully admit to myself how destructive being an impulsive leaver does to myself more than anyone else.
my self-sabotage takes in the form of closing doors and throwing the key. when i get hurt, i fix the pain by finding the nearest exit.
the deep-seated abandonment wound creates this mean person who refuse to give people second chances. once i am made to feel unloved, unwanted and uncared for, i respond by proving that i never needed anyone in the first place. only that’s not true. i need people. i need them to care for me.
the unhealed abandonment wound created this hyper self-reliant person who’s too flighty for her own good. i mistake independence as a substitute for being valued by other people. i go on with life thinking if i could just be strong enough to do everything on my own, i would not have to need other people in my life. and that would mean i am free from the eventual disappointment of them failing to show up for my needs.
it’s just now that i realized i need to give people a chance to be there for me so i can fully heal the wounds i still have from being neglected.
today, i open the door.
