Keep your dog out of my office

Who thought that dogs in an office were a good idea?

In my 26 years, I’ve been attacked by dogs twice. The first time, I was on my way to badminton. I was walking past a small dog on a lead when the vicious beast attacked me. All I’d done was smile at the owner, by way of being friendly, when the dog jumped up, bit me, and scratched my whole leg lengthwise (I was wearing shorts).

The second time, I was in Canada. A dog was tied to a lamp post outside a supermarket. Because I’d already had a bad experience with dogs, I tried to keep my distance. No cigar. The dog sprinted towards me, barking its head off, scaring the everliving shit out of me, and I barely escaped by jumping out of the lead’s length radius at the last minute. I still have nightmares about it to this day.

Then came my first experience of dogs in the workplace. I lived in a small town and worked from the only co-working space in town. The co-working space was dog-friendly. The owners had this pit bull that would sprint around the office — it felt like being held up at gunpoint, like I could be gunned down at any moment. Very stressful.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, it happened: bring your pet to work day. Four hundred square feet swarming with the bastards. Not one cat, not one goldfish, not one snake, just huddles and huddles of loud, obnoxious, smelly dogs. Weeing, pooing, barking, and running around the office fighting one another.

And I wasn’t the only victim. There were two other paying workspace tenants who were allergic to dogs. On “bring your pet to work day”, they had to stay at home.

Every day the founders brought in their animals, those two were forced to lock themselves in their office and gobble antihistamines. If that is not oppressive majority rule, I don’t know what is.

Since starting Spill, I worked in a number of co-working spaces in London. Most allowed dogs. This meant 6 months of daily dog dodging, unrelieved anxiety, and stress.

Look, dog owners. I get it. You love having your ever-doting best friend around with you all day; why wouldn’t you? I’m sure you like your dog much better than many of your colleagues. But imagine if I brought in my (human) best friend to work and they had free reign of the office. Imagine they were free to interrupt anyone at will, screaming at anyone trying to enter the office, sprinting around the workspace and defecating anywhere they wanted to.

There was a time when you could smoke in the office and everyone inhaled second-hand smoke. Then we realised that that was inconsiderate to give other people cancer. Now, I’m not saying unrelieved mid-level anxiety is as bad as lung cancer and heart disease, but it’s not great.

Office dogs are advertised as a perk. But I would actively avoid a company that had a dog-friendly policy. Invest in your employees’ mental health, hire smart capable people who are a pleasure to work with, create a culture of a healthy work-life balance. And keep your dog at home.