Adoption fixes parentless-ness. Not childlessness.
Those are long words, sorry, let me unpack them.
Adopting a child is not a cure for your infertility.
Finding a forever family is the solution for an orphan.
Until the needs of that unknown child come first, you’re not ready to adopt.
There’s an assumed path to how relationships work. You meet someone, you commit to each other, if and when you’re ready — you “try for a family”. There’s a small fear of infertility, you hope you haven’t left it too late. After a year or two, you talk to your doctor, you test the chemistry and mechanics, you may try infertility treatments with various degrees of intervention. At some point, “we can always adopt” is discussed.
But when you’re in that situation “Just adopt” is not the advice that prospective parents want to hear.
As a foster parent — looking after little ones until they get their forever family, adoption is the obvious missing piece of the puzzle. Pair up the have-nots with the want-to-haves. What a neat solution.
When you meet about-to-be adoptive parents who have been waiting years for that moment, it’s so obviously a great fit to solve childlessness.
And then, I was challenged.
My assumptions were upside down, it should be the other way round. A child needs a family. Start from that direction and you realise the power of existing parents welcoming in another child.
Becoming an adoptive parent is incredibly hard work. By adopting a child you don’t get the 9 months warning, the real-life-tamigotchi months of a newborn baby, or the toddler years when it’s painfully obvious you that it’s so not (ever) about you. Instead of following the usual timeline of learning how to parent, you go from 0–60 in a matter of moments. And often you don’t get a blank slate, but a small opinionated being with unknown service history and definitely no warranty or manual!
If you are a prospective adoptive parent. I’m not trying to put you off. I want to do the exact opposite. The need is massive.
However, you have to realise which problem you are solving. “We’ve got a lot of love to give” is not enough. You must unpack your intentions, your own needs, your own motivations for becoming a parent. Your adoption training and social workers will help with this, but you have to go in with your eyes open.
From the start you have to realise the first rule of parenting:
It’s not about you.
The child comes first.
You have to know it, you have to get it, you won’t have the hormonal rush from giving birth that give you a shortcut to selflessness. You have to choose it, believe it, breathe it, live it — and then it will come.
Adoption is about a child finding a family. You becoming a parent is a wonderful byproduct — but it can’t be the only reason.
The statistics about adoption breakdowns are depressing. Individual stories about family trauma or adoptee abuse are utterly heartbreaking. No-one intends for that to happen, but as an adopter you must have your motivations aligned 100% in the best interest of the child — who will one day become your adult son or daughter.
When you’ve thought it through, talked it through with others and still feel that deepdown urge to parent — then you can start the process towards asking a child to trust you with their life.
Perhaps you have birth children already, maybe they’re becoming older and more independent and you’re wondering what next for your family. (We call it the “get a dog” stage, as so many of our contemporaries have done this past year!) Then maybe consider adoption?
If you have a little parenting experience behind you before you open your home, it’s a massive help. I think the “space for one more” families are one of the best possible spaces for helping a parentless child to succeed.
