Grace
Suddenly grace seems pretty fashionable. Stormzy, Rag’n’Bone man. Of course, U2 sang about it before them, and numerous others back to John Newton and beyond.
Grace isn’t a word people readily understand. It’s not a singular concept like love or faith, it’s a compound thing.
It’s when we get what we don’t deserve. (hat tip to the WWMT for a definition that has stayed with me for 20+ years).
(Whilst we’re in dictionary corner, Mercy is Grace’s little opposite sister — when we don’t get what we do deserve.)
So, why are big grown men singing about grace, pursuing it as an exciting thing. Well, either people are more aware of what we do deserve (yikes, don’t look down) or we are excited that laws of consequence don’t always apply (wow, I looked down, but I’m not giddy, I’m not falling?).
I suspect it’s the latter.
There’s something magical about the unexpected. About a gift. Something without strings, or a price tag.
What’s subtle about grace is it only has power when we accept it. If you try and pay for a gift, you are snubbing the giver. Refusing to accept hospitality is rude, you are disrespecting the person who enjoys being generous. But to accept grace — to take what we don’t deserve, what we haven’t earned or have any right to own — that’s where the magic happens. That’s the tingly feeling of Christmas, love and generosity all in one.
And accepting grace is when we start to let go. When we accept a thing that we have no control over — we acknowledge that we are not in control of 100% of our lives, and that it is okay. We have let other people in, maybe just to 1% of our life — and actually, they did okay. The universe was kind to us. Maybe I’m not an island, perhaps other people can do better than me.
And so, we accept love, friendship, kindness. And the more we accept, the more we give. And the more we do this good stuff, the more resilient we become to things going wrong — we can ride out the smaller hurts, maybe begin to heal the older ones.
Wow, taken to its logical conclusion, Grace is a big deal. No wonder it’s fashionable.
Now imagine grace, for a looked after child.
A child, still trying to figure out the world and their place in it. A child who has been neglected or hurt, who has learnt in a hundred subtle ways that they don’t deserve much. A child that doesn’t have a secure attachment to others, or any expectation that other people will be kind or consistent towards them.
A child that gets knotted up in a tangle of negative feelings, emotions and actions, and that tangle gets pulled tighter and tighter by each interaction with others — until the knot seems too small to ever be undone. But the knot itself is a frustration you pick at, breaking your fingernails, over and over, trying to release a loose thread.
A child whose entire identity is based on shame.
What does grace look like to them?
It’s consistency.
It’s not a promise that it will be all okay, those are just words that can’t be trusted.
It’s being there.
It’s being the same, no matter how much I scream, kick or push you away.
It’s being fed, every meal, every day.
It’s falling asleep and waking up in the same place.
It’s having the same friends and grown ups around day after day, that show kindness to each other and to you.
This builds trust, an expectation that you will do what you say. After time, I might start to believe you when you say that it will be all okay.
Then I might start to accept your love. Deep down I still don’t think I deserve it, because I’ve been hurt or abandoned at a fundamental level. On bad days, I push away your love, but demand your attention. I can cause you pain to trigger anger and rejection — because that’s what I deserve, right?
But getting good stuff that I don’t deserve? That’s grace. That’s not for me, as I really don’t deserve it. Right?
But how do I untangle this?
When I accept a little bit of grace, my world is brighter.
Woooooah.
Maybe one day, a child will develop enough security and self identity to figure things out — give themselves grace, believe in themselves, and start to believe that they do deserve good things in life.
But whilst they are a work in progress, whilst they are young, there must be grace.
And what does grace look like?
It’s a person, not a concept.
It’s a hug, it’s Jesus with skin on.
It’s acceptance.
It’s a home.
It’s someone who can hold your pain.
That is when you will know a place or a person is right for you. When they can hold your pain. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.
Let me make it concrete. Do they pooh-pooh the ways in which you ache? Do they change the subject and run away when you share how you hurt? These things that make your heart explode — they might never understand why, but can they see precisely that it does, and appreciate you for it? Do they tell why you shouldn’t feel that way, instead of understanding why you do? Do you feel that you can express all your foolish yearnings and longings, or at least stumble towards them?
Just stumbling towards grace. That is all that we are doing in this life. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we fall into each other’s arms. And sometimes, usually, we miss. But at least, perhaps, we touch. And if, at least, you do that much, just touch, for a moment, then maybe, maybe, your pain can be held by that place, by that person. And do you know what you should do?
Hold them tight, first.
https://umairhaque.com/how-to-know-if-something-or-someone-is-right-for-you-9d3bce5b472e
Without wanting to be too clichéd, grace is amazing.
Pay it forward.
