Neglect stinks
It has a very distinct smell. Clothes can be slightly sweet from being washed in too much fabric conditioner, but musty because there was no way to get them properly dry. Cuddly toys that smell stale from cigarette smoke. The sour odour of bodies that aren’t used to soap. And the bedding that stinks of piss.
Child protection social workers will often write reports that refer to the house smelling of ammonia. What that really means is the smell that hits the back of your nose and chokes your throat. Wee accidents are inevitable with toddlers, and if you don’t have the energy, motivation or cleaning supplies to clean it up — eventually it becomes the telltale smell of neglect.
The majority of our placements come into care because of neglect. One indicator social workers use is parents who are able to put the needs of the children first — and sadly too often this isn’t possible. There are addictions, usually there is poverty, very often mental health issues — all three are interrelated and can cause each other. In all our last ten placements the father has been unknown or on the periphery, mothers can easily become isolated and lonely.
Usually, social workers have been involved with the family for a period of time before kids are taken into care. They try to give help — such as a family support worker to help with the house, arranging childminding, or connecting with appropriate charities or agencies that can help with the family needs. But at the point of crisis, where kids are at risk, they must intervene and take the children out of the situation.
When children first arrive, bewildered and scared, it’s the smell that marks them out as new and different.
To them, our house must smell different, foreign. There is something primal about scent: animals create and sustain relationships based on their sense of smell.
We try to have open body language, get down to their eye level, give them hugs if it helps. We share our own smell and hope they accept it.
Washing comes quickly. Bathing the bodies, shampoo the hair, fresh clothes that smell neutral to us because they have a familiar detergent. We wrap them up in our family fragrance. We associate it with fun, or food — toast, milk or pasta that is safe, gives a happy belly feeling and a familiar, good smell.
Two days into a placement, the children’s social worker told us the background story of the three beautiful but bedraggled girls that had just landed in our home. They had been working with the family for six months, the mother doing just enough to justify continued support, but steadily declining into substance abuse.
“I’m so glad they’re here.” said the social worker “This will be the first weekend for months where I don’t have to worry if someone will remember to feed them.”
It leaves a lump in my throat every time I think of it.
This was an experienced social worker. I’d imagined she was professional, battle-hardened and well able to leave her problems at the office at the end of each day. She may have used language more normally associated with looking after a pet while on holiday, but the tone of her voice betrayed her. She cared so much and had such relief that the children were now safe. I thank God there are people able and willing to do her job.
The girls kept the pillowcases they came with. We quickly replaced the pillows for fresh ones without stains or burns, but the colour and pattern was familiar and comforting.
Comfort blankets were cleaned, repaired, and in once case divided into two to become a more portable size (and in case of emergency misplacement). They came with so little, we need to respect it as their link to home, but when they showed little care or memory for things we quietly stored them away.
Over time, the smell of our house became neutral to them. And their smell became family to us.
Home for Good focuses on fostering and adoption and creating new families, but let’s not ignore where these vulnerable children come from. In our developed country there is massive inequality, communities where it is normal to have a social worker calling round regularly, and whole families composed of care experienced people.
Think about the mum, suddenly missing her babies. This was the last thing she wanted. What sort of pain and guilt must she feel?
Frequently mothers in this situation have grown up in the care system herself — without any family to call her own she has a baby to try and create her own version of security. But without the practice of forming meaningful relationships, the education or opportunity to support herself, or a family and community to provide practical help — the odds are stacked against her.
Sometimes losing your children to the care system can trigger an emotional or mental health breakdown. Other times it means a mother losing child benefit and as a result their housing and then their local support network. All too often parents try to replace their missing children with another baby and there can be a cycle of repeated removals.
One of our birth parents was referred to the Cambridgeshire Space project to try and establish a long-term change to her lifestyle. Initiatives like Pause, or the Family Drug and Alcohol Court are using different approaches to address the underlying issues that can cause kids to require coming into care.
Fostering and adoption are one part of the wider picture of social care. As a family, it’s what we do to help others — but I have huge respect for those who work in different areas to help our local community. Things like local foodbanks that keep families afloat, CAP debt centres do brilliant front-line work with people trapped in debt, or practical help from charities such as Buttle UK.
There are hundreds of different ways to help others that might just help keep families together.
Neglect is a general term for when a child’s needs aren’t being met. It has a smell.
I believe we can all find ways to help meet our children’s needs. As a society, we are collectively guilty of neglect — caring only about our own — not the noisy or misbehaving kids that we don’t like.
That smells too.
But what if we can provide a little help early on, or at key moments when families are struggling? Who knows what impact that might have. How awesome would it be if the number of kids coming into care started to reduce?
How wonderful if Home for Good’s vision of a home for every child who needs one came true by the back door?
