So I’ve been invited to a small fundraiser for Donald Trump

I will be in very close proximity to the Donald. I am wondering whether I should plan on killing him.

As I was growing up, I partook in lots of ethical discussions on the subject of, “if you could have killed Adolf Hitler, at certain risk of your own death, would you have tried?” I always came down on the side of: hell yes.

I am not saying Trump is Hitler. He’s more like Mussolini, as far as I can tell. But even if he’s an Ertegun, or especially if he’s he’s a Putin, and even if the sympathy vote for president then goes to the pretty bad Mike Pence, wouldn’t the world be better off if I sacrifice my life (most likely) to get rid of the menace?

I understand this is logic fairly similar to all the horrible, idiot suicide bombers who think they’re getting a heavenly reward of lots of raisins. Or virgins, as the case may be.

But I’m not talking about killing some random, innocent Jew here. I am faced with the opportunity to take out a huge threat to the world. Half of America understands all the reasons. The other half … would vote for Hitler if given the chance.

Everybody please advise me. I think I need to go out and buy a gun. What do you think?