— “Your laundry detergent is making me want to throw up.”

— “GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

— “You don’t care if my child DIES of a HEART attack.”

— “GOD WILL JUDGE YOU FOR THIS.”

— “Do you have a boyfriend?”

— “Why do you work in such a shitty place?”

— “BUT HE’LL MISS FOOTBALL PRACTICE.”

— “Why aren’t you married?”

— *calls 911 because didn’t get coffee yet*

— “What color covid test swabs do you have? The colored ones have covid on them from the government.”

— “I’M CALLING MY LAWYER.”

— “Are those worms crawling out of my foot?” (Technically, they were maggots.)

— “My baby isn’t breathing well but I can’t find parking at the ER so I’m leaving.”

— *angrily masturbates in response*

— “I don’t care if I get struck by lightening, I WANT MY CIGARETTES.”