lament, green eggs & ham

chaotic musings of a 23-year old i.t consultant

my feet and hands are worn, wrinkled. they have aged more quickly than all the rest. click, pop. the grease of today’s activities sits atop my skin, filmy.

a pause. another over-constructed song bleats out of the flimsy laptop speakers. i wish to shout, but feel resistance. a shield of insecurity and guilt. i allow hyper-candy melodies and my typing to adorn these cardboard walls.

up until now i’ve been oblivious to my neck & shoulder pains, sustained by years of neglect. you’d think these artists had more to sing about than cheesy breakups, broken hearts. it’s comforting nonetheless.

“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”

loneliness brings you to your knees. in the company of my exhausted self i am stripped to my raw core. beneath the layers of fat i attempt to conceal myself under. beneath the sinewy pride lies contempt for self. a coagulation of feelings. overwhelmed.

“All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot!”

the night conceals vileness. i crave that which i am familiar, with which i am content. going back to him is always a bad idea. i feel doubt sink to the bottom of self. i trudge on; i’ll be home soon.

“And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

my home is not a home, merely a placeholder. deserted, chilling, lacking life. she’s in and out like a ghost; i feel like i am intruded on every single night. it is for this reason i have piled up all of my belongings in the corner ready to move out within the week.

the reality is that you don’t make something from nothing. what you create stems from what you already know. i am a complete sum of my past, my efforts, my behaviours, my interactions, of everybody i have met.

“You have brains in your head, You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. and You know what you know. and YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” — Dr. Seuss

i’ve spent too much time attempting to understand how this world works, and not enjoying the present moment.

“On and on you will hike and I know you’ll hike far, and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.” — Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!