“Mutual Aid” is Not Mutual: An Essay

“I could really do something to myself, I don’t think you understand…”

Mutual Aid (n.)- the act of aiding each other in the Mutual Aid Community monetarily.

Mutual Aid Community (n.)- A community of individuals who struggle financially, helping others who struggle financially and vice-versa.

Or so I thought.

If my memory serves me well, I started participating in the Community (for brevity’s sake, let’s reduce it to Community) in 2020, when I was seventeen, going on eighteen. Donating and sharing, I thought things were going well. But then I considered my own situation.

Living in an abusive household (in multiple ways), I learned many, many wrong lessons, including that I shouldn’t have a backbone, as it gets in the way of the ones dictating my exact actions. We will get to that later.

For now, we will stick with the endless stories of how I’ve been used and abused, stalked online, and harassed in the name of helping others.

In January of 2022, I received a direct message from an individual I then followed on Instagram. The DM from the mutual aid community content creator told me to keep track of any donation-related transactions that were to branch out from both connections that I already had and connections that I was to make.

By that time, I had experienced a neurological regression due to my mental illness that caused me to hardly be able to read. I am still recovering today. I couldn’t comprehend what this person wanted, and I tried expressing that and asking twice if I could share the mutual aid post periodically and keep it reposted. What happened next was a nightmare for any abuse survivor.

I was then guilt-tripped by way of being told that I was turning the attention around on myself and making everything about myself. I was told that I wasn’t willing to help. As a teenager, I was to do everything this adult wanted exactly how they wanted it, or I was a failure to the community and selfish.

I don’t know about you, but this is not someone I would want my kids around.

Next up, imagine you’re walking out of CVS/Pharmacy. You hear shouting. You ignore it at first because it’s likely one of your many hallucinations.

“I know you can hear me!” Is yelled next. That’s when you look up and find a woman walking over to you.

You’re barely eighteen and yet here she is, strong and stout, bombarding you with all of her supposed health issues and problems before demanding money. You fearfully give her a ten-dollar bill, intimidated, and as I earlier mentioned, without a backbone.

She shuts up and runs away, her image disappearing behind the CVS facility.

And you’re left wondering who needed the money more.

Just recently, I was messaged on Instagram about donating to someone, not a name that stood out to me because I had never helped them before to my knowledge. I opened the request, and hesitated to do anything further because of my past horrid experiences with the community.

Then I receive a comment I am tagged in about the same message, but from a different account. The comment said I received a DM and needed to check.

Is it just me, or is it strange for one person to DM you and a completely different person to prod you to answer that message?

And one thing I don’t do is get cyber stalked. I turned off my mentions in my settings and comment replies reduced only to people I follow. No more account-watching, I was determined, as I outsmarted these community members using the Instagram Algorithm.

Before the last tale, I will briefly address the countless times people have assumed I’m of a high class (I’m not, I’m so not) and asked me for money, again and again and again. When I would make posts for myself on the rare occasion, offering handmade jewelry as my thanks, I got a few shares and financial help twice. Twice in total, as everyone else got donations left and right every single day.

And finally, we have one last story worth telling.

There is a community member who is allegedly houseless, diabetic, and just come from surgery. They ask me for money periodically, and when I could, I would help them. The last time I said no was when things got frightening.

I could really do something to myself, I don’t think you understand…

Was this member threatening suicide? Yes, they were. And as a four-time suicide survivor myself, I was extremely triggered. Ever since, this user has unfollowed me and stopped asking, for now at least.

And all of these issues that I’ve experienced firsthand, is exactly why I find Mutual Aid anything but mutual.

As far as solutions go, I have none. The “mutual aid” community can figure that one out for themselves. I’m done.