A Field Guide to Conflict Bowl
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What is Conflict Bowl?
Conflict Bowl is a group activity designed to facilitate conflict processing in a group setting. Conflict bowl is a special type of “fishbowl” discussion, where some people sit in the middle of a larger group and discuss a topic, and the rest of the group watches, listens, and learns from the discussion. At a conflict bowl, people take turns discussing interpersonal conflicts they have with each other (which typically involve two or more people) while the rest of the group watches and listens. Then the people who discussed the conflict can ask the people watching for feedback on the ways that they communicated about those conflicts. While “fishbowl” discussions have been used for many purposes in many different groups, conflict bowl was developed to facilitate discussion of conflicts that might otherwise be avoided, and to provide an environment in which individuals can learn, practice, and share conflict-related communication skills. We see this as an abolitionist practice that helps our social groups engage in conflict in less punitive ways that are less likely to lead to violence than “normal” ways of doing conflict.
The focus of the conflict bowl format is less on the conflicts being discussed themselves (although of course that is important), and more on the ways that we communicate about those conflicts. By witnessing and supporting each other as we talk about our conflicts, we can all improve our skills and get more comfortable discussing conflict together, while learning about each other and deepening our sense of community.
What are the goals of conflict bowl?
Conflict bowl is a great tool — but it’s not the whole toolbox! It’s important to understand the specific goals of conflict bowl, so we can understand where it fits into our conflict engagement toolbox.
Build communication skills! When we practice communicating together, we can learn a lot about how to express ourselves and understand each other more effectively.
Destigmatize conflict! When we see that conflict is normal, commonplace, present in all relationships, and can be discussed with care and love, we experience less shame and fear about having conflicts with each other.
Help keep conflict from becoming catastrophe! When we practice talking about conflicts of all sizes with our friends’ support, we get better at bringing things up when they’re small, rather than waiting until they are so big that they overwhelm us.
Help us give and seek community support effectively during conflicts! When we talk about conflict as a community, we can learn more about how to support and take care of each other as we try to approach the many conflicts in our lives.
Help us process specific conflicts and learn about each other! When we talk about conflict, we learn so much about each other’s experiences, perspectives, and desires. When we do this in a group (rather than in isolation and secrecy, where conflict is often discussed), we can all learn more about each other and build bonds as a community.
Notably, conflict bowl is NOT focused on resolving or “solving” conflicts. Focusing on this is often a way that we minimize and try to avoid actually dealing with conflict. When we focus on resolution, we risk skipping any discussion of our experiences, feelings, and desires, which is what lets us understand each other. If conflict bowl focused on resolving conflicts, it could actually work against the goals on this page.
Our experiences! Complete the sentence:
“CONFLICT BOWL IS…”
“A place to practice and share skills”
“A place to unlearn the shame of being in conflict”
“Something that benefits from attention and preparation”
“A group meditation on communication”
“Open-minded queers sitting in a circle”
“A space to have difficult conversations with people you care about”
“A way to learn new processes for managing conflicts”
“A judgement-free zone for discussion around conflict techniques”
“A way to combat how we’re taught to enact and accept harm in private conflicts”
“A way to understand patterns of behavior within conflicts”
“A place to imagine and daydream and experiment”
“A place to be honest and vulnerable with friends and strangers”
“A good place to laugh about misunderstandings”
“A place to be seen and known as a complete person, flaws and all”
“A place to face your fear of conflict”
“For anyone who wants to work on their conflict skills”
“Normalizing direct but thoughtful communication”
“A way to learn a lot about acceptance”
“A path to dealing with conflicts even within one’s own mind or self”
CONFLICT BOWL IS NOT…
“A process that relies on just one person’s viewpoint or goals”
“A place to tell each other what to do”
“The only conflict-oriented communication that a group should do”
“Where people gang up on each other”
“A replacement for building skills on your own”
“The first or the last thing that happens in a conflict”
“An alternative to all other accountability processes”
“A space to resolve all conflicts immediately.”
“A forced or non-consensual discussion about people’s conflicts”
“Free from the influences of our family of origins”
“A place to ask the group to condemn people or take sides”
“The only place you can/should have conflict”
“Only for people who are already comfortable with conflict“
“Conflict in an ‘as-seen-on-TV’ way”
“Focused on “solving” conflicts”
“A public tribunal or hearing”
“A place to take sides”
“Therapy”
“Definitive”
“Final”
“Transformative justice”
“The people’s court”
“A battle royale”
“A place to insult people”
“A boxing match”
“Solution-focused”
“A place to carelessly gossip”
“A high impact sporting event”
“A debate”
“A competition”
“Perfectly safe”
“Free from any potential harm”
“Resolution-focused”
“A space for shame”
“A witch hunt”
“A place to assign blame”
“Too hard”
“A wrestling ring”
“A yelling match”
“All sunshine and rainbows”
“Terrible”
“Boring”
“Torture”
“Small talk or chitchat”
“The only way to deal with conflict”
“Uniform”
“Call-out culture/ Cancel culture”
How We Think About Conflict
There is a dominant way we think about and understand conflict, promoted by mainstream culture. This leads to dominant norms — which usually push us towards avoiding conflict, and relying on authority and judgment to resolve conflict when it does come up. Conflict bowl, among other social technologies meant to push back against these norms, attempts to establish a new liberatory understanding of conflict which can lead to new social norms around conflict. Conflict bowl is one container in which we intentionally practice these new norms.
How to throw a conflict bowl
Plan it! Identify the group who wants to help throw and facilitate the bowl. Decide on an agenda, who to invite and how to invite people, where and when to have the bowl, and how you will identify people who want to discuss conflicts in the bowl. An agenda that includes 1–3 conflicts and takes 1–3 hours works well. We have found it useful to use some kind of message board or group message where the organizers can post a description and details and people can volunteer to bring conflicts to the bowl.
Set up the physical bowl! Arrive early at the venue so you can set up the space. Arrange the space so that people can see and hear as well as the venue allows (usually comfortable seating for the people who are inside the bowl, with chairs or other seating around it works well.) Note where restrooms are, if there are any spaces that people can use to take a break from the bowl if they want that, and if there’s any other info that attendees need.
Check in with participants! Part of building a container is knowing who is there and understanding each other’s reasons for being there. We usually go around the circle and have everybody say their names, pronouns, and something about why they came or what they are hoping to experience at the bowl.
Introduce the activity! First, we like to talk about what conflict bowl is generally. If there are people there who are familiar with it, typically one or a few volunteers describe the process and purpose of conflict bowl. People can keep adding details and answering questions until the group feels ready to proceed. Then, a facilitator should go over the agenda, and get the group’s help in figuring out any last-minute questions, like which conflict should go first, where in the agenda breaks should be, etc. Again, we usually do 1–3 conflicts spread over 1–3 hours; it may be better to start with fewer until your group is more familiar with its process. Remember to leave time for breaks and check-out, and try to be realistic about how much energy and time the group has.
Conflicts! This is the main event! The people who have agreed to discuss the conflict sit in the bowl and discuss the conflict. This often starts by agreeing on a format: whether there will be timed speaking turns, open discussion, etc. After the participants have finished discussing the conflict, they can ask for feedback from the bowl if they want it. After one conflict is done, the group proceeds through the others on the agenda — usually with breaks in between.
Check out! After the conflicts and feedback on the conflicts are complete, it is useful to reflect together on what we’ve just done. We usually do a round of reflections on the bowl, which can include reflections on what people learned or saw at the bowl, and any feedback on format, venue, facilitation, and things people would like to try in the future. This is also a good time for people to make asks and offers for aftercare.
Aftercare! Conflict bowl can be difficult and stressful, even in an experienced group. It is helpful to plan space and time for aftercare, decompression, and goodbyes after the bowl. Sometimes we will plan something like a meal, a walk in the park, or time to sit and talk and cuddle; sometimes we will make sure that the venue is available for an hour or two after the bowl is meant to end and announce that people are welcome to use the space during that time; sometimes none of that is possible and we will simply remind people that it’s important to care for ourselves and each other when we do something difficult together.
Discuss, process, and plan the next one! People will talk together about what happened, what they learned, and what they want to do next. If the group liked it, they may plan another one! It’s useful to try to engage as many people as possible in planning, so that the group’s ability to discuss conflict together doesn’t become dependent on one or a few people who do most of the work of organizing it. It’s also useful to talk about other tools or processes people want to try that would be complimentary to conflict bowl.
A note about Feedback
We usually try to focus on process feedback (about how people engaged), rather than content feedback (about the audience’s opinions on the issues discussed). This is because content feedback can very quickly turn into judgement, derail the event, or become its own conflict. In addition, content feedback is what we are usually doing in every-day conversation — so we have plenty of practice at it! However, people often find it difficult or impossible to totally separate process and content feedback. It’s okay to sometimes give content feedback, especially if it’s directly asked for, but it’s a useful distinction to keep in mind. Some examples:
Process feedback:
“When you said you cared about each other, I felt the room lighten.”
“It seems like you both care about each other, so it seemed odd that you didn’t say that when you were talking about your priorities.”
“When you talked about your feelings, it felt like you were struggling to say something that never came out.”
Content feedback:
“I agree with Clem, I also find it really frustrating when you’re late all the time.”
“A really important part of this conflict about your rent system is that it doesn’t account for people’s incomes — you should address that.”
“The way I would have responded to that is just to give everybody their own shelf in the fridge.”
What makes it work?
It’s important to understand that conflict bowl is only one tool, and there are situations in which conflict bowl is more likely to be useful. Conflict bowl works best when:
The group mostly knows each other already (though conflict bowl has lots of space for visitors and first-timers!)
Each participant can trust that the other participants care about them and generally want to improve all the relationships in the group
The group is interested in developing their communication skills.
Participants are also developing communication skills outside the bowl.
The group is oriented towards non-punitive ways of dealing with conflict, such as those within the frameworks of transformative justice or prison abolition, and less towards punishment, exclusion, and ostracization.
The group is also engaging in other conflict-processing and conflict-resolution processes.
The group is working to address power and inequality — or at least interested in the topic and willing to discuss it.
The group can set specific goals and expectations for the container.
The group understands that conflict bowl is not meant to resolve conflict, or to be the only conflict-engagement process a group uses.
The group brings conflicts of many sizes and types to the bowl.
The group uses the bowl as a regular practice to build skills, rather than an emergency-response tool to address a specific big conflict.
The group has the material, physical, and cognitive ability to have a focused discussion without an overwhelming amount of interruption.
There is not immediate danger to a participant’s life, health, or basic needs that would be worsened or discounted by engaging in the bowl.
Tips for throwing and participating in a bowl
Take care of your body and mind! Humans need food, water, rest, comfort, and safety. We’re better able to show up for difficult conversations when we’ve met these needs first.
Distribute work with attention to people’s desire and ability! Prevent burnout by getting and giving lots of help. Conflict bowl should be a co-created event that blurs (or even destroys) the lines between participant and organizer.
Think broadly about what conflict is, and don’t be afraid to start small! “Small”-feeling conflicts are a great way to practice and break the ice.
Get in touch with your feelings and do some processing ahead of time! We get more out of the bowl when we come with an understanding of ourselves and what we want out of the bowl.
Get ready to listen! Conflict bowl is an incredible opportunity to listen and learn about each other. It’s also a unique chance to learn about each other’s friendships and relationships. Make the most of that!
Learn skills to bring to the bowl! Conflict bowl is a great place to try something out and experiment.
Aim for a realistic agenda, including the “extra” stuff like check-in, check-out, breaks, aftercare, etc. It’s tempting to squeeze more onto the agenda that can really fit, but it’s important to keep conflict bowl manageable and sustainable if it’s going to be a useful practice.
Remember that there will be more conflict bowls! Rather than squeezing something in, biting off too much, or feeling like you have to “finish” a conflict, schedule another bowl (or a different way to continue the conversation)! Practicing any skillset works best when you do it more frequently.
Remember that conflict bowl is not the only place you can discuss difficult things! If something feels unfinished in a bowl or there’s a lot more you want to say about it, you can always follow up outside the bowl, whether that’s in a different structured activity or just in conversation.
Be present! Whether you are participating or observing, try to minimize distractions and focus on the interactions that are happening in the moment. If you are taking notes, or playing an “administrative” role such as time-keeper, try to balance those tasks with paying attention to (other) people in the conflict.
Ask for what you want! Whether it’s time to gather yourself, space to cool off, tabling a conflict for later, physical touch, a change of format, or whatever else, ask for it! Supporting each other in engaging with conflict involves learning to honor our own desires and needs.
Accept that you won’t “solve” the conflict! Conflict bowl works best when we take the pressure off ourselves to quickly solve every conflict. Just be present and work to understand yourself and each other.
Seek understanding instead of judgment! We are used to trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong, even when that’s not helpful. Try to notice when this happens and reorient towards understanding each other.
Notice and name your reactions and feelings! Both in a conflict and while giving feedback, understanding and saying where you’re coming from is a great place to start.
Remember that an interaction being difficult does not mean it’s wrong, bad, or ineffective! Conflict bowl is often scary, difficult, and can leave people feeling kind of shaken up. This doesn’t mean it isn’t useful. When you feel discomfort, try to figure out if it’s telling you about an important risk to your safety, or if it’s a “growing pain” you want to work through.
Don’t jump into the conflict once it’s going! Honor the space the group has set aside for the people in the conflict. You may have feelings or thoughts, but they should wait rather than disrupting the container that you are holding for your friends.
Ask for the feedback that you want! Usually people ask for process-focused feedback. It’s okay to ask for no feedback, or for feedback on some parts of the conflict but not others, if that’s what you want.
Give useful feedback! Feedback is the most useful when it’s specific, clear, simple, and acknowledges the perspective and limitations of the person giving the feedback. Effective feedback is also mostly positive! “Feedback” often gets confused with “criticism”. Try to avoid this pitfall and focus most of your feedback on what worked well. Getting a lot of negative feedback makes it difficult to stay motivated to engage in conflict with each other, and will make conflict bowl unpleasant and unsustainable.
Avoid judgment! Don’t declare somebody’s perspective correct, right, or better that another’s. Don’t make blanket statements about whether communication strategies are good or bad; instead, describe what you see as the effects of those strategies in moving towards people’s goals.
Expect people to talk about what they saw and heard! If you need or want something to stay a secret, don’t say it in front of a bunch of people.
Be compassionate when you talk about what you’ve seen and heard! Gossip can be mean and destructive, or it can be loving and generative. When you talk about what you saw and heard in a bowl, keep in mind the nuance and vulnerability of what was shared.
Celebrate and support participants! Doing such a vulnerable thing with each other is a brave act of care. Acknowledge and celebrate this.
Be brave! Remember that your community is here because they care about you, want to learn about you, and want to get better at living together and loving each other. Facing conflict head-on can be scary — but we can do scary things when we support each other!
A note on the history of Conflict Bowl
Conflict bowl was developed by a loose group of predominantly queer non-monogamous (mostly anti-monogamist) friends and weirdos in the Detroit metro area in starting in 2019. The first conflict bowl we held was in early October, 2019, in Highland Park, Michigan.
We had been exploring tools for intentional community, and felt a need to develop group processes around conflict to combat the harm done by normative ways of communicating about conflict (which occur in private without transparency and accountability, generate shame and stigma, and are often punitive, isolating, and catastrophic.) We also aimed to push against the monogamist construction of emotional intimacy as being something only permissible between people who are “romantically” involved. We see this as a form of domestic violence prevention — if social groups get more comfortable discussing interpersonal conflicts in community without shame, the conflicts that eventually grow into violence and abuse could be identified and addressed before becoming catastrophic, and participants could be offered earlier and more effective support by their communities. We saw conflict bowl as a way to bring those conflicts out of the dark realm of “private” life, where it is so difficult to break long-held normative patterns of harmful behavior, and into the light of community, where we can help each other.
The bones of conflict bowl were established pretty quickly: the focus on understanding conflicts rather than immediately solving them, the importance of having observers to help participants understand the ways they are communicating, the separation of process and content feedback, and the practice of aftercare that helped turn tense conversations into community bonds. The name was initially inspired by the concept of a “fishbowl” discussion, which some of us had experience with. We started having conflict bowl every month. We experimented with practices for having not only dyadic and small group conflicts but conflicts between individuals and the community as a whole. When the COVID-19 pandemic happened, conflict bowl went online. We had a long and difficult period of adjustment in our conflict bowl practice, which mirrored the other painful adjustments we were all making as our social groups split and changed and re-developed. We also started welcoming new people to come and experience conflict bowl, some of whom expressed a desire to start doing conflict bowl in their social groups. Their feedback, and the desire to be able to give people more information about conflict bowl and how they might experiment with it, was the impetus for this work.
This is the first edition, published January 2023.
Please reproduce and distribute this work freely.
Use it to seed and inspire.
We are stronger together.
Thanks to all who contributed!
…including Michelle, Christina, Benzi, Peatmoss, Clara, Shea, Ryan, Mike, Fiona, Ben, Karlz, River, Juno Huxley, Mel, River, Alex, Bara, and many other friends, comrades, and conflict bowl participants.
