A Field Guide to Love & Fear Circles
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Can friendship be revalued as a radical, transformative form of kinship? We are not sure, but we want to try. Maybe the concept of friendship is already too colonized by liberalism and capitalism. Under neoliberalism, friendship is a banal affair of private preferences: we hang out, we share hobbies, we make small talk. We become friends with those who are already like us, and we keep each other comfortable, rather than becoming different and more capable together… This neoliberal friend is the alternative to hetero- and homonormative coupling: “just friends” implies a much weaker and insignificant bond than a lover could ever be. Under neoliberal friendship, we don’t have each other’s backs, and our lives aren’t tangled up together. But these insipid tendencies do not mean that friendships are pointless; only that friendship is a terrain of struggle. Empire works to usher its subjects into flimsy relationships where nothing is at stake, and to infuse intimacy with violence and domination. Perhaps friendship can be revalued in an expansive but specific way: friends, chosen family, and other kin, intimately connected in a web of mutual support…
In these times, feelings of despair, rage, and hatred make sense. Maybe they even indicate a healthy receptivity to what is taking place; a refusal to numb ourselves to the pain and violence of Empire. To shame people for being in touch with all this, or to tell them to pull themselves out of it, simply individualizes suffering. Change comes not from individuals, but from this “constant working on each other,” which we have called ethics and relational freedom. It might entail supporting each other to become more present with despair, guilt, resentment, fear, or grief. It might include channeling anger into attacking Empire, blocking its flows, or breaking its hold, at least in part. Freedom is the space that opens when knee-jerk reactions and stifling habits are suspended. It is the parent learning to trust their kid. It is the teen who flees a violent home with support from friends. It is the scream of refusal that elicits rage and action from others. But the key is that one never does any of this alone, whether a humble gesture causing a subtle shift, or a decisive act catalyzing dramatic change. Freedom, gentleness, and militancy always come from — and feed back into — the web of relationships and affections in which everyone is immersed.
Carla Bergmann and Nick Montgomery,
“Joyful Militancy: Building Thriving Resistance in Toxic Times”
Love circles and fear circles are social games
…in which we get together in small groups and share our observations and feelings about our relationships.
These games help us:
- Explore intimacy and communication in new ways.
- Destigmatize intimacy, affection, conflict, and fear.
- Learn about our friends, how they relate to each other, and ourselves.
- Practice recognizing and expressing our own feelings and thoughts.
- Practice talking in groups about things that are mostly discussed in one-on-one settings.
- Pay attention to and celebrate many different ways of relating to each other, including those that may be overlooked or downplayed because they are not typical family, romantic, or “friendly” relationships.
- Feel more deeply connected to each other.
- Build solidarity that will help us support each other more fully.
What are love and fear circles?
A love circle is an activity in which people, in a group, tell each other things they love, admire, or appreciate about each other. The goal of a love circle is to express and witness love and care for each other, and to practice expressing our feelings about each other specifically, concretely, and in group settings. It’s common to express love and care in somewhat vague terms, but giving more context to the things we love about each other can help us become more aware of and feel more connected to the things we value about each other. If the concept of “love” doesn’t feel accessible, feel free to change the language you use to fit your group’s orientation. The goal is to share positive feelings and observations about each other, however that is accessible.
A fear circle is a similar activity. In a fear circle, people share fears they have regarding their relationships with each other. It has similar goals to the love circle: to express and witness fear, and to help us practice expressing our feelings to each other in specific terms. For most people, a fear circle will feel more difficult and more intimate than a love circle. However, it can be freeing and powerful to share our fears. Even though dominant culture says that fear is bad, some fear is normal in all of our relationships, and talking about our fears and giving context to them can help us know each other better and connect more fully.
You might wonder how to choose which one your group should do. Both love and fear circles are fun and useful! Sometimes we will do a love circle and a fear circle with the same group on the same day, since the love circle can help people feel more comfortable and secure sharing their fears. If you only have time for one, it depends on what the group is feeling and wanting. Because these games work by prompting us to express things that we usually suppress, the one that feels more difficult at the time may very well be the one that’s most useful for the group. However, there is nothing wrong with trying the one that seems easier! Just make sure you talk about it and decide together, without pressuring anybody to participate.
Sounds great! Let’s do it!
Here’s how:
Get people together: Because this activity involves talking about how we feel about each other, it works best when people have some familiarity with each other. This doesn’t need to be a lot of familiarity — we’ve seen these games work well with people who have known each other for many years, with people who have known each other for a day, and with a mix of both!
Sit in a circle: Make sure you are comfortable. It’s hard to tell how long a love circle will take — sometimes with a small group, or people who feel comfortable jumping right in and expressing their feelings and thoughts, it can go surprisingly quickly. Sometimes it takes longer, because it’s a big group or it’s more difficult for people to express themselves.
Introduce yourselves: It can be nice to do introductions — we often do names, pronouns, and a short prompt. Some prompts we’ve used include “what brings you here today?” “What’s something you’re hoping for today?” “How are you coming into the space?” “How are you feeling right now?” You can use one of these or make up your own. Sometimes people will meditate or do a grounding exercise together.
Brief the group: Have somebody describe the activity (we like to ask for volunteers, so that any “organizers” don’t end up totally directing the group’s understanding of the activity). Give people a chance to ask and answer questions (again, we like many group members to answer questions, not just “organizers”.) The group may spend some time discussing the activity and figuring out what they actually want to do:
Decide how you are taking turns: There are two ways to take turns (and probably more, but we use these):
Take turns being the speaker: In this version, whoever’s turn it is says one thing they love (or fear) about each other person in the circle (or their relationship with that person), starting with the person to their left. They end by saying one thing they love (or fear) about themselves (or their relationship with themselves). After their turn is over, the person to their left takes a turn, and goes around the circle saying things they love (or fear) about each person, ending with themselves. Players take turns like this until everybody has had a turn speaking.
Take turns being the “receiver” (“hot seat” style): In this version, the person whose turn it is receives a statement of love (or fear) from each other person in the circle, starting with the person to their left. The turn ends with the person whose turn it is saying something they love (or fear) about themselves. Then it is the next person’s turn; and this continues until everybody has had a turn receiving statements of love (or fear).
Do it! Whatever your group decided on, do it! Make sure everybody has a chance to go. If someone wants to skip their turn, or delay and do it later, that’s fine! Make sure everybody knows this, and respond with encouragement when somebody does skip. For the sake of time and focus, it’s best if each person sticks to saying one thing they love or fear about each other person (although people will want to say more, and that’s okay. It’s best not to respond to or start a conversation about things that are said — instead, players can offer a word of thanks and follow up on any further discussions after the circle is done. Pay attention to the group’s energy; if people are having a hard time being present, it may be a good time for a break.
Closing: You did it! It can be nice to end with a closing round, if there’s time. You could have everybody say something about how they’re feeling, talk about how the circle went for them, or mention changes they might want to make the next time they play one of these circle games. Maybe you can plan the next circle game right now! It’s also helpful to make space for folks to ask for “aftercare” (anything that would help them resolve any currently intense feelings and move on from the circle), especially with a fear circle.
QUICK TIPS
Try to say just one thing
It’s important to leave time for everybody’s turn. You don’t have to say everything you love or fear about somebody, or struggle to say the “right” or “best” thing. there will be many other chances to express your feelings! Trying to fit everything you might want to express to everybody into one activity won’t work. If you get to the end and you feel like you have more to say, it may be a good idea to follow up outside of the circle — or plan another game soon!
Take breaks
People need to take care of their bodies. It’s okay to take breaks as the group wants to.
Express feelings, not judgements
Don’t make blanket statements about people’s behavior being good or bad. Instead say how you feel, own your feelings, and describe what they mean to you. The goal is not to evaluate other people, but to let them understand how they affect you. You might explain where you think a feeling is coming from — whether it’s from past experience, a deeper hope or fear, or something else.
Try to be specific
It can pay off to be specific when you share — use examples, descriptive language, or discuss how you are impacted. “I love that you are so kind” may be less meaningful than “I see you talking so sweetly to everybody, and it reminds me of how meaningful it can be to be kind.” In a fear circle, “I am afraid that you’ll hurt me” may be less meaningful than “I am afraid that because you get so wrapped up in projects, you’ll forget to reach out to me and it will be really painful.”
It’s okay to pass
Nobody has to do or say anything they don’t want to. If you sense somebody is struggling with feeling pressure to participate, it can be helpful to remind them that it’s okay to say “no”, pass or delay their turn, or leave altogether.
Mind the size of the group
As the number of players increases, things begin to take longer quite quickly. For example, a circle of 6 people can easily take twice as long as a circle of 4. A circle of 8 may take twice as long again! In our experience, circles of more than about 7–8 people can become a bit cumbersome, and definitely require breaks.
Explore and Experiment!
What’s presented here is a rough guide to get you started. There are infinite variations of these games that you can use in your groups.
One way to start trying out variations is to change the prompt. Maybe “love” doesn’t sum up quite what you’re looking to share and explore. You could have a “gratefulness circle”, where you share things you are grateful for about each other, or a “hope” circle, where you share hopes for your relationships — or change the prompt in many other ways. Maybe “fear” doesn’t quite describe what you want to explore. You could have a “hesitation circle”, where you talk about hesitations or barriers that you have in pursuing intimacy with each other. You could have a “regret circle”, where you share a regret you have in your relationship with each other person in the circle. You can also do these kind of circle games about a specific topic, rather than focusing on the relationships between the people who are there. For example, we’ve done love circles and fear circles where the players say something they love or fear about a specific shared project or event.
There are many circle games that you could do! They may have higher or lower “difficulty levels” depending on your group. Be creative, experiment, and see what you can learn about each other!
- Hêlîn Asî, “Finding Revolutionary Love in a World of Profound Alienation”
Please remix, excerpt, copy, and share freely.
