I’m a proud #homewrecker, AMA.
Cheating is important political action. I don’t arrange my relationships in such a way that cheating is possible for me, but I think helping my friends cheat in their relationships is an important way to support their autonomy. I am against couples, exclusivity, and all the ways that capitalism and patriarchy channel our expansive capacities for care into small desperate and controllable units. I relish when I can put my body on the line to break down the couple form that isolates people from the robust communities we need. As a loud and proud homewrecker, I can answer some common questions:
Wait, what do you mean that “cheating is not possible” for you?
I do not engage in relationships where the other person thinks they can own me or have some say in what I do with my body. No agreements to be monogamous, no compulsory disclosure of what I’m doing/what sex I’m having when they aren’t there, no ownership-based relating. I have a lot of deep and meaningful friendships, some of which include some sex some of the time, but none of them include promises on future behavior, mine nor theirs. It’s a model of voluntary relating, with deep loving care, given freely rather than through obligation. Turns out there are a lot of people who want to love me without trying to force rules or contracts!
What about the poor wives at home?
Firstly, I do not prefer men and I hate the assumption of heterosexuality. And we all know that cheating husbands are often excused (Needs to relieve some stress! Boys will be boys), while cheating wives are left destitute. Do not pretend that the system of monogamism is set up for the benefit of wives. Are you sure you’re not just asking me this question to shame me as a non-man who would dare to prioritize pleasure? Concerned about the state and status of wives? Me too, abolish wives: Abolish Marriage!
I’m sad my boyfriend cheated on me
This is not a question. But, what about the lovers of my lovers? I do have love for them. I hope that they will be happy for our mutual love! I hope that they enjoy knowing that someone they care about is experiencing pleasure and joy. Even so, I know many are suffering under the tragedy of isolation and false-scarcity of love and intimacy. I wish so badly that I could share with them my vibrant queer community, my ever newer and stranger and deeper queer pleasures. I’m not keeping them from this; rather, helping others to cheat may open their eyes to new possibilities, and modes of relating outside agreement-based ownership. The drive to “cheat” is a demonstration of the shortcomings of monogamism and contractual relating; monogamism and other oppression are what should really make us sad.
Why don’t they just tell the truth?
I hope that they do and, depending on circumstances, will refuse to be “discrete” to prop up the couple form. At the same time, monogamy is not just “an individual choice”. The promise of monogamy is often not freely given (or even clearly discussed). Rather, people are pushed into performing monogamy by all sorts of coercive forces. If they tell, will they lose their housing? Their healthcare? Their life? So many basic resources we need to live are purposefully tied to the couple unit. Breaking the rules can have deadly consequences. All sorts of material and social resources are only available through monogamy. I can share my healthcare from my job with a husband from whom I’m separated and barely see, but could not share it with my dear friend since middle school, or with the community organizers who give my life meaning and purpose. If a lonely wife has a chronic illness and no hope to get healthcare coverage another way, who am I to tell her to practice “radical honesty”? If she faces deportation back to a place that wants her dead, is it really ethical for me to demand that she anger the person who can condemn her to that? (No, it’s fucking not.)
Why are you so selfish?
Cheating is not only about pursuing my individual desires, but for the benefit of many. It does benefit me, by bringing joy and pleasure and connection into my life. It also benefits the person I’m cheating with by giving them connection and community that they desperately need. It benefits us all by modelling autonomy and resistance. What a great example for you to see that even when systems make it hard to choose joy and love, some of us make those hard choices anyways! It unwinds the harmful fairytale that demands you invest all your love into a single person, a single stupid picket fence in the suburbs, and pushes people to evaluate (and invest in!) their support systems, their friendships, their communities. I hope to inspire you all to imagine new possibilities, build worlds full of freely given love and support, and pursue your deepest desires. So you’re welcome ❤
Haven’t you ever felt jealous yourself? Can’t you relate?
First who gives a fuck? Should my uncomfortable feelings mean that others don’t get access to love and support and connection? (Fuck NO!) It’s my responsibility to manage my emotions and it would be unfair for me to place the burden of that on someone else.
Secondly, because I can manage my own emotions, I have sat with my jealousy and approached it with curiosity. At first, it is waves of pain and fear, but it turns out, jealousy comes up for me when I’m feeling (false) scarcity. The more expansive and deeply connected my community is, the more I am open to be joyful for my friends’ joy. As I have built diverse networks of voluntary care, jealousy is more of a distant memory. I hope that for everyone.
What about “ethical non-monogamy”? You’re making us look bad!
You’re making me look bad! What the fuck kind of “ethics” ignore the context of monogamism, this system of oppression keeping us surveilled and docile in the face of the capitalist death cult! Why do you put so much energy into trying to be palatable, trying to reassure powerful men that you aren’t threatening their domination of women they think they own? I find it much more ethical to support individuals’ autonomy and decision-making power, and refuse to center the supposed ethical-by-default monogamy in my relationships.
What about the kids?
I’m not having sex with any kids. You mean the kids watching their parents sacrifice their communities, their connections, their pleasure and joy, for the sake of the couple form? I hope the kids learn that’s a bad investment. I hope the kids learn to trust their bodies, to ask for what they want, to do what makes them feel good, to love many people and to fucking run from people who want to possess them. In our culture, children have so little freedom, and I worry about their dependence on their parents, which is part of why I’m happy to support their parent with love and joy and pleasure. Hopefully some of that energy gets home to the kids! My deeper hope is that through relationships outside the couple form (especially those in which cheating is not possible), communities can invest in communal childcare and children can have more access to resources, emotional support, and more loving adults, rather than just a stressed out exhausted mother and maybe a father on the weekends.
Haven’t you been cheated on?
Back when I participated in the security theater of promising monogamy to others, I was cheated on. Honestly, I felt sad in that moment, but also desperately lonely all the time anyways. I do not want any one person to love me exclusively; I want the people I love to be supported by vibrant and strong communities. I want to be supported and loved by many people (and I am!). I have found that community — especially queer community — as a model for living and loving and fucking is more sustainable and joyful and fulfilling.
Fuck you, you dumb slut!
Hmm, it appears you’re feeling threatened by me in some way . It makes sense to feel that way. Imagining new worlds is scary and the possibility of losing what you know can feel threatening. It is true that I am working hard to challenge the social order that probably benefits you in some ways or at least makes you feel safe over your background anxiety and alienation. I hope you can sit with your discomfort and fear and find that your bitterness towards joyful non-men comes not from them being bad, but from your own disconnection with your emotional needs? Or maybe it’s from your desperate clinging to power over others, and perceived control over your own life? You will have to reckon with these feelings and come to terms with their costs for all of us; it’s a task for all people in raised in capitalist, white supremacist nation-states. It’s hard, and the benefits far outweigh the costs. Through community and connection, I hope you are able to build the skills to join me in the queer utopia my friends and I are building together.
