Disagreeing without Being Disagreeable: The Grown-up’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence

Candace Plattor
Aug 23, 2017 · 6 min read

As most people know today, emotional intelligence is a real thing. There are courses that are taught about it and many books have been written about it. It is no longer enough to just be intellectually ‘smart’ — it has also become important to be self-aware and to be able to handle our emotions in healthy ways.

What we’re seeing, however, is that there seems to be an increase in world leaders who don’t hold those values in high esteem. Perhaps the US’s most self-aware and emotionally intelligent leader has been replaced predominantly by men who bully and feel they have a right to behave this way. This is a terribly unhealthy message to send to children especially, who need to be taught the exact opposite. Today, we are seeing a great many more people, both in the US and in Canada where I live, who don’t seem to know how to disagree without being disagreeable — one of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence. For myself and for many others, this feels like a very scary situation.

Is it really possible to have a difference of opinion without having to slam the other guy — physically or verbally?

I admit to having strong negative feelings about Donald Trump and his ineptitude as president of the United States, about the man he shows himself to be to the general public, and the unhealthy message he sends. As we all know, he has said many despicable things about many groups of people — and has allegedly done any number of invasive, juvenile, illegal acts toward women. In addition, he has gotten away with treasonous types of behaviors that hopefully he will one day be held accountable for. Since taking office, his divisive, dangerous fear-mongering has largely contributed to a marked increase in hate crimes — clearly evidenced in the horrific events in Charlottesville and its aftermath. I do not think he is suitable for the office he currently holds — and I don’t believe anything could change my way of thinking about that.

I do understand how this happened, in terms of the unrest in that country — which also reflects the unrest in many other parts of the world — even here in Canada too. And I know there are obviously people in his “base” who disagree with my thoughts about DT being president. Although I wish that wasn’t the case, I know there is nothing that I — alone — can do about it.

Or is there?

WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO HIGH

I loved hearing that from Michelle Obama. I don’t think that happened enough with either candidate, although I often saw DT going very, very low — and he is still going extremely low in many (most?) of his public addresses. In my opinion, this is just not helpful for any of us when he does that. For him, I believe it comes from a narcissistic, grandiose need to be The Most Important Person on the Planet — very probably because, in reality, that is not at all how he sees himself at 3 o’clock in the morning — one of his favorite times to disparage others via tweets. I don’t particularly mind that this guy, as a private citizen, appears to have any number of identifiable and potentially dangerous personality disorders, which would therefore qualify him for the condition of “mental illness” — but what I really don’t want to see is a mentally ill person in the role of POTUS.

Needless to say, my opinions and preferences unfortunately no longer have any actual bearing on what has become the new reality. I just dread the idea of the new normal that comes from our government officials being steeped in hatred toward others. We already have enough of that in the world today.

So what can I do as an individual as I find myself caught up in a situation that brings me dissatisfaction, unfathomable disbelief, and the fear that the world as we’ve known it may never right itself again?

I know that ‘going low’ and being part of the problem is not the way I generally do things. When a situation occurs that could knock me off my center, I know that I do my best to reach inside myself and find my spiritual place of strength. I know that living in fear and chaos is not what I choose today. I know that I care about how I feel, and that I care about how other people feel too — that is an important value of mine. I know that there are many others who, like me, want to live our best lives despite these extraordinary circumstances we’re now faced with. I know that I will continue to strive to do that.

THE “NEW NORMAL”

The new normal seems to be a society where fear-mongering and hate crimes are allowed to run rampant without many consequences thus far, where people can obtain guns easily and women have trouble gaining control over their own bodies because of laws passed by their governments. Where people of color, various religions, and gender diversities have to tread carefully. How could this have happened, what has been unleashed? When I was a teenager in the mid-1960’s, my family lived for two years in the heart of the deep South in a small town in Alabama. Even though we were white, we were ‘yankees’ from New York, not Baptist, and we had friends who were black — so we were persecuted too. I know what that feels like. I thought that was over, that those days were done. But 50 years later, here we are again — same milkshake, different flavor. Will we, for example, be faced with ‘colored’ water fountains and bathrooms again? Could this really happen?

I’ve often wondered what makes people so terrified of those who are different from themselves. What is that really about? Why do these differences matter so much? Why CAN’T we live in peace, why CAN’T everyone just get along?

And even if we can’t all get along, couldn’t we at least decide to disagree without being disagreeable? Do we feel so badly about ourselves that we have to strive to make others feel badly about themselves too?

As you can see, I definitely don’t have all the answers. Mostly I just have questions. But maybe others who think like I do can practice even more loving kindness in the midst of all this craziness. Maybe we don’t have to all agree about everything — that would lead to a pretty boring world anyway. Maybe we could just role model the idea of disagreeing without being disagreeable — and dangerous — toward each other.

Maybe, as Gandhi so wisely suggested, we who understand the deep importance of living this way could be the change we want to see.

Will you join me?


Candace Plattor, M.A., R.C.C., is an Addictions Therapist in private practice. Candace specializes in working with the family and other loved ones of people who are struggling with addiction, in her unique and signature Family Addiction Therapy Program. Candace believes that everyone in the family is affected by addiction and everyone needs to heal. For more than 25 years, she has been helping both addicts and their loved ones understand their dysfunctional behaviors and make healthier life choices. You can visit her website and sign up to receive Chapter 1 of her book, Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, and “Like” her Facebook page.

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Candace Plattor

Written by

Addictions counsellor, Author of Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself, blogger for @HuffPostCanada #AddictionRecovery #LovingAnAddict

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